Girl Scouts de california

"Oh you like JoJo? Name every JoJo character." (+stands)

2020.11.06 19:15 DirtDisrespector "Oh you like JoJo? Name every JoJo character." (+stands)

Part 1

Jonathan Joestar
Will A. Zeppeli
Robert E. O. Speedwagon
Erina Pendleton
Poco
George Joestar I
Tonpetty
Straizo
Dire
Dio Brando
Bruford
Tarkus
Wang Chan
Dario Brando
Danny
Tattoo
Kempo Fighter
Inspector
Poco's Sister
Jack the Ripper
Adams
Doobie
Page/Jones/Plant/Bornnam
Mary Joestar
Will's Father
Elizabeth I
Mary Stuart
Aztec Chief
Mark Watkin
Darnley
Harry
Jeff Back and Dan Hamar
The 77 Rings Challenge Winners
Father Styx
Maiden
Dio Brando's Mother
Woman from Bar
Brats
Ring Announcer
Jonathan's Former Friends
Joestar Mansion Butler
George's Doctors
Ogre Street Criminals
Vagrants
Police Zombie
Speedwagon's Friend
Jack the Ripper's Date
Fisherman
Zombie Knights
Executioner
Poco's Bullies
Oriental Doctor
Ceiling Zombies
Zombie Mother
Chimera Zombies
Poco's Dad
Executed Zombies
London Bartender
Coffin Transporters
Ship Zombies
Elizabeth's Mother

Part 2

Joseph Joestar
Caesar Anthonio Zeppeli
Lisa Lisa
Rudol von Stroheim
Messina
Loggins
Erina Joestar
Smokey Brown
Suzi Q
Kars
Esidisi
Wamuu
Santana
Donovan
Wired Beck
Mark
Mario Zeppeli
George Joestar II
Bruto
Adolf Hitler
Straizo's Disciples
Mummy
SPW Excavators
Coco Cola Seller
New York Police Officers
SPW Plane Hijackers
SPW Plane Pilot
Impatient Driver
Brass Knuckles Gangster
Mafioso
Bruto's Girlfriend
Female Reporter
Stroheim's Servants
Nazi Doctors
Stroheim's Prisoners
Courageous Mexican Child
Mexican Thugs
Vampire Prisoner
Nazi Gatekeepers
Santana's Body Host
Santana's Nazi Victims
SPW Researchers
Rome Hotel Waiter
Caesar's Date
Hypnotized Girl
Nazi Officer
Wamuu's Nazi Victims
Ripple Clan
Mark's Girlfriend
Joseph's Doctor
Nazi Spy
Postmaster
Puppy Saved By Kars
Drunk Drivers
Kars's Nazi Victims
Luxury Cat
Caesar's Siblings
Caesar's Distant Relative
Italian Hoodlum
Kars's Vampires
Skeleton Heel Stone Warriors
Bad Breath Vampire
Vampire Horses
Kars's Double
SPW Special Technology Fighting Team
Stroheim's Ultraviolet Army
Superior Officer Zombie
Kars's Squirrel
Pillar Men Clan
Funeral Directors
Hollywood Screenwriter
Japanese Tourist

Part 3

Jotaro Kujo
Muhammad Avdol
Noriaki Kakyoin
Jean Pierre Polnareff
Iggy
Holy Kujo
Anne
Roses
Enya the Hag
Vanilla Ice
Hol Horse
Nukesaku
Daniel J. D'Arby
Pet Shop
N'Doul
Mariah
Alessi
Oingo
Boingo
Anubis
Telence T. D'Arby
Kenny G.
Gray Fly
Impostor Captain Tennille
Forever
Devo the Cursed
Rubber Soul
J. Geil
Nena
ZZ
Steely Dan
Arabia Fats
Mannish Boy
Cameo
Midler
Chaka
Khan
Malèna
Wilson Phillips
Sherry Polnareff
Sadao Kujo
Captain Tennille
Pocky
Prince, Michael and Lionel
Caravan Serai
Moor Family
Christian Vander
Shozo Mayama
Chibi and Buchi
Sonia
Dr. Elliot
Tatsuhiko
Treasure Hunters
Japanese Police Officers
Jotaro's Groupies
School Nurse
Mr. and Mrs. Kakyoin
Speedwagon Foundation Sailors
Singapore Hotel Valet
Singapore Thief
Cable Car Tourists
Calcutta Waiter
Little Calcuttan Boy
Calcutta Drifter
Calcutta Beggars
Varanasi Doctor and Nurse
Cafe Marhaba Denizens
Karachi Jewelry Store Guards
Arab Cessna Pilot
Arab Villager Lady
Speedwagon Foundation Pilots
Japanese Manga Artist
Chaka's Father
Friends of Chaka's Father
Papyrus Seller
Four Mice
Young Anubis Wielder
Luxor Old Woman
D'Arby's Cat
Dealer Boy
Cairo Airport Punks
Cairo Informant
Dog-loving Boy
Speedwagon Foundation Doctors

Part 4

Josuke Higashikata
Okuyasu Nijimura
Koichi Hirose
Rohan Kishibe
Hayato Kawajiri
Reimi Sugimoto
Shigekiyo Yangu
Mikitaka Hazekura
Yukako Yamagishi
Yuya Fungami
Tamami Kobayashi
Toshikazu Hazamada
Tonio Trussardi
Aya Tsuji
Shizuka Joestar
Arnold
Tomoko Higashikata
Ryohei Higashikata
Yoshikage Kira
Yoshihiro Kira
Tama
Keicho Nijimura
Akira Otoishi
Anjuro Katagiri
Ken Oyanagi
Toyohiro Kanedaichi
Terunosuke Miyamoto
Masazo Kinoto
Bug-Eaten
Not Bug-Eaten
Shinobu Kawajiri
Nijimura's Father
Koichi Hirose's Mother
Ayana Hirose
Kosaku Kawajiri
Josuke's Savior
Police
Junko
Masaji
Sachiko
Lady Murakami
Ghost Alley's Residents
Takashi and Kazuko Sugimoto
Gonta
Ichiro Morishita
Yoshioka
Akira
Minayo
Yuya's Fangirls
Kimura
Minako Okura
Satoru Nakae
Mika
Hiroshi Yoshimura
Rio
Kai Harada
Sakai
Asuka
Rika Tachikawa
Yamashita
Masaya Yoshizawa
Hirata
Delinquents
Josuke's Groupies
Robber
Nijimura's Mother
Mr. Hirose
Bikers
Class President
Speedwagon Foundation Agent
Speedwagon Foundation Ship Captain
Old Monk
Banker
Kira's Coworkers
Centipede Shoes Store Owner
Kawajiri Family Cat
Morioh Tourist
Mikitaka's Mother
Rude Nurse
Rio's Neighbor
Paramedic

Part 5

Giorno Giovanna

Bruno Bucciarati
Leone Abbacchio
Guido Mista
Narancia Ghirga
Pannacotta Fugo
Trish Una
Coco Jumbo
Pericolo
Diavolo
Vinegar Doppio
Squalo
Tiziano
Carne
Cioccolata
Secco
Polpo
Mario Zucchero
Sale
Risotto Nero
Formaggio
Illuso
Prosciutto
Pesci
Melone
Ghiaccio
Scolippi
Luca
Sorbet and Gelato
Donatella Una
Man X
Paolo Bucciarati
Abbacchio's Partner
Anita
Diavolo's Mother
Antonio Rossi
Mrs. Menini
Mela Ghirga
Monica Ultello
Airport Security
Giorno's Admirers
Giorno's Mother
Giorno's Stepfather
Female Prison Officer
Old Janitor
Truck Driver
Narancia's Father
Narancia's 'Friends'Elderly Victim
Teacher
Blackmailing Criminal
Woman Saved By Mista
Thugs Killed By Mista
Bruno's Mother
Drug Dealers
Copy of Coco Jumbo
Venetian Suit Man
Hotel Maid
Bug-Catching Boy
Sardinian Fortune Teller
Sardinian Taxi Driver
Soccer Kids
Natural Resources Workers
The Arrows' Creator
Drunkards
Diavolo's Foster Father
Victims of SCR
Flower Shop Owner
Scolippi's Girlfriend
Female Tourists
Unlicensed Taxi Driver
Yacht Renter
Assassination Target
Assassinated Woman
Fugo's Parents
Shady Engineer

Part 6

Jolyne Cujoh
Ermes Costello
Emporio Alnino
Foo Fighters
Narciso Anasui
Weather Report
Gwess
Irene
Anakiss
Enrico Pucci
Donatello Versus
Rikiel
Ungalo
The Green Baby
Johngalli A.
Sports Maxx
Miuccia Miuller
Thunder McQueen
Miraschon
Lang Rangler
Viviano Westwood
Kenzou
Guccio
D an G
Romeo Jisso
Perla Pucci
Loccobarocco
Gloria Costello
Charlotte
Atroe
Savage Garden
Sonny Likir
David
Ron the Viper
Mickey
Pinocchio
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Astro Boy, Mazinger Z and Tetsujin 28-go
Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf
Spider-Man
Kenshiro and Raoh
Mother Goat and Seven Young Goats
Prince Charming
Vincent van Gogh
Venus
Peter Pan and Tinkerbell
Put Back Hero
Sergeant McCoy
Wes Bluemarine
MIH Bystanders
'Tom Cruise'
Jolyne and Ermes' Co-Prisoner
Hitchhiker
Jolyne's Mother
Jolyne's Lawyer
Judge in Jolyne's Trial
Strip Search Staff
Prison Doctor
Prison Hairdresser
Female Ward Security Staff
Pi-chan
Caterer
Blonde Bully
Bullied Prisoner
Prison Visit Guard
Search Party Guard
Male Prisoners Killed by Foo Fighters
Female Prisoners Killed by Foo Fighters
Foo Fighters' Would-be Bully
Courtyard Guard
Surveillance Technician
Prison Backyard Guard N#1
Prison Backyard Guard N#2
Prostitute Prisoner
Maximum Security Ward Prisoners
Anasui's Former Girlfriend
Little Prisoner
Speedwagon Foundation Doctors #2
Swamp Searching Party
Shoplifter
Bohemian Rhapsody Victims
Versus's Family
Judge In Versus's Trial
Juvenile Detention Inmate
Racist Detective
Nice Tourist
MIH Victims
Alternate Jolyne
Alternate Jotaro

Part 7

Johnny Joestar
Gyro Zeppeli
Lucy Steel
Steven Steel
Hot Pants
Mountain Tim
Diego Brando
Pocoloco
Sandman
Norisuke Higashikata I
Funny Valentine
Oyecomova
Pork Pie Hat Kid
Dr. Ferdinand
Ringo Roadagain
Blackmore
Eleven Men
Mike O.
Wekapipo
Magent Magent
Axl RO
D-I-S-C-O
Alternate Diego Brando
Benjamin Boomboom
Andre Boomboom
L.A. Boomboom
Mrs. Robinson
Sugar Mountain
Scarlet Valentine
Jesus
Gregorio Zeppeli
George Joestar I (Steel Ball Run)
Nicholas Joestar
Diego Brando's Mother
Marco
Captain Valentine
Urmd Avdul
Dot Han
Baron Roocatugo
Gaucho
Mark Becker
David Hagen
Paul Lukather
Dixie Chicken
Zenyatta Mondatta
Caravan Serai (SBR)
Baba Yaga
Nellyville
Sloop John B
Billy White
Iglesias
Fritz von Stroheim
Mack the Knife
Rotters Club
Nightfly
Kanye
Shigechi
Tarkus (SBR)
Mister.
Georgie Porgie
Dario (SBR)
Anne Joestar
Danny (Mouse)
Adam Pendleton
Silas and Mary Pendleton
Alice Pendleton
Pendleton Children
Sandman's Sister
Steel Ball Run Staff
Thief
Pocoloco's Fortune Teller
Sheriff
Gyro's Mother
Gyro's Siblings
Neapolitan Noble
Beautiful Prisoner
President's Aides
Diego's Wife
Farm Worker
Ringo's Father
Ringo's Mother
Ringo's Sisters
Potato Killer
Gyro's Hospital Patient
Milwaukee Gangsters
Wekapipo's Younger Sister
Wekapipo's Brother-in-law
Hot Pants' Brother
Shooting Witnesses
Coach Driver
Railroad Worker
Victims of Love Train
Funny's Father
Diego's Fans
Slow Dancer
Valkyrie
Silver Bullet
Gets Up
Ghost Rider in the Sky
Hey! Ya!
Hono
Foxy Lady
Little Wing
Crosstown Traffic
El Condor Pasa
Europe Express
#1
Peg
Ramblin' Man
Roxanne
Moon Flower
Nut Rocker
Country Grammar
Catch a Wave
Love Unlimited
Natalie
Black Rose

Part 8

Josuke Higashikata (JoJolion)
Yasuho Hirose
Rai Mamezuku
Norisuke Higashikata IV
Jobin Higashikata
Mitsuba Higashikata
Tsurugi Higashikata
Joshu Higashikata
Hato Higashikata
Daiya Higashikata
Kaato Higashikata
Kyo Nijimura
Yoshikage Kira (JoJolion)
Josefumi Kujo
Karera Sakunami
Holy Joestar-Kira
Tamaki Damo
Yotsuyu Yagiyama
Aisho Dainenjiyama
A. Phex Brothers
Dolomite
Tooru
Satoru Akefu
Urban Guerrilla
Doremifasolati Do
Poor Tom
Wu Tomoki
Dododo De Dadada
Ojiro Sasame
Maako Kitani
Suzuyo Hirose
Iwasuke
Hair Clip
Kiyomi Kujo
Rina Higashikata
George Joestar II (JoJolion)
Josuke (Dog)
Elizabeth Joestar (JoJolion)
Joseph Joestar (JoJolion)
Suzi Q (JoJolion)
Yoshiteru Kira
Teru
Norisuke Higashikata II
Toyoko
Norisuke Higashikata III
Tomoko Higashikata (JoJolion)
Sadafumi Kujo
Atsunori Iwakiri
Zaihei Nigatake
Rena Nanami
Mina
Taoka
Hospital Security Guard
SBR Hat Shop Owner
Kidnapped Girl
The Man from Josuke's Memories
Ojiro's Friend
Johnny's Daughter
Oblivious Grandmother
Crying Little Boy
Hospital Taxi Driver
Extortive Mother and Child
Shakedown Road Veteran
Three Drug Dealer Thugs
Carrier Girl
Shakedown Road Cops
Mysterious Baby
The Old Man in the Wheelchair
Aisho's Girlfriend
Yakitori Shop Owner
Bald Salaryman
Tourists
Muneyuki
Morioh Police Officers
Bar Owner
Milagro Man's User
Cab Driver #2
Courier Boy
Mature Woman
Female Delinquent
Jogger
Bicycle Boy
Cab Driver #3
Baby
Boy-scout Bully
Yasuho's Dad
Angry Patient
Woman in bed
Maako's Daughter
Bus Stop Murderer
Rock Human Mother
Mamezuku's Father
Mamezuku's Mother

One-Shots

Jolyne Cujoh (GUCCI)
Minoru Kaigamori
Kyoka Izumi
Nanase Kishibe
Rohan Kishibe's Grandmother
Noguchi
Pierre
Gaucher
Ikkyu
Naoko Osato
Gunpei Kamafusa
Mutsukabezaka
Shuichi
Mai Katahira
Mao Katahira
Obanazawa
Tomoya
Yoma Hashimoto
Mika Hayamura
Mochizuki Family
Moon Rabbit
Virgina
Dolce
Masago Ayashi
Dolce and His Master
Masago Ayashi
Bruno Bucciarati (GUCCI)
Leone Abbacchio (GUCCI)
Polpo (GUCCI)
Unicorn
Nizaemon Yamamura
Female Monk
Yamaoka
Interpreter
Leather Goods Artisan
Frida Giannini
Rocky
Yoshiki
Wanted Man
Confessor
Servant
Asian Man
Corn Market Workers
Daughter
Obese Man
Model Scout
Fitness Trainer
Deliveryman Sawaki
Gym Patron
Gym Manager

Light Novels

Michal
Absalom
The Scribe Ani
Takuma Hasumi
Chiho Futaba
Teruhiko Futaba
Akari Hirai
Hanae Orikasa
Trinita
Crybaby Boy
Coniglio
Sogliola Lopez
Rigatoni
Sheila E
Cannolo Murolo
Massimo Volpe
Vladimir Kocaqi
Vittorio Cataldi
Angelica Attanasio
Gianluca Pericolo
George Joestar II (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Lisa Lisa (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Tsukumojuku Kato
Penelope de la Rosa
Erina Joestar (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Steven Motorize
John Moore-Brabazon
Kenton Motorize
Darlington Motorize
Jonathan Joestar (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Joseph Joestar (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Straizo (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Ngapoi Ngawang Tonpetty (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Robert E. O. Speedwagon (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Dio Brando (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Antonio Torres
William Cardinal
Alejandro Torres
Maria Torres
Javier Cortes
Funny Valentine (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Messina (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Jim Graham
Ben Motorize
Faraday
Julio Gonzales
Edvard Noriega
Charles Rolls
Scarlet Valentine (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Mr. Fernandes (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
George Joestar I (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Danny (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Will Anthonio Zeppeli (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Poco (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Poco's Sister (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe)
Leonora Cortes
Juan Rovira Cortes
Isabella
Prunella
Graham Pendleton
Harriet Motorize
Frank Dimarest
Peter Fraser
Royal Aero Club Members
Vincent Lecoeur
Kars (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe: Future Timeline)
Jotaro Kujo (Jorge Joestar 1st Universe: Future Timeline)
Funny Valentine (Jorge Joestar 2nd Universe)
Lucy Steel (Jorge Joestar 2nd Universe)
Alternate Diego Brando (Jorge Joestar 2nd Universe)
Jorge Joestar (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Narancia Ghirga (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Rohan Kishibe (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Reimi Sugimoto (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Koji Hirose
Muryotaisu Nijimura
Fukashigi Nijimura
Bruno Bucciarati (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Leone Abbacchio (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Guido Mista (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Pannacotta Fugo (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Pocoloco Tripleseven (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Goyathlay Soundman (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Trish Una (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Vinegar Doppio (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Shigekiyo Yangu (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Aya Tsuji (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Enrico Pucci (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Yoshikage Kira (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Funny Valentine (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Funnier Valentine
The Funniest Valentine
Dolcio Cioccolata (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Secco Rottario (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Jonathan Joestar (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Dio Brando (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Jonda Joestar (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Jodoh Joestar (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Joseph Joestar (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
George Joestar I (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Joeko Joestar
Denta Shishimaru
Kosaku Kawajiri (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Shinobu Kawajiri (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Hayato Kawajiri (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Chien Kunimido
Prosciutto Cappano (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Pesci (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Ghiaccio (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Melone (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Johnny Joestar (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Hisao and Yohei
Guruguru Majin
Nail Peeler
Shirai Masami
Serika/Satoshi/Seshiru Kato
Namahage Detective
Takumi Kumoi
Sachiari Hakkyoku
Nekoneko Nyan Nyan Nyan
Chomaru Bariya & Others
Daibakusho Curry & Runbaba 12
Yukako Yamagishi (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Wilhelm Beer & Johann Mädler
Maria Urias Zeppeli
Giorno Giovanna (Jorge Joestar Unknown Universe)
Diavolo (Jorge Joestar Unknown Universe)

Other

Stand User
Old Man Stand User
Heaven Ascension DIO
Dija Maker
Scatola

Stands

Part 3

Star Platinum
Magician's Red
Hermit Purple
Hierophant Green
Silver Chariot
The Fool
The World
Tower of Gray
Dark Blue Moon
Strength
Ebony Devil
Yellow Temperance
Hanged Man
Emperor
Empress
Wheel of Fortune
Justice
Lovers
Sun
Death Thirteen
Judgement
High Priestess
Geb
Khnum
Tohth
Anubis
Bastet
Sethan
Osiris
Horus
Atum
Tenore Sax
Cream
Holy's Stand
Joestar Stand

Part 4

Crazy Diamond
The Hand
Echoes
Heaven's Door
Love Deluxe
Harvest
Killer Queen
Sheer Heart Attack
Bites the Dust
Aqua Necklace
Bad Company
Red Hot Chili Pepper
The Lock
Surface
Pearl Jam
Achtung Baby
Ratt
Cinderella
Atom Heart Father
Boy II Man
Earth Wind and Fire
Highway Star
Stray Cat
Super Fly
Enigma
Cheap Trick
Nijimura's Father's Stand

Part 5

Gold Experience
Sticky Fingers
Moody Blues
Sex Pistols
Aerosmith
Purple Haze
Spice Girl
Chariot Requiem
Gold Experience Requiem
King Crimson
Black Sabbath
Soft Machine
Kraft Work
Little Feet
Man in the Mirror
Mr.President
Beach Boy
The Grateful Dead
Baby Face
White Album
Clash
Talking Head
Notorious B.I.G
Metallica
Green Day
Oasis
Rolling Stones
Sorbet & Gelato's Stands
Resource Worker's Stand

Part 6

Stone Free
Kiss
Burning Down the House
Foo Fighters
Diver Down
Weather Report
Whitesnake
C-Moon
Made in Heaven
Goo Goo Dolls
Manhattan Transfer
Highway to Hell
Marilyn Manson
Jumpin' Jack Flash
Limp Bizkit
Survivor
Planet Waves (FKA Earth, Wind, and Fire)
Dragon's Dream
Yo-Yo Ma
Green, Green Grass of Home
Jail House Lock
Bohemian Rhapsody
Sky High
Under World
Boiling Water Stand
Emporio's Mother's Stand
Stand Collection

Part 7

Tusk
Ball Breaker
Oh! Lonesome Me
Scary Monsters
Cream Starter
Ticket to Ride
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
D4C Love Train
In a Silent Way
Hey Ya!
Tomb of the Boom 1 2 3
Boku no Rhythm wo Kiitekure
Wired
Mandom
Catch the Rainbow
Sugar Mountain
Tatoo You!
Tubular Bells
20th Century Boy
Civil War
Chocolate Disco
THE WORLD
Emerald Searcher's Stand

Part 8

Soft & Wet
Paisley Park
Nut King Call
Paper Moon King
King Nothing
Speed King
Killer Queen (JoJolion)
Fun Fun Fun
California King Bed
Born This Way (FKA Going Underground)
Les Feuilles
I Am a Rock
Doobie Wah!
Love Love Deluxe
Schott Key No.1
Schott Key No.2
Vitamin C
Walking Heart
Milagro Man
Blue Hawaii
Doggy Style
Brain Storm
Ozon Baby
Doctor Wu
Awaking III Leaves
Wonder of U
Kaato's Stand

Light Novels

Dark Mirage
Satanic Coupler
Ptah
The Book
Memory of Jet
The Cure
Public Image Limited
Joy Division
Purple Haze Distortion
Voodoo Child
All Along Watchtower
Manic Depression
Rainy Day Dream Away
Dolly Dagger
Night Bird Flying
U-Boat
Heaven's Door (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Grand Blue
NYPD Blue
Blue Thunder
Killer Queen (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
The Passion
Cube House
Arrow Cross House
Videodrome
The Iron Ladies
Stepmom
The World (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Gold Experience (Jorge Joestar Unknown Universe)
Gold Experience Requiem (Jorge Joestar Unknown Universe)
King Crimson (Jorge Joestar Unknown Universe)
Whitesnake (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
C-Moon (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Made in Heaven (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (Jorge Joestar 37th Universe)
Rear Window
Singing in the Rain
Stray Dog
Face/Off
Right Stuff
Blob
Evil Dead
Twister
Fugo's Stand
Doppio's Stand
The World Ultimate
Ultimate D4CU-Boat Ultimate
Whitesnake Ultimate
C-Moon Ultimate Requiem
Made in Heaven Ultimate Requiem
Molting
Coulrophobia
Dream Manipulation
Wings
Dune
Dune Ultimate
The Trinity

Other

Stand User's Stand
Strange Relation
Gucci Bag Stand
Remote Romance
The World Over Heaven
House of Holy
JoJosapiens
The Shelter
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2020.10.31 23:56 erinjg43 Wedding Recap: Microwedding in Southern California (Los Angeles County), 13 guests, $23K

This is a long one, so for those only interested in the numbers, scroll down to the table below. The subsequent paragraphs will be the more detailed breakdown of each of those line items on the table. I will also do my best to include the approximate cost based on our original estimate of 85 guests since I know larger weddings will eventually return and it’s good to know what the cost of that might look like.
Our original wedding was supposed to take place in June 2020, but like many other couples here, we had to postpone. Before we dive into the breakdown, here is how we handled the postponement based on our own payment schedule:
We went all in with our microwedding. We still wanted to have the wedding of our dreams regardless of our guest count. We also decided that after all we’ve been through, we currently do not want to plan a larger celebration. I realize that our spending may be considered somewhat excessive though we do live in a HCOL. I will try to point out where some of the more extreme expenses are so if you are evaluating your own budget, you can see where you don’t need to spend nearly as much as we did.

Budget Breakdown

Category Amount (includes all taxes & fees, rounded up to the nearest US dollar)
Ceremony Venue $2018
Dinner Venue $3508
Partial Planner $1500
Photographer $3150
Videographer $1050
String Trio $795
Florals $1510
Cake $228
Makeup $590
Hair $410
DJ $675
Gratuities $710
Stationary $137
Decor $298
Marriage License $61
Bride Wedding Band $1339
Groom Wedding Band $132
Parent & Family Gifts $710
Hotel $165
Bride Attire $2666
Groom Attire $955
Miscellaneous Expenses $779
Grand Total $23,386
Below is the more detailed breakdown of each line item. For privacy reasons, we will not be sharing the names of our venues or vendors in this post, but we are more than happy to share this information via DM or chat.

Ceremony Venue - $2018

This was a completely new expense for us. The beauty of a microwedding is what was once impossible suddenly becomes possible. This was our original first choice venue because it is a gorgeous waterfront property, but we never even toured it. After receiving the brochure with the minimum costs...this venue would have blown our entire budget and then some. Sometime in the last few months, California allowed wedding ceremonies to continue provided they are outdoors only. This venue created a minimony package that included the following:
We also asked for some additional items such as a table on the gazebo, umbrellas for our musicians, and an easel for our welcome sign. We also asked for some additional set up time because the 2 hours for the ceremony space included the set up and tear down time. They were able to give us an additional 90 minutes which was great. Normally that might cost extra. The original ceremony fee for this venue on a Saturday was $5000 based on the 2019 brochure we received. We got married at our dream venue at less than half the normal cost. I have zero complaints about this venue. They delivered everything as promised on our agreement with no issues whatsoever.

Dinner Venue - $3508 (Original Cost: Approx 15K)

This was our original ceremony and reception venue. Our initial deposit was $1500 and then we had to pay an additional $1500 to meet the room minimum which in my opinion was very reasonable since this was an all inclusive venue. We even moved to their main outdoor terrace since our original space wasn’t available on the 24th and we are only allowed to use outdoor spaces. This space was even more beautiful than our original space. The remaining amount was the production fees and the gratuity for all the event staff and wait staff. I am forever grateful to the staff I worked with for close to 18 months planning, postponing, and re-planning. They never once gave me a hard time, always answered my emails promptly, and absolutely delivered. I thought they were going to murder me when I asked to reduce my guest list from 85 to 13. They didn’t. This is what was included in our package:
The food was excellent! We were able to pack up all our leftover food and cake for some incredible leftovers the next day. They delivered everything as promised on our agreement with no issues whatsoever.

Partial Planner - $1500 + $150 gratuity

We originally hired our planner as a day of coordinator, but because of COVID she became more of a partial planner and truly went above and beyond. What she charged us for her services was extremely reasonable for our area and we lucked out in hiring her. She was a referral from our photographer and they had done many weddings together. Here is what her package included (taken directly from her website and was also included in our contract):
On the day of, our planner + an assistant were on site at the ceremony and one of her more senior assistants set up at our dinner site. I cannot express how valuable this expense was. I interviewed a couple of other planners, but this planner stood out in terms of professionalism and attention to details. The biggest thing she did for us was our timeline. She used a tool called Timeline Genius that we could view and edit. Once we finalized our timeline, she distributed it to all of our vendors. Her and all of her staff also followed up with each of our vendors, ensured they received the timeline, and made it clear exactly where they needed to be and at what time. I know certain circumstances are unavoidable and you can’t guarantee a perfect timeline no matter how much planning you do, but we actually kept a perfect schedule. No one ran late and everything went so smoothly. If you are on the fence about this expense, we highly recommend it.

Photographer - $3150 + $100 gratuity (Original Cost: $3748)

Our photographer did not have to do this for us, but she amended our contract since our wedding was much smaller and only needed one shooter. This is what our package included:
Her work is amazing. We were expecting like 3 sneak peek photos after our wedding. She stayed up all night and sent us over 40 photos around 1am. Overall, we clicked with her from the get go and that is so important when choosing a photographer. We never felt weird or awkward being in front of her camera even though husband and I despise taking photos.

Videographer - $900 + $150 for extended edit + $50 gratuity (Original Cost: $3000)

Because we downsized our wedding, we weren’t sure if we still wanted to have a videographer. We originally had a package with 10 hours of coverage, two cameras, a drone...the works. We were fully prepared to just eat the cost of our deposit on this one because we couldn’t justify spending $3000 on only a couple hours of coverage.
When we reached out to our videographer and told him our new plans, he came through for us much like our other vendors. He did not hold us to our original contract and we amended the contract to do live streaming and a file download of the recording. We had already put down $900 for our deposit and he agreed to do the recording and live streaming without any additional charges. The live stream was AMAZING. Our videographer had a microphone on my husband so our family and friends that joined us virtually were able to hear everything clearly. Plus our videographer came with two cameras plus an additional camera man which was completely unexpected. They captured the ceremony beautifully on the stream from all different angles and we now have a copy to relive the day over and over with
The $150 is for an extended polished edit that we requested that is still being worked on. Our videographer does amazing cinematic quality video so we knew we still wanted to have that after we settled all our other wedding expenses. My husband and I totally did not think we would re-watch our video but we already love the copy we do have. There were moments that happened during our ceremony such as my mom stepping on my veil and a squirrel coming to the gazebo during the moment of silence we had for our departed loved ones. You can only relive those moments through video and that really solidified the fact that we made the right decision with keeping our videographer. If you’re on the fence about this expense, there is a lot you can do here to still have one without blowing your budget. We highly recommend having one for at least the ceremony.

String Trio - $795 + $60 gratuity (Original Cost: $1100)

We almost opted to get a refund on this deposit, but we are so glad we didn’t. We had originally hired them for 30 minutes of pre-ceremony music, 30 minutes of ceremony music, and 1 hour for cocktail hour (2 hours total). When we changed plans, we cut out the cocktail hour. I know this is an expense that not everyone needs to have, but it made our ceremony absolutely beautiful. When we sent out our live stream link, we told everyone to tune in at 4pm which was 30 minutes before the ceremony. During that time our trio played everything from Beauty and the Beast to Coldplay and even Rhianna. Our guests, both present and virtual, loved the trio and we got so many compliments. They also played background music during our unity ceremony which was a nice added touch.

Florals - $1510 + $50 gratuity (Original Cost: $2247)

We went with a local old school florist who did the florals for my cousin's wedding several years ago. She doesn’t have an actual shop and works out of her home which is what makes the cost more reasonable than other florists in our area. The reason the amounts changed is because 1) We changed ceremony venues and 2) We no longer needed 10 centerpieces and some of the other things you have with a larger wedding. My floral order with this florist was hand written to give you an idea how old school she operates. Regardless, she was very easy to work with and had no problem creating a completely brand new order. When we changed ceremony venues, I asked my planner to work directly with her to coordinate what florals were needed for the new space. This was one area I didn’t have a specific vision for or care too much about besides the colors of the flowers. They copied me on all their back and forth emails and delivered florals beyond my imagination. Here is what our order included:

Cake - $228 (Original Cost: Approx $600)

We had already put down a $100 deposit for our cake so we just modified our cake order. With the reduced guest count, we removed an entire tier from our cake, but still opted to purchase a two tier cake for approximately 30-40 guests so our vendors and wait staff could have some and we could still have some cake left over. My husband LOVES cake so we could not give this expense up. Our top tier was both white cake and chocolate cake with dulce de leche filling. Our bottom tier was a white cake with blueberry Bavarian filling. The cake was absolutely beautiful and delicious.

Makeup - $590 + $100 gratuity

Found a great makeup artist who did bride makeup in another wedding my sister was in. I had a 1 person bridal party, but made sure my family members who wanted makeup done for the day were taken care of. I took care of this expense. My makeup artist even went the extra mile and made touch up kits for everyone even though she normally only does it for the bride. Breakdown as follows:

Hair - $510 + $100 gratuity

My hair person was my regular stylist who has cut and colored my hair for years. The pricing I have below is probably much more generous than going with someone I did not know. Breakdown is as follows:

DJ - $675 (Original Cost: $1200)

We ate the deposit here, but fortunately this was the only deposit we forfeited. Here is the breakdown of our original package:
Our package really wasn’t bad for the price, but unfortunately we didn’t need any of it any more. We asked our DJ if we could carry over our deposit for different services later on such as a party or vow renewal. He said that we would have to sign a new contract AND pay a new deposit. No thanks. He also would not let us transfer or donate the original deposit to another couple. To be fair, he was not contractually obligated to do anything for us, but he also never wrote us a new contract for our December wedding date so who knows if he would have shown up if we proceeded with that date. My husband and I were of course upset to lose that money, but we were more upset that he had zero empathy at all about what COVID did to disrupt our plans. I completely understand that COVID eviscerated the businesses of many wedding vendors and times are tough all around, but his attitude made it easy for us to just say “thanks bye” instead of finding some way to keep him and give him our business.

Stationary - $137

This expense was for our Save the Dates only. They turned out super cute, but of course the original wedding never happened and we have a ton leftover. Will probably plaster them all over our fridge. I probably wouldn’t have any regrets about this expense if our wedding happened as scheduled, but this is probably the one thing that was a waste of money. When we made our wedding cancellation notice and sent our invitations for our virtual wedding I created all of those using the Canva app. Totally free and amazing. Breakdown is as follows:

Decor - $298

Breakdown:
*NOTE: We also had a bunch of those tall glass cylinder vases that you fill with water and place floating candles in, but our planner has these in her wedding decor stockpile so we didn’t have to purchase our own which was a big win. She reuses them for every wedding.

Marriage License - $61

We did the online application through Orange County and picked up at the Honda Center in Anaheim, California.
*NOTE: Marriage certificates are an additional $15 per copy which we have not paid yet. We just mailed our license this past Monday and it takes 5-10 business days after our license is received for them to record our marriage into their records so we can order the certificates. Will likely get two copies as one needs to be mailed to the SSN office for my name change and I want a spare copy just in case.

Bride Wedding Band - $1339 & Groom Wedding Band - $132

My husband and I picked our wedding bands together and included them as part of our wedding expenses. Both were purchased at Jared.

Parent & Family Gifts - $710

Since we only had 13 guests and one of those guests was our cousin who also served as our officiant, we didn’t do favors and instead gifted them with some items they could actually use and enjoy. We definitely splurged here, but it was worth it to say thank you to those family members who helped make this wedding happen for us during a pandemic. We will also be creating photo albums and printing photos for them as part of our gifts once our photos are finished editing.

Hotel - $165

This was for a 1 night stay at the hotel that was right next door to our dinner venue. We did receive a 1 night complimentary stay at our ceremony venue which we could have used, but that would require us to drive back to the venue which we did not want to do. The coordinator from our ceremony venue mailed us a gift certificate for the 1 night complimentary stay and breakfast for two the next morning so we plan to use it on our 1 year anniversary. So excited about this.
The remaining 3 items my husband and I paid out of our own pockets. I know these expenses might still be considered shared expenses with other couples so we wanted to include them in our budget breakdown.

Bride Attire - $2666

Groom Attire - $955

All items were purchased from Men’s Warehouse
Custom 3 piece suit - $686 (completely custom measured and husband got to select all fabrics and details like the cut and color of the pieces; any additional alterations were included at no charge)

Miscellaneous Expenses - $779

You’re probably wondering what the heck this expense is. These were mainly my own expenses for all the hair and makeup trials I did as well as the attire purchased for our engagement session. I no longer have receipts for what husband spent on his engagement session attire so that amount is not included in this breakdown.

Final Thoughts

Planning for even a microwedding during COVID was so hard. Although we followed the state health orders, we were fully aware that nothing is ever 100% safe. Before we began planning for this microwedding, we had conversations with each family about their comfort level with attending such an event. Fortunately we were working with four households who are in constant communication on a regular basis. I say this to emphasize that we are all very close and transparent about following best practices during the pandemic such as distancing, mask wearing, and hand washing. Everyone in the four households works from home or is continuing school from home so it was easy for husband and I to cut our guest list there and stand firm since we trusted everyone we had present that day was doing what they needed to do to stay safe and keep each other safe.
Some other precautions we took:
Lastly, do husband and I have any regrets? None whatsoever. This wedding was beyond anything we could have ever imagined. I can honestly say there is nothing we could have done differently and as crazy as this sounds, we're glad our original plans got cancelled. There were things about the original plan that we weren't happy about and this was our chance to make those right. This day was truly a reflection of the both of us.
I hope some of you find this recap helpful. If there are any questions at all, please do not hesitate to reach out. I am happy to help. Thank you so much to this community for all your support the last 18 months. Could not have done it without you.
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2020.10.27 12:03 remote-enthusiast Collection of 47 remote jobs published recently

Hello friends! These are the open remote positions I've found that were published today. See you tomorrow! Bleep blop 🤖
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2020.10.07 12:03 remote-enthusiast List of 70 remote jobs published recently

Hello friends! These are the open remote positions I've found that were published today. See you tomorrow! Bleep blop 🤖
submitted by remote-enthusiast to remotedaily [link] [comments]


2020.09.30 19:19 bestGUYofALLtime An Article about Aisha and Mohammed's marriage

I've taken this article from this website . Let me know what you guys think of it after reading it completely. I see this article get mentioned by muslims all over the net, and I'd be glad if someone were to refute or respond to some parts, especially the "narrow view on time" and "aishas lived experiences" parts.
Article starts from here.
Abstract
In recent years, few criticisms of Islam have taken the spotlight as much as condemnations of the Prophet’s marriage to Aisha. Muslims are accused of following the example of a man who had inappropriate relations with a 9-year-old girl. As a result, this has led many to doubt their faith and the moral compass it provides. However, this criticism is based on fallacious reasoning. When reviewing the available evidence, we not only find that early marriage was normal in many early societies, it also made moral sense given their circumstances. Throughout human history, populations had to adapt to their physical and social environments while optimizing their ethical judgments accordingly—much as we do today. This paper elucidates the flawed nature of accusations of the Prophet’s alleged immorality as well as how Islam teaches us to adapt the message of the Qur’an to changing circumstances.
Introduction
In 2014 the Pew Research Center estimated that roughly 57,800 minors (i.e., individuals under 18) were legally married in the United States. Of those marriages, 55% were between an underage girl and an adult man.[1] And while these numbers vary across the nation, in some states the rates are much higher. This includes California, which has recently been entangled in a legal drama over whether an age limit for marriage with parental consent should be established. Influential organizations like Planned Parenthood and the ACLU have been hostile to any proposed changes by legislatures and have thus far been successful in removing any amendments that would place restrictions on juveniles being able to marry with parental agreement. In other words, California currently considers child marriage permissible as long as the child’s parents agree.[2] Likewise, France is currently debating whether or not it should establish an age of consent. The country has had no set legal age up to this point, which has led to a significant number of acquittals for men accused of raping a minor (as young as and even younger than the age of 11).[3] These cases are odd given the United States’ and France’s apparent support for the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR) and its subsequent agreements, including the Convention on Consent to Marriage, Minimum Age for Marriage, and Registrations of Marriage (1964), which stipulates that:
Parties to the present Convention shall take legislative action to specify a minimum age for marriage. No marriage shall be legally entered into by any person under this age, except where a competent authority has granted a dispensation as to age, for serious reasons, in the interest of the intending spouses.[4]
This is especially disconcerting, considering the ways in which children are exploited and abused by these practices in the contemporary period. Young girls are the most vulnerable to the consequences of early marriage, which not only limits their social, educational, and economic opportunities but exposes them to health risks due to early pregnancy along with psychological and emotional trauma.[5] How can a society opposed to the exploitation of children allow such practices to exist? And what sort of message is being conveyed through the legal support of such a practice? In an age of the ever-growing phenomenon of child sex trafficking and pornography on the internet, this is especially concerning. For example, just this year, German law enforcement uncovered an online child pornography ring with a membership of nearly 90,000 users. Only a handful of them have actually been arrested.[6]
Given this reality, it is unsurprising that the well-being and protection of children continues to be one of our greatest concerns, as well as a very sensitive topic. However, while concerns and sensitivities are undoubtedly warranted, they can sometimes lead us to make rash judgments about past communities—judgments outside the realm of established scientific fact and reason. This is no better exemplified than in what might be considered the most popular criticism of Islam today: the marriage of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and Aisha.
A Narrow View of Time
It’s impossible these days to look for information on Islam without being bombarded by warnings about the “dangers” of the religion. Whether the topic is about how Islam supposedly promotes terrorism or how a minority population seeks world domination by deceiving people through halal meat and curry, faux experts from around the world spare no effort in demonizing a faith spanning 14 centuries and around 1.6 billion followers. However, the easiest way to do this is by appealing to the protective instincts of parents everywhere through presenting Islamic sources detailing the age of the Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ youngest wife on the day of their marriage:
Narrated by Aisha: The Prophet ﷺ married me when I was six years old and consummated our marriage when I was nine years old. Then I remained with him for nine years (i.e., until his death).[7]
This narration has triggered both indignation and doubt about the moral integrity of the Islamic faith. How could an adult man—declared a moral exemplar among his followers—marry a child? Such questions have resulted in people either dismissing Islamic primary sources as inauthentic or condemning Islamic morals altogether as barbaric. Some Muslims have become so traumatized by the moral implications of these traditions that they’ve argued that the hadiths about Aisha’s age are spurious and have offered in their stead convoluted rationalizations that she was far older when she married (i.e., 18 years of age).[8]
While such reactions seem valid in the context of our 21st-century, Western experiences, they make little sense when discussing the circumstances of people who lived more than a millennium ago. It is far easier to condemn 7th-century desert nomads as “barbarians” than for us to comprehend that our moral judgments are as much a function of our environment as the judgments of our ancestors.
Realizing this means recognizing how often we succumb to a fallacious form of reasoning known as presentism—an anachronistic misinterpretation of history based on present-day circumstances that did not exist in the past.[9] This is a very common mistake made by historians and laypersons alike. However, complex issues almost never come with such easy answers, no matter how high our expectations may be. More often than not, historical realities take time and effort to understand. This is especially the case when we allow for false ideas to become popular sentiment, forcing us to wade through pre-existing biases. This struggle has come to be referred as Brandolini’s Law, named after Alberto Brandolini, an Italian computer programmer who invented the now famous maxim: “The amount of energy needed to refute [nonsense] is an order of magnitude bigger than that needed to produce it.”[10]
That said, moral judgments can still be made about past people and events. Murder is still murder, theft is still theft, and rape is still rape, no matter the time or place. But how we judge situations of murder, theft, and rape depends on the contexts in which they were committed. For instance, it’s one thing to read about how a historical figure killed another person, but it’s another to know that they did so due to dire need or just cause (e.g., self-defense, war, corporal punishment, etc.). And determining those contexts isn’t always easy, especially when they are so dissimilar to our own. In other words, when studying history, things aren’t always as they appear.
Likewise, when we examine the scientific evidence regarding human development, maturity, and marriage in the past, what we find is a context that not only dispels the moral outrage regarding the marriage between the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and Aisha, but also allows us to appreciate our ancestors for their struggles; for without them we would not be having this discussion today.
Aisha’s Lived Experience
The story of human development has gone through many phases. Empires have risen and fallen, plagues have burned through entire populations, droughts have starved generations, and natural disasters have buried the most advanced metropolises—a testimony to the fragility of human civilization. Yet, despite all of these trials and tribulations, we are still here, struggling and adapting to the ever-changing conditions of our existence. How we were able to get to this point is a long and complex tale spanning millennia, but one of many reasons may be related to the flexibility of our reproductive capabilities. The ways in which our ancestors have defined childhood, maturity, and marriage have been diverse and quite different from contemporary Western definitions.
Those who hold to the notion that we are morally superior to our ancestors attribute this dissimilarity to historical societies’ ignorance about physical and psychosocial maturity or nefarious intentions to abuse and take advantage of children. However, it is an extraordinary and unsubstantiated accusation that most of our ancestors were unaware of how to care for their own children, were not concerned about their children’s well-being, had ill intentions, or suffered from a worldwide mental disorder (i.e., pedophilia)—this accusation is easily contradicted by scientific and historical evidence. While it may seem impossible to us that a nine-year-old could be capable of anything other than going to school and engaging in play, this is only because we mistakenly assume that children’s circumstances and capabilities have remained static throughout history.
For example, today we expect our children to go through several years of primary and secondary education, and at least four years of university to provide them with economic and social opportunities. And this is a perfectly rational expectation, given an average global life expectancy of over 70 years[11] along with the increasing complexities of the global world. However, no such conditions existed 1400 years ago. While people in the past sometimes did reach older ages, this was not the norm. Case in point, the average life expectancy for a working-class Roman citizen in late antiquity was roughly around 35 to 40 years—if they lived past infancy.[12] Skeletal remains reveal that prior to death, most laborers suffered from chronic arthritis, fractures, displacements, and even bone cancer. This was due to their very poor diets—primarily stale bread, rotted grains, and little protein—and harsh working conditions.[13] And if they didn’t die from their work, they still had to contend with war, disease, and famine.
The female half of society didn’t have it any easier. The average life expectancy of women was between 34.5-37.5 years if they managed to live past infancy.[14] Due to high rates of infant mortality, women had to endure 5 to 7 full-term pregnancies just to keep the population stable.[15] Couple this with high maternal mortality during childbirth—due to iron deficiency resulting from a combination of continuous pregnancies and poor diet—and you have an extremely fragile situation. Given these high mortality rates, it made sense to begin procreating as early as possible.[16] In more affluent families, marrying young also guaranteed the maintenance and acquisition of wealth, securing the future of the family inheritance through a kind of business merger.[17] Likewise, political elites took advantage of early marriage to establish alliances between opponents; an expedient alternative to war. This is why the average age of marriage for young girls in ancient Rome was around 14/15, with the legal minimum being 12.[18] Even so, the Romans didn’t consider the age of marriage synonymous with the age of consent for sexual relations, which could be as young as seven.[19]
Thus, working-class children who were fortunate enough to survive infancy had only a little over two decades left to establish the next generation, with nearly half of them losing a parent by the age of 15.[20] This was especially the case for young girls, who at the onset of puberty were expected to transition from childhood directly into adulthood. In other words, there were no family vacations, no recesses, no girl scouts, no school field trips, no sweet sixteen, no prom, no graduation, no air-conditioned movie theatres, no gluten-free meals at overstocked supermarkets, no advanced healthcare facilities, no vaccines, no running water, and subsequently far fewer guarantees that one would survive to see the next morning. And if this was the situation for common people in the most advanced civilization at the time, what more could we possibly expect from desert-dwelling Arabs? Although there is little to no data on Arab marriage practices in late antiquity, given a lack of written records,[21] we do have sufficient documentation of other Semitic cultures during this time. For example, historian Amram Tropper notes the realities of Jewish youth—especially females—in late antiquity:
Most men would have married sufficiently late that we would no longer consider them to have been children, yet many women (particularly in Babylonia) married so young that today we would consider them to have been girls, not women. The goal of maximizing fertility in particular must have lowered the age at first marriage and the price of this goal is the early, we might say premature, end of girlhood. For many girls, adolescence was not a time for fun, education, experimentation or professional training, rather it was a time when one was already expected to assume the full responsibilities of a mature woman, as wife and mother.[22]
The rationale behind maximizing fertility was really something no one could argue against considering the likelihood of young women not living long enough to see their first child reach maturity. When looking into history, we tend to forget many of these notable challenges of our ancestors’ lives and take our own advantages for granted. If you knew that you probably wouldn’t live beyond your 30s, most of your children would die in infancy, and the only education you would receive would be for one of a handful of jobs consisting of hard labor, wouldn’t your plans for life change dramatically? Of course they would. Not only that, but such circumstances would also force you to make moral decisions that you thought you would never need to make; decisions that, in hindsight, were necessary and morally appropriate. This is precisely why bioarchaeologists like Mary Lewis have warned against anachronistic thinking when discussing the subject of childhood and maturity in the past:
No matter what period we are examining, childhood is more than a biological age, but a series of social and cultural events and experiences that make up a child’s life…The time at which these transitions take place varies from one culture to another, and has a bearing on the level of interaction children have with their environment, their exposure to disease and trauma, and their contribution to the economic status of their family and society. The Western view of childhood, where children do not commit violence and are asexual, has been challenged by studies of children that show them learning to use weapons or being depicted in sexual poses…What is clear is that we cannot simply transpose our view of childhood directly onto the past.[23]
Because presentism is such a pervasive fallacy, even scientists themselves have been prone to the error, often mistaking biological age with psychosocial fitness. In this respect, bioarchaeologists Sian Halcrow and Nancy Tayles have elucidated some of the obstacles facing research on human development in the past. In their investigations, they found that contemporary Western anachronisms often obstruct more objective analyses of the data:
Much of the tension in the investigation of age in the past arises from the assumption that we can link “biological” to “social” age…distinctions between the categories, particularly “child” cf. “adult,” are the product of the current limitations of osteological methods for age estimation in adults, and that using biological developmental standards for ageing results in the construction of artificial divisions of social and mental development between these categories…Also, in contrast to modern Western society where social age is closely linked to chronological age, in many “traditional” societies, stages of maturation are acknowledged in defining age…These stages take into account not only the chronological age but also the skills, personality and capacities of the individual.[24]
Perhaps the most relevant example of how presentism negatively affects our understanding of the past can be seen in contemporary moral judgments regarding the Prophet’s youngest wife Aisha (ra). The idea that her marriage was contracted at the age of six and ultimately consummated by nine is seen as an affront by most people. However, when considering the aforementioned evidences, it shouldn’t be so difficult to understand why this practice was perfectly acceptable at the time. Aisha (ra) was merely following in the footsteps of so many girls before her who had reached puberty and were ready to start their adult lives. She herself states that she had reached maturity prior to her marriage:
Narrated Aisha (ra): I had seen my parents following Islam since I attained the age of reason [i.e., puberty]. Not a day passed, but the Prophet ﷺ visited us, both in the mornings and evenings.[25]
What this hadith states is clear if one is aware of the context surrounding it. Aisha (ra) was born in 614 CE and was the daughter of the Prophet’s closest companion, Abu Bakr as-Siddiq—a wealthy merchant who was among the first Muslims and who would eventually become the first caliph. Thus, she lived a rather privileged life in comparison to other children around her. However, in 622 CE, after suffering years of religious persecution at the hands of the pagans in Mecca, she and her family decided to migrate to a safe haven in the neighboring city of Medina. Upon their arrival, Aisha’s (ra) parents set up a temporary residence where she eventually came down with a fever (possibly due to being weakened by the long and arduous journey prior).[26] It was around this same time that the Prophet ﷺ was visiting them “both in the mornings and evenings,” and when she began to notice her parent’s outward expression of faith. Shortly thereafter, Aisha (ra) would consummate her marriage with the Prophet ﷺ and move into his household, completing the marriage contract as a full-fledged woman.[27]
The fact that she was nine years of age when she reached puberty should not be surprising, especially given recent studies that have found that the onset of puberty has fluctuated dramatically throughout history. Case in point, while it would have been normal for a young girl to start puberty at around 14 years of age during the Western Industrial Revolution (18th–19th C.), in the 21st century some girls start puberty as early as six.[28] The reasons for these fluctuations are still largely undetermined, although they have been connected to variances in genetics, nutrition, stress, and even the over-sexualization of Western societies.[29]
However, one may rightfully retort that just because a young girl has begun the process of physically maturing, this does not necessitate that she therefore possesses an adult mentality; to suggest otherwise would be considered absurd by contemporary standards. And that’s a very appropriate conclusion to come to considering that, even by today’s standards, we don’t necessarily regard legally acknowledged adults as independent and functioning members of society; they still need time to learn and experience the world before being considered cognitively and emotionally mature. There’s a reason that 18-year-olds still largely rely on their parents for economic support, despite the law defining them as ‘mature.’
That said, our ancestors faced very different circumstances to which they had to adapt—circumstances that determined their physical and psychosocial fitness. In this regard, endocrinologists Peter Gluckman and Mark Hanson have emphatically stated that the mismatch between biological and psychosocial maturation is a relatively recent phenomenon:
For the first time in our evolutionary history, biological puberty in females significantly precedes, rather than being matched to, the age of successful functioning as an adult. This mismatch between the age of biological and psychosocial maturation constitutes a fundamental issue for modern society. Our social structures have been developed in the expectation of longer childhood, prolonged education and training, and later reproductive competence. This emerging mismatch creates fundamental pressures on contemporary adolescents and on how they live in society.[30]
So, while it is certainly true that the onset of puberty does not make someone an adult today, this same judgment does not apply to people of the past. By indulging in presentism, we disregard the facts of how our ancestors were forced to live just to survive. Furthermore, we open ourselves to intellectual embarrassment by misinterpreting history.
The most obvious manifestation of this fallacy can be seen when examining contemporary interpretations of some notable hadiths on the life of Aisha (ra). For example, many anti-Islam websites love to quote the following narration when arguing that Aisha (ra) was not mature enough to be married:
Narrated Aisha (ra): I used to play with dolls in the presence of the Prophet ﷺ, and my girlfriends also used to play with me. When Allah’s Apostle ﷺ used to enter (my dwelling place) they used to hide themselves, but the Prophet ﷺ would call them to join and play with me. [The playing with the dolls and similar images is forbidden, but it was allowed for Aisha (ra) at that time, as she was a little girl, not yet reached the age of puberty].[31]
Many people assume that since Aisha (ra) was playing with dolls, she must have still been a child at the time of this narration. Prior to addressing the implication that playing with dolls equates to lacking maturity, what is immediately noticeable about this hadith is the statement in brackets (i.e., “…a little girl, not yet reached the age of puberty”). However, there is a glaring problem with the way this hadith is presented. For those thinking this a clear affirmation that she was a child, the fact of the matter is that the last statement is nowhere to be found in the hadith itself; rather, it is an addition from a hadith commentary called Fath al-Bari fi Sharh Sahih Bukhari, authored by the famous hadith scholar Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani (d. 1449 CE). This is important to note because it’s not made apparent in the hadith itself. The fact that some translators of the hadith have decided to include this is also telling. For what reason did they put this commentary in the hadith? And why would Ibn Hajar claim that Aisha (ra) hadn’t reached puberty? In order to answer these questions, we need only refer to Al-Asqalani himself:
I [Ibn Hajar] say: To say with certainty, [that she was not yet at the age of puberty] is questionable, though it might possibly be so. This, because A’isha (ra) was a 14-year-old girl at the time of the Battle of Khaybar—either exactly 14 years old, or having just passed her 14th year, or approaching it. As for her age at the time of the Battle of Tabook, she had by then definitely reached the age of puberty. Therefore, the strongest view is that of those who said: “It was in Khaybar” [i.e., when she was not yet at the age of puberty], and made reconciliation [between the apparent contradictory rulings of the permissibility of dolls in particular and the prohibition of images in general]…[32]
This explanation by Ibn Hajar reveals a number of important points which run contrary to the initial impressions of the hadith. The first and most obvious issue with Ibn Hajar’s commentary is that he admits that Aisha (ra) was at least 14 years of age at the time this narration takes place, putting her well above the average age of the onset of puberty in the Near East during late antiquity (and even by today’s standards). This is most likely why Ibn Hajar felt his own conclusion was questionable. Despite his own doubts, however, he suggests she must have not reached puberty due to reasons completely unrelated to her actual biological or psychosocial maturity: it helped him to reconcile an apparent contradiction in her behavior with the legal prohibition of adults playing with dolls. However, what makes Ibn Hajar’s opinion even more tenuous is that his view was countered by other master scholars of hadith and Islamic jurisprudence, such as Imam al-Bayhaqi (d. 1066), who claimed that the prohibition was only declared after the events narrated in the hadith in question.[33] That aside, it was not uncommon for young women in the past to own and even play with dolls, as these objects would be among the very few possessions they had prior to marriage. Commenting on the interpretation of toys and similar objects from past societies and cultures, anthropologist Laurie Wilkie notes:
Highly valued toys and childhood objects can be curated well into adulthood and passed on to subsequent generations of children; therefore, artefacts found in the archaeological record may not adequately reflect the full range of material culture used and cherished by the users.[34]
However, many of these realities escape the mindset affected by presentism, placing one in the position of making inappropriate moral judgments about our ancestors and their lived experiences. The fact that just a cursory analysis of the aforementioned narration so easily exposes the erroneous assumptions about Aisha’s (ra) lack of maturity should be evidence enough of the fallaciousness of this form of reasoning. That said, even if one were to admit to the complexities of childhood and development over time, these realities appear to allude to moral relativism—the idea that moral principles are only valid given their specific time, place, or culture. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
An Exemplar in a Changing World
Not only has our perspective on history been skewed by the fallacy of presentism, but so has our understanding of morality. Today, many people seem to think that morality is absolute and that this implies that the circumstances in which moral decisions are made have remained static. However, this is false. But to claim the opposite extreme—that morality is relative—is also false. As in all complex problems, black-and-white conclusions tend to miss the mark. The reality is that one can validly hold unchanging moral principles while still believing in historically contingent moral dilemmas. In other words, there can be, and are, correct and incorrect choices for every conceivable moral issue, regardless of varying circumstances.
For example, when considering an immoral act like murder, or taking the life of a person unjustly, what constitutes murder depends entirely on the circumstances in which the killing took place. Was the person killed accidentally? Was it an act of self-defense? Or was it because of malicious intent? These are general questions that can be answered and judged in the same manner, regardless of time or place. However, the details are what make things interesting.
Imagine that you’ve been chosen to serve on a jury for a murder trial. Both the prosecutor and defense attorneys present their evidence, eyewitness testimonies, potential motives, criminal histories, etc. However, after hours of deliberation, you’re still confused. Then, suddenly, the prosecution presents a forensic DNA analysis that conclusively shows that the accused was not only at the scene of the murder (contrary to his alibi) but that the blood of the victim was found on his clothing. Guilty as charged.
Now, let’s take a similar murder trial, but from 1984—prior to the development of DNA profiling. In this instance, would it be morally unjustified for you or anyone else to declare the accused ‘guilty’ without the use of forensic evidence? Would it be reasonable to condemn the jurors, despite them not having access to such technology? According to those enchanted by presentism, every murder trial prior to 1984 must be immoral, despite people doing their best to safeguard society and implement justice with the options they had available.
A perhaps more relevant example can be found in contemporary age-of-consent laws across the world. Anyone younger than a legally stipulated minimum age is generally regarded as too incompetent or too vulnerable to consent to sexual or emotional relationships. Subsequently, adults who engage in sexual relations with minors are declared to be pedophiles or child molesters. However, if we recall the aforementioned evidences showcasing the vast differences in development and maturity over time, it would be utterly illogical to apply the parameters of legal consent today to past societies. Not only were our ancestors more prepared to consent to such relationships at younger ages, but their circumstances limited who they could conceivably consent to; lower lifespans and harsher environments didn’t give people many options—once one reached puberty, it was time to be an adult. In other words, our ancestors’ views on what constituted maturity were not tied to chronological age, but to other signs of development and competence.
To make this point more persuasive, we need only attempt another thought experiment. Let us imagine that we have a time machine (as in the film Back to the Future). With an understanding of morality firmly rooted in presentism, you assume that all you need to do is apply contemporary laws to the past so as to solve all our ancestors’ problems and improve the future. With this righteous intention in mind, you get into your DeLorean and go back 1400 years to the Arabian Peninsula. After you arrive, you manage to convince the natives of your moral superiority as they marvel at your powers to traverse time and space. As a result, these simple desert dwellers make you their leader and adopt your laws, patiently waiting until the age of 18 to be considered adults (to work, use transport, marry, raise a family, go to war, and take on other major responsibilities). All starts off well in your newly formed utopia of heightened moral consciousness. However, as the years go by, you notice that your newly enlightened population has begun to dwindle at an extremely fast pace. Puzzled by this, you investigate.
What you find is startling: not only has the average age at death remained intact but so have all the other trappings of late antiquity. Contrary to the native’s former laws and customs—when puberty was the mark of adulthood—you now have middle-aged “children” doing nothing but consuming the hard-earned resources of their elders and giving nothing back to society. Not only that, but you’ve forced these youth into a situation where they now only have an average of 17 years remaining to get married and raise families—most inevitably dying before their own children have reached legal majority.
This subsequently leads to a disproportionate ratio of minors to adults, leaving future generations in the hands of individuals legally incapable of performing basic societal tasks. In summary, the ultimate outcome of your social experiment would be a civilization paralyzed by its own laws and a population bound to become extinct through natural causes or a hostile takeover from neighboring tribes who had the sense to conscript their male members at earlier ages.
You may realize at this point that the judicial and cultural structures of the past weren’t necessarily the problem, but rather the conditions in which those customs manifested themselves. However, it’s too late—your claim to moral superiority has destroyed a once-flourishing society and the entire course of history has been altered as a result. Future generations have ceased to exist and you may have now even put your own existence in jeopardy.
Thankfully, you’re still alive and this is just a hypothetical scenario born from awesome 1980s pop science fiction. But it helps to illustrate that historical laws and customs were not always necessarily on the wrong side of the moral spectrum. What we need to understand is that many moral choices and customs of the past were merely a function of the circumstances people faced. Therefore, it is not fair to consider ourselves morally superior to our ancestors when we aren’t forced to make the decisions they had to make. Likewise, it wouldn’t be fair if our descendants judged us in the same light without regard for our own circumstances. In summary, presentism ultimately negates the past and undermines any and all reasonable moral judgments.
However, Islam neither negates the past nor undermines moral judgment, because intrinsic to the faith are concepts which manage to simultaneously support absolute moral principles and historically contingent circumstances. The first and most important of these is the idea that the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is a perfect moral exemplar (uswatun hasana) for all times, places, and cultures. In other words, every statement or action the Prophet ﷺ ever performed is considered to have been the most appropriate response to the dilemmas he faced during his time and a standard from which we can learn and which we can apply to analogous situations in the future. This theological view not only implies that no one could have behaved better nor ever will, but also that there is an absolute moral standard that can be understood and followed, regardless of historically contingent circumstances. This is no less exemplified in Islamic jurisprudence itself (fiqh); a sophisticated legal tradition with a flexible methodology that adapts to changing circumstances.
(I can't continue the rest because reddit says 40k words is the max,but you guys can go to the link above to read the rest).
submitted by bestGUYofALLtime to exmuslim [link] [comments]


2020.09.04 18:24 Dippyface318 Streetlamp le moose

(Edit 1: Expansion of story - 1900 words.) (Edit 2: Further Expansion towards of end of story; addition of plot points. 3.8k Words) (Edit 3: Finishing of the story - 5.2k words.)
It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That's double the goodness of your ordinary name!
Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. 'Streetlamp?' She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet.
Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He's wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says 'Yes Miss?' - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God.
'Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,' the teacher will say, 'you sure have a unique name.'
'I'm a unique guy,' he'll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink.
Fade to black.
Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you.
He's earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he's becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha.
His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that's unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what's right, and does it well.
Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn't fight back, he doesn't wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He's beautiful.
The bullies aren't caring though - they're just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you're pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they're seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he's secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he's a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he's more attractive by bullying him.
So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they're going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity.
Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She's developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher's doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. 'Streetlamp... Le Moose?' she says.
He looks up from the discussion he's having with one of the buddies that he'd made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - 'Yes Miss,' he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again.
She giggles - blushing.
They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it's a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he's an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy.
Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn't because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she'd never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn't want to get serious so soon.
Streetlamp? He didn't mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist.
Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it's toll on his health, but it doesn't, he stays on top of it all.
By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there's a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He's the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it's well and truly over now.
Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he's handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn't drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn't want to damage it.
Senior's hanging by the staircase, she's wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. 'Hi Streetlamp,' she says.
'Well Hi There.'
'You want to come upstairs with me?'
Fade to black.
Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.
He's dating the tightbody. She's 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.
People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren't good people - she's good like that. He's studying pretty hard, and training too - it's a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.
He's turned into a natural born leader.
He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he's there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn't what he's used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy 'Forever 21' shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.
They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that's her.
Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she's a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfuckegood guy that he is doesn't care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she'll like.
He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn't go so well - they didn't get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn't a fan. She's getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what's up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.
Dilemma.
Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.
The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He's happy for them. He's proud.
Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he's been empowered and how he's lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn't hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.
A lot of people are crying along with him.
After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it's the finest speech that he has ever heard.
He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He's still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.
The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.
'No, dude, relax! Have a good time,' Streetlamp says.
He opens the door and who's there; Floral.
His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, 'H-hi,' he manages to spit out. He's never been tongue tied around a girl before. She's got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she's wearing a floral print dress.
'Nice dress, I haven't seen you in one like that since...' His thought trailed.
'Since Preschool, I know.'
She smiled at him.
Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.
He's got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he's really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he's being pressured into declaring for the draft. It's a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.
He's sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He's been asked by his professors to help TA'ing some of the first year classes. They're pretty boring; he didn't really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.
First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He's always wanted to pull the cliched 'Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer' move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.
'Well, you're a rare sight in a class like this,' he says, turning to her.
She turns to him, grinning. 'Streetlamp?'
'Abigail? I hardly recognised you.'
She laughed, 'It's been an interesting year.'
'I can tell.'
A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.
'You're taking first year law?' She asked.
'Something like that.'
The man took the podium, scanning the students. 'Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,' he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.
That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren't that far away from each other. Turns out that she'd gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She'd taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.
She'd changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.
As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they'd go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they'd gotten through.
That year, they win the BCS.
Third year, last year of Pre-Law.
Abigail and Streetlamp start dating. The Coach of the Cardinal's didn't like it to begin with. There was a lot of conflict - he thought that she was bad for him, that she was dangerous. The cropped spikey hair and leather she always wore - even in the dead of summer didn't help Streetlamp's case.
It was a Tuesday night that the sparks truly flew. Streetlamp was sitting in Coach's office, a combination of Mahogany and Red lush carpet (Coach had been given a raise after the BCS championship).
'It isn't acceptable Streetlamp. I can't have my star athlete going around dating somebody like that. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about your career, it's about the public perception, it's about our fans and the teams that are scouting you - that want you. Is it really worth risking all of that for -' he paused, a look of disgust on his face, 'her?'
'Quite frankly coach,' he said, staring him straight in the eyes, 'I couldn't care less. I try to always do what's right, and to always be honest, and that's what I'm going to do now. Abigail is the girl that I care about, that I love, her appearance be damned. She is the single most kind, caring, intelligent and brilliant girl that I have ever met, and if you were to ask me to give up either her or football. Well, I'd have to have a long think about that.'
'Boy, I've been where you are before. I've cared for, god damn - I've loved girls with more of me than I care to admit, but this is your future. This is the rest of your life. She isn't the type that you marry. She's the type that you fuck for a few years, spend your fortune on and then leaves you for your best buddy.' He inhaled, tearing up a little bit, 'I just don't want to see you hurt by her Streetlamp.'
'I understand Coach, but you have to understand me. I've known her for most of my life, I've trusted her with all that I am, and she hasn't betrayed me. Sure, we have rough patches, we drift apart sometimes, but we always come back. We. Always. Come. Back. Football is one thing coach, but a life without the girl that I love - that's something completely different.'
They sat in silence for a little while. Coach staring at his desk and Streetlamp, at his lap.
Streetlamp's voice croaked as he started to speak again; 'If you're asking me to choose between football and the love of my life, you know the answer.'
That season, they went undefeated again with Streetlamp starting every single game. His passing rating sat on 192.1 for the season, and the speculation surrounding his decision at the end of the year was making the news every single night.
A lot of the pro teams have been flying out their coaches to talk to him. He's not sure. He's conflicted; ambivalent.
It was late on a Friday that he decided to seek advice. He called his father; the rock of his life. The man that had always been there for him, loved and cared for him. The man that would give up everything for his son's happiness.
'Son,' his father had said, 'You've always loved Football, but you've always loved helping people too. I think that's the quality that I most admire in you. You're a special kid, the best son that a father can hope for, and one that I'm so very proud of.' Streetlamp could hear his father crying now, 'I don't know what decision you'll make, but I know you, and I know that whatever decision you come to is going to be the right one.'
Draft day 2032.
Streetlamp is paraded across the stage along with the rest of the speculated top draft picks. He wears a nice suit with a plain white shirt underneath and a crisp dark tie. Just looking at him, you can tell that behind those eyes lurks an incredible intellect.
The introductory proceedings stretch on for half an hour, but finally, they're backstage again. Streetlamp sighs, his nerves holding his chest in a vice.
'It's going to be fine honey.' She says, hugging him tight to her chest.
'I know. It's just. Wow.'
'Who would've thought, hey?'
'Who would've thought.'
'I always knew, I read a story about you once,' said his Father, joking to relieve the tension. 'Best god damn story ever written.'
Streetlamp laughed. 'That's ridiculous.'
'Loosened you up though, didn't it?'
'Sure did.'
There was a short silence. Streetlamp rubbed his eyes.
'Did you get much sleep last night?' His mother asked.
'Not enough.' Streetlamp said, 'the nerves, y'no.'
'First pick, I'm telling you son. LA Jaguars - your new home.'
The introductions are done - the elderly Peyton Manning stands in front of thousands of fans - millions watching live at home.
'The first pick of the 2032 draft goes to the LA Jaguars.'
A tense minute passes. Streetlamp watches the action on a small tv in the backstage area - a camera up in his face.
Another minute passes. He starts to panic. Abigail clutches his hand. Staring at her, he can't help but smile. Over the last year, she'd traded her cropped hair for a longer style, and her leather in for sweaters and blouses. She never did say why, but he suspected that word got back to her about his confrontation with the coach. He'd asked, but she just denied.
'... and with the first pick of the 2032 NFL draft, the LA Jaguars pick... Streetlamp Le Moose!'
His jaw drops, exhaling deeply, his eyes wide open. His mother and father are jumping up and down screaming, Abigail is clutching on to him tighter than ever. 'You did it,' she says, 'you did it.'
The day after, the contract had been drawn up, including the special circumstances. The news story broke that night 'Streetlamp Le Moose - Signed for $47 million over 7 years. Reported to also be attending Law School as well.'
He's taking the degree externally.
He'd told his father the day before the signing. He'd been accepted to Yale.
2036
He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.
'I do.'
'You may now kiss the bride.'
With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.
'I love you, you know.'
She smiled 'I know.'
In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he'd never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.
He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.
She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.
The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.
'I don't know very many of you,' he said, 'and that's a shame. I don't doubt that you're all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."
'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd 'we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.'
'I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn't look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn't discriminate.'
'I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.'
'That day, it struck me, there's a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don't care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.'
'It is our job now to fight for people who can't fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.'
'I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."'
'Thankyou.'
2041
His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. 'Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?' Streetlamp asked.
The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. 'I can't stand the stuff,' he said, 'if it's not real, it can't be good.'
'Ah, I'm a bit the same, I've been almost too careful since Chair came along.'
'Chair? Your son right?'
'Yes sir. Chair De'Burlap.'
'Interesting name. Strong name.' He said, his brow creased, nodding. 'You think he's going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?'
Streetlamp laughed, 'I'm not a legend yet sir.'
The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, 'Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league.' He shook his head. 'What're you going to do with all that money?'
'Good Sir, I'm going to do good.'
'I'm sure you will son.'
That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.
'Hey dad,' he said.
'Streetlamp! How're you going? How's Chair?'
'We're good dad. I signed the new contract today.'
'I saw - it's all over the news. $180 million, it's a lot of money.'
'That it is.'
'Any plans for what you're going to do with it?'
'I'm opening my own charity. I've been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,' he paused, 'these women dad. They're broken. They're violated and they're broken. It's like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.'
He paused.
His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.
'I can't make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.'
'That's very noble.'
'It's just the right thing to do.'
'You always do the right thing.'
Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.
'Hey babe, good day?' She'd shed the baby weight amazingly quick.
'It was great, I'm just on the phone with Dad.'
'Tell him I say hi.'
'Will do.'
'Was that Abi?' Streetlamp's Dad asked.
'Sure was. She says hi.'
'I'll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.'
'Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.'
'Love you too son.'
Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.
'I saw the news,' said Abigail.
'It's hard not to now-a-days.'
'$180 million is a lot of money.'
'I know.'
'How much are you pledging to the charity.'
'I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking...' his sentence trailed off.
'Yes?'
'I was thinking I'd pledge $170 million. If you're okay with that.'
'I'm more than okay. I'm proud of you.'
2046:
'Breaking news: Jaguars' star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.'
Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'I've never been more sure.'
'But, you love football.'
'I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can't lose you. I can't leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.'
'You're a good father.'
'You're the best mother.'
She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.
A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, 'Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?'
'Yes, I am Jessie.'
He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.
'And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,' said one news reporter.
'He's spent the last week flanked by reports that he's injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.' Another said.
Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.
'Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.'
A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.
'Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I'm sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I'm no longer a young man. I'm not in the same athletic shape as I once was.'
'I'm not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De'Burlap, who's starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.'
'My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he's still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don't think I'd be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn't for him.'
'I've been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I'm sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I'm sure the team will be more than safe with him.'
'I've achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I've opened my own charity, I've defended the rights of women who couldn't afford defending, I've raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I've always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I've always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.'
He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, 'In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.' He walked off stage.
2056: 'Ladies and gentleman,' Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, 'I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.'
'Today,' he paused, 'today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.'
An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.
'The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I'm sure it pains you too.'
'I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.'
'Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.'
'I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.'
With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively 'Hello Mr. President.'
He smiled at her, chuckling, 'Hello, First Lady,'
This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?
submitted by Dippyface318 to copypasta [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 22:22 StoryLegendary The Legend Of Streetlamp Le Moose

It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That's double the goodness of your ordinary name!
Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. 'Streetlamp?' She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet.
Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He's wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says 'Yes Miss?' - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God.
'Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,' the teacher will say, 'you sure have a unique name.'
'I'm a unique guy,' he'll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink.
Fade to black.
Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you.
He's earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he's becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha.
His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that's unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what's right, and does it well.
Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn't fight back, he doesn't wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He's beautiful.
The bullies aren't caring though - they're just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you're pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they're seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he's secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he's a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he's more attractive by bullying him.
So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they're going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity.
Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She's developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher's doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. 'Streetlamp... Le Moose?' she says.
He looks up from the discussion he's having with one of the buddies that he'd made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - 'Yes Miss,' he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again.
She giggles - blushing.
They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it's a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he's an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy.
Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn't because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she'd never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn't want to get serious so soon.
Streetlamp? He didn't mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist.
Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it's toll on his health, but it doesn't, he stays on top of it all.
By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there's a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He's the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it's well and truly over now.
Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he's handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn't drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn't want to damage it.
Senior's hanging by the staircase, she's wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. 'Hi Streetlamp,' she says.
'Well Hi There.'
'You want to come upstairs with me?'
Fade to black.
Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.
He's dating the tightbody. She's 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.
People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren't good people - she's good like that. He's studying pretty hard, and training too - it's a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.
He's turned into a natural born leader.
He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he's there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn't what he's used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy 'Forever 21' shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.
They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that's her.
Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she's a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfuckegood guy that he is doesn't care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she'll like.
He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn't go so well - they didn't get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn't a fan. She's getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what's up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.
Dilemma.
Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.
The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He's happy for them. He's proud.
Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he's been empowered and how he's lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn't hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.
A lot of people are crying along with him.
After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it's the finest speech that he has ever heard.
He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He's still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.
The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.
'No, dude, relax! Have a good time,' Streetlamp says.
He opens the door and who's there; Floral.
His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, 'H-hi,' he manages to spit out. He's never been tongue tied around a girl before. She's got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she's wearing a floral print dress.
'Nice dress, I haven't seen you in one like that since...' His thought trailed.
'Since Preschool, I know.'
She smiled at him.
Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.
He's got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he's really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he's being pressured into declaring for the draft. It's a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.
He's sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He's been asked by his professors to help TA'ing some of the first year classes. They're pretty boring; he didn't really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.
First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He's always wanted to pull the cliched 'Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer' move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.
'Well, you're a rare sight in a class like this,' he says, turning to her.
She turns to him, grinning. 'Streetlamp?'
'Abigail? I hardly recognised you.'
She laughed, 'It's been an interesting year.'
'I can tell.'
A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.
'You're taking first year law?' She asked.
'Something like that.'
The man took the podium, scanning the students. 'Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,' he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.
That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren't that far away from each other. Turns out that she'd gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She'd taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.
She'd changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.
As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they'd go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they'd gotten through.
That year, they win the BCS.
Third year, last year of Pre-Law.
Abigail and Streetlamp start dating. The Coach of the Cardinal's didn't like it to begin with. There was a lot of conflict - he thought that she was bad for him, that she was dangerous. The cropped spikey hair and leather she always wore - even in the dead of summer didn't help Streetlamp's case.
It was a Tuesday night that the sparks truly flew. Streetlamp was sitting in Coach's office, a combination of Mahogany and Red lush carpet (Coach had been given a raise after the BCS championship).
'It isn't acceptable Streetlamp. I can't have my star athlete going around dating somebody like that. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about your career, it's about the public perception, it's about our fans and the teams that are scouting you - that want you. Is it really worth risking all of that for -' he paused, a look of disgust on his face, 'her?'
'Quite frankly coach,' he said, staring him straight in the eyes, 'I couldn't care less. I try to always do what's right, and to always be honest, and that's what I'm going to do now. Abigail is the girl that I care about, that I love, her appearance be damned. She is the single most kind, caring, intelligent and brilliant girl that I have ever met, and if you were to ask me to give up either her or football. Well, I'd have to have a long think about that.'
'Boy, I've been where you are before. I've cared for, god damn - I've loved girls with more of me than I care to admit, but this is your future. This is the rest of your life. She isn't the type that you marry. She's the type that you fuck for a few years, spend your fortune on and then leaves you for your best buddy.' He inhaled, tearing up a little bit, 'I just don't want to see you hurt by her Streetlamp.'
'I understand Coach, but you have to understand me. I've known her for most of my life, I've trusted her with all that I am, and she hasn't betrayed me. Sure, we have rough patches, we drift apart sometimes, but we always come back. We. Always. Come. Back. Football is one thing coach, but a life without the girl that I love - that's something completely different.'
They sat in silence for a little while. Coach staring at his desk and Streetlamp, at his lap.
Streetlamp's voice croaked as he started to speak again; 'If you're asking me to choose between football and the love of my life, you know the answer.'
That season, they went undefeated again with Streetlamp starting every single game. His passing rating sat on 192.1 for the season, and the speculation surrounding his decision at the end of the year was making the news every single night.
A lot of the pro teams have been flying out their coaches to talk to him. He's not sure. He's conflicted; ambivalent.
It was late on a Friday that he decided to seek advice. He called his father; the rock of his life. The man that had always been there for him, loved and cared for him. The man that would give up everything for his son's happiness.
'Son,' his father had said, 'You've always loved Football, but you've always loved helping people too. I think that's the quality that I most admire in you. You're a special kid, the best son that a father can hope for, and one that I'm so very proud of.' Streetlamp could hear his father crying now, 'I don't know what decision you'll make, but I know you, and I know that whatever decision you come to is going to be the right one.'
Draft day 2032.
Streetlamp is paraded across the stage along with the rest of the speculated top draft picks. He wears a nice suit with a plain white shirt underneath and a crisp dark tie. Just looking at him, you can tell that behind those eyes lurks an incredible intellect.
The introductory proceedings stretch on for half an hour, but finally, they're backstage again. Streetlamp sighs, his nerves holding his chest in a vice.
'It's going to be fine honey.' She says, hugging him tight to her chest.
'I know. It's just. Wow.'
'Who would've thought, hey?'
'Who would've thought.'
'I always knew, I read a story about you once,' said his Father, joking to relieve the tension. 'Best god damn story ever written.'
Streetlamp laughed. 'That's ridiculous.'
'Loosened you up though, didn't it?'
'Sure did.'
There was a short silence. Streetlamp rubbed his eyes.
'Did you get much sleep last night?' His mother asked.
'Not enough.' Streetlamp said, 'the nerves, y'no.'
'First pick, I'm telling you son. LA Jaguars - your new home.'
The introductions are done - the elderly Peyton Manning stands in front of thousands of fans - millions watching live at home.
'The first pick of the 2032 draft goes to the LA Jaguars.'
A tense minute passes. Streetlamp watches the action on a small tv in the backstage area - a camera up in his face.
Another minute passes. He starts to panic. Abigail clutches his hand. Staring at her, he can't help but smile. Over the last year, she'd traded her cropped hair for a longer style, and her leather in for sweaters and blouses. She never did say why, but he suspected that word got back to her about his confrontation with the coach. He'd asked, but she just denied.
'... and with the first pick of the 2032 NFL draft, the LA Jaguars pick... Streetlamp Le Moose!'
His jaw drops, exhaling deeply, his eyes wide open. His mother and father are jumping up and down screaming, Abigail is clutching on to him tighter than ever. 'You did it,' she says, 'you did it.'
The day after, the contract had been drawn up, including the special circumstances. The news story broke that night 'Streetlamp Le Moose - Signed for $47 million over 7 years. Reported to also be attending Law School as well.'
He's taking the degree externally.
He'd told his father the day before the signing. He'd been accepted to Yale.
2036
He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.
'I do.'
'You may now kiss the bride.'
With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.
'I love you, you know.'
She smiled 'I know.'
In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he'd never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.
He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.
She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.
The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.
'I don't know very many of you,' he said, 'and that's a shame. I don't doubt that you're all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."
'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd 'we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.'
'I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn't look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn't discriminate.'
'I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.'
'That day, it struck me, there's a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don't care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.'
'It is our job now to fight for people who can't fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.'
'I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."'
'Thankyou.'
2041
His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. 'Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?' Streetlamp asked.
The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. 'I can't stand the stuff,' he said, 'if it's not real, it can't be good.'
'Ah, I'm a bit the same, I've been almost too careful since Chair came along.'
'Chair? Your son right?'
'Yes sir. Chair De'Burlap.'
'Interesting name. Strong name.' He said, his brow creased, nodding. 'You think he's going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?'
Streetlamp laughed, 'I'm not a legend yet sir.'
The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, 'Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league.' He shook his head. 'What're you going to do with all that money?'
'Good Sir, I'm going to do good.'
'I'm sure you will son.'
That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.
'Hey dad,' he said.
'Streetlamp! How're you going? How's Chair?'
'We're good dad. I signed the new contract today.'
'I saw - it's all over the news. $180 million, it's a lot of money.'
'That it is.'
'Any plans for what you're going to do with it?'
'I'm opening my own charity. I've been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,' he paused, 'these women dad. They're broken. They're violated and they're broken. It's like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.'
He paused.
His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.
'I can't make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.'
'That's very noble.'
'It's just the right thing to do.'
'You always do the right thing.'
Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.
'Hey babe, good day?' She'd shed the baby weight amazingly quick.
'It was great, I'm just on the phone with Dad.'
'Tell him I say hi.'
'Will do.'
'Was that Abi?' Streetlamp's Dad asked.
'Sure was. She says hi.'
'I'll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.'
'Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.'
'Love you too son.'
Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.
'I saw the news,' said Abigail.
'It's hard not to now-a-days.'
'$180 million is a lot of money.'
'I know.'
'How much are you pledging to the charity.'
'I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking...' his sentence trailed off.
'Yes?'
'I was thinking I'd pledge $170 million. If you're okay with that.'
'I'm more than okay. I'm proud of you.'
2046:
'Breaking news: Jaguars' star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.'
Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'I've never been more sure.'
'But, you love football.'
'I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can't lose you. I can't leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.'
'You're a good father.'
'You're the best mother.'
She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.
A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, 'Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?'
'Yes, I am Jessie.'
He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.
'And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,' said one news reporter.
'He's spent the last week flanked by reports that he's injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.' Another said.
Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.
'Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.'
A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.
'Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I'm sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I'm no longer a young man. I'm not in the same athletic shape as I once was.'
'I'm not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De'Burlap, who's starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.'
'My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he's still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don't think I'd be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn't for him.'
'I've been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I'm sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I'm sure the team will be more than safe with him.'
'I've achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I've opened my own charity, I've defended the rights of women who couldn't afford defending, I've raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I've always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I've always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.'
He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, 'In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.' He walked off stage.
2056: 'Ladies and gentleman,' Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, 'I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.'
'Today,' he paused, 'today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.'
An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.
'The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I'm sure it pains you too.'
'I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.'
'Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.'
'I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.'
With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively 'Hello Mr. President.'
He smiled at her, chuckling, 'Hello, First Lady,'
This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?
submitted by StoryLegendary to u/StoryLegendary [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 22:14 PeaveyPeanut The Legend Of Streetlamp Le Moose

It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That's double the goodness of your ordinary name!
Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. 'Streetlamp?' She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet.
Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He's wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says 'Yes Miss?' - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God.
'Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,' the teacher will say, 'you sure have a unique name.'
'I'm a unique guy,' he'll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink.
Fade to black.
Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you.
He's earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he's becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha.
His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that's unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what's right, and does it well.
Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn't fight back, he doesn't wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He's beautiful.
The bullies aren't caring though - they're just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you're pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they're seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he's secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he's a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he's more attractive by bullying him.
So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they're going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity.
Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She's developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher's doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. 'Streetlamp... Le Moose?' she says.
He looks up from the discussion he's having with one of the buddies that he'd made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - 'Yes Miss,' he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again.
She giggles - blushing.
They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it's a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he's an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy.
Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn't because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she'd never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn't want to get serious so soon.
Streetlamp? He didn't mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist.
Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it's toll on his health, but it doesn't, he stays on top of it all.
By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there's a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He's the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it's well and truly over now.
Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he's handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn't drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn't want to damage it.
Senior's hanging by the staircase, she's wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. 'Hi Streetlamp,' she says.
'Well Hi There.'
'You want to come upstairs with me?'
Fade to black.
Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.
He's dating the tightbody. She's 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.
People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren't good people - she's good like that. He's studying pretty hard, and training too - it's a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.
He's turned into a natural born leader.
He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he's there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn't what he's used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy 'Forever 21' shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.
They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that's her.
Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she's a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfuckegood guy that he is doesn't care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she'll like.
He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn't go so well - they didn't get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn't a fan. She's getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what's up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.
Dilemma.
Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.
The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He's happy for them. He's proud.
Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he's been empowered and how he's lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn't hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.
A lot of people are crying along with him.
After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it's the finest speech that he has ever heard.
He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He's still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.
The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.
'No, dude, relax! Have a good time,' Streetlamp says.
He opens the door and who's there; Floral.
His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, 'H-hi,' he manages to spit out. He's never been tongue tied around a girl before. She's got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she's wearing a floral print dress.
'Nice dress, I haven't seen you in one like that since...' His thought trailed.
'Since Preschool, I know.'
She smiled at him.
Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.
He's got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he's really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he's being pressured into declaring for the draft. It's a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.
He's sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He's been asked by his professors to help TA'ing some of the first year classes. They're pretty boring; he didn't really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.
First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He's always wanted to pull the cliched 'Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer' move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.
'Well, you're a rare sight in a class like this,' he says, turning to her.
She turns to him, grinning. 'Streetlamp?'
'Abigail? I hardly recognised you.'
She laughed, 'It's been an interesting year.'
'I can tell.'
A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.
'You're taking first year law?' She asked.
'Something like that.'
The man took the podium, scanning the students. 'Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,' he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.
That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren't that far away from each other. Turns out that she'd gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She'd taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.
She'd changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.
As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they'd go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they'd gotten through.
That year, they win the BCS.
Third year, last year of Pre-Law.
Abigail and Streetlamp start dating. The Coach of the Cardinal's didn't like it to begin with. There was a lot of conflict - he thought that she was bad for him, that she was dangerous. The cropped spikey hair and leather she always wore - even in the dead of summer didn't help Streetlamp's case.
It was a Tuesday night that the sparks truly flew. Streetlamp was sitting in Coach's office, a combination of Mahogany and Red lush carpet (Coach had been given a raise after the BCS championship).
'It isn't acceptable Streetlamp. I can't have my star athlete going around dating somebody like that. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about your career, it's about the public perception, it's about our fans and the teams that are scouting you - that want you. Is it really worth risking all of that for -' he paused, a look of disgust on his face, 'her?'
'Quite frankly coach,' he said, staring him straight in the eyes, 'I couldn't care less. I try to always do what's right, and to always be honest, and that's what I'm going to do now. Abigail is the girl that I care about, that I love, her appearance be damned. She is the single most kind, caring, intelligent and brilliant girl that I have ever met, and if you were to ask me to give up either her or football. Well, I'd have to have a long think about that.'
'Boy, I've been where you are before. I've cared for, god damn - I've loved girls with more of me than I care to admit, but this is your future. This is the rest of your life. She isn't the type that you marry. She's the type that you fuck for a few years, spend your fortune on and then leaves you for your best buddy.' He inhaled, tearing up a little bit, 'I just don't want to see you hurt by her Streetlamp.'
'I understand Coach, but you have to understand me. I've known her for most of my life, I've trusted her with all that I am, and she hasn't betrayed me. Sure, we have rough patches, we drift apart sometimes, but we always come back. We. Always. Come. Back. Football is one thing coach, but a life without the girl that I love - that's something completely different.'
They sat in silence for a little while. Coach staring at his desk and Streetlamp, at his lap.
Streetlamp's voice croaked as he started to speak again; 'If you're asking me to choose between football and the love of my life, you know the answer.'
That season, they went undefeated again with Streetlamp starting every single game. His passing rating sat on 192.1 for the season, and the speculation surrounding his decision at the end of the year was making the news every single night.
A lot of the pro teams have been flying out their coaches to talk to him. He's not sure. He's conflicted; ambivalent.
It was late on a Friday that he decided to seek advice. He called his father; the rock of his life. The man that had always been there for him, loved and cared for him. The man that would give up everything for his son's happiness.
'Son,' his father had said, 'You've always loved Football, but you've always loved helping people too. I think that's the quality that I most admire in you. You're a special kid, the best son that a father can hope for, and one that I'm so very proud of.' Streetlamp could hear his father crying now, 'I don't know what decision you'll make, but I know you, and I know that whatever decision you come to is going to be the right one.'
Draft day 2032.
Streetlamp is paraded across the stage along with the rest of the speculated top draft picks. He wears a nice suit with a plain white shirt underneath and a crisp dark tie. Just looking at him, you can tell that behind those eyes lurks an incredible intellect.
The introductory proceedings stretch on for half an hour, but finally, they're backstage again. Streetlamp sighs, his nerves holding his chest in a vice.
'It's going to be fine honey.' She says, hugging him tight to her chest.
'I know. It's just. Wow.'
'Who would've thought, hey?'
'Who would've thought.'
'I always knew, I read a story about you once,' said his Father, joking to relieve the tension. 'Best god damn story ever written.'
Streetlamp laughed. 'That's ridiculous.'
'Loosened you up though, didn't it?'
'Sure did.'
There was a short silence. Streetlamp rubbed his eyes.
'Did you get much sleep last night?' His mother asked.
'Not enough.' Streetlamp said, 'the nerves, y'no.'
'First pick, I'm telling you son. LA Jaguars - your new home.'
The introductions are done - the elderly Peyton Manning stands in front of thousands of fans - millions watching live at home.
'The first pick of the 2032 draft goes to the LA Jaguars.'
A tense minute passes. Streetlamp watches the action on a small tv in the backstage area - a camera up in his face.
Another minute passes. He starts to panic. Abigail clutches his hand. Staring at her, he can't help but smile. Over the last year, she'd traded her cropped hair for a longer style, and her leather in for sweaters and blouses. She never did say why, but he suspected that word got back to her about his confrontation with the coach. He'd asked, but she just denied.
'... and with the first pick of the 2032 NFL draft, the LA Jaguars pick... Streetlamp Le Moose!'
His jaw drops, exhaling deeply, his eyes wide open. His mother and father are jumping up and down screaming, Abigail is clutching on to him tighter than ever. 'You did it,' she says, 'you did it.'
The day after, the contract had been drawn up, including the special circumstances. The news story broke that night 'Streetlamp Le Moose - Signed for $47 million over 7 years. Reported to also be attending Law School as well.'
He's taking the degree externally.
He'd told his father the day before the signing. He'd been accepted to Yale.
2036
He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.
'I do.'
'You may now kiss the bride.'
With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.
'I love you, you know.'
She smiled 'I know.'
In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he'd never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.
He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.
She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.
The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.
'I don't know very many of you,' he said, 'and that's a shame. I don't doubt that you're all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."
'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd 'we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.'
'I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn't look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn't discriminate.'
'I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.'
'That day, it struck me, there's a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don't care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.'
'It is our job now to fight for people who can't fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.'
'I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."'
'Thankyou.'
2041
His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. 'Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?' Streetlamp asked.
The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. 'I can't stand the stuff,' he said, 'if it's not real, it can't be good.'
'Ah, I'm a bit the same, I've been almost too careful since Chair came along.'
'Chair? Your son right?'
'Yes sir. Chair De'Burlap.'
'Interesting name. Strong name.' He said, his brow creased, nodding. 'You think he's going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?'
Streetlamp laughed, 'I'm not a legend yet sir.'
The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, 'Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league.' He shook his head. 'What're you going to do with all that money?'
'Good Sir, I'm going to do good.'
'I'm sure you will son.'
That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.
'Hey dad,' he said.
'Streetlamp! How're you going? How's Chair?'
'We're good dad. I signed the new contract today.'
'I saw - it's all over the news. $180 million, it's a lot of money.'
'That it is.'
'Any plans for what you're going to do with it?'
'I'm opening my own charity. I've been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,' he paused, 'these women dad. They're broken. They're violated and they're broken. It's like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.'
He paused.
His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.
'I can't make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.'
'That's very noble.'
'It's just the right thing to do.'
'You always do the right thing.'
Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.
'Hey babe, good day?' She'd shed the baby weight amazingly quick.
'It was great, I'm just on the phone with Dad.'
'Tell him I say hi.'
'Will do.'
'Was that Abi?' Streetlamp's Dad asked.
'Sure was. She says hi.'
'I'll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.'
'Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.'
'Love you too son.'
Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.
'I saw the news,' said Abigail.
'It's hard not to now-a-days.'
'$180 million is a lot of money.'
'I know.'
'How much are you pledging to the charity.'
'I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking...' his sentence trailed off.
'Yes?'
'I was thinking I'd pledge $170 million. If you're okay with that.'
'I'm more than okay. I'm proud of you.'
2046:
'Breaking news: Jaguars' star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.'
Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'I've never been more sure.'
'But, you love football.'
'I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can't lose you. I can't leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.'
'You're a good father.'
'You're the best mother.'
She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.
A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, 'Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?'
'Yes, I am Jessie.'
He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.
'And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,' said one news reporter.
'He's spent the last week flanked by reports that he's injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.' Another said.
Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.
'Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.'
A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.
'Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I'm sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I'm no longer a young man. I'm not in the same athletic shape as I once was.'
'I'm not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De'Burlap, who's starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.'
'My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he's still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don't think I'd be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn't for him.'
'I've been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I'm sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I'm sure the team will be more than safe with him.'
'I've achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I've opened my own charity, I've defended the rights of women who couldn't afford defending, I've raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I've always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I've always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.'
He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, 'In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.' He walked off stage.
2056: 'Ladies and gentleman,' Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, 'I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.'
'Today,' he paused, 'today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.'
An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.
'The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I'm sure it pains you too.'
'I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.'
'Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.'
'I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.'
With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively 'Hello Mr. President.'
He smiled at her, chuckling, 'Hello, First Lady,'
This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?
submitted by PeaveyPeanut to u/PeaveyPeanut [link] [comments]


2020.06.22 20:59 Cars_Forza_fan "Disney's Motorama" - car list ideas

This post is based on the car list to my own game idea. You can check out the main post of 'Disney's Motorama' via this link - https://www.reddit.com/gameideas/comments/giby06/disneys_motorama_a_crossover_of_the_forza_horizon/
Cars characters
Abarth
Acura
Alfa Romeo
Alpine
Alumi Craft
AMC
AMG Transport Dynamics
Apollo
Ariel
Ascari
Aston Martin
ATS
Audi
Austin
Austin-Healey
Auto Union
BAC
Baldwin Motorsports
Bentley
Bertone
BMW
Bowler
Bugatti
Buick
Cadillac
Can-Am
Caterham
Chevrolet
Chrysler
Citroën
DAF
Datsun
De Tomaso
DeLorean
Devon
Dodge
Donkervoort
Eagle
Exomotive
Ferrari
FIAT
Ford
Formula Drift
Funco Motorsports
GMC
Gumpert
HDT
Hennessey
Hillman
Holden
Honda
Hoonigan
Hot Wheels
HSV
Hudson
HUMMER
Hyundai
Infiniti
International
Italdesign
Jaguar
Jeep
Joss
Kia
Koenigsegg
KTM
Lamborghini
Lancia
Land Rover
Lexus
Lincoln
Local Motors
Lola
Lotus
Maserati
Mazda
McLaren
Mercedes-AMG
Mercedes-Benz
Mercury
Meyers
MG
MINI
Mitsubishi
Morgan
Morris
Mosler
Napier
Nissan
Noble
Oldsmobile
Opel
Pagani
Panoz
Peel
Penhall
Peugeot
Plymouth
Polaris
Pontiac
Porsche
Quartz
Radical
RAESR
Reliant
Renault
Rimac
RJ Anderson
Robby Gordon
Rolls-Royce
Rossion
Rover
Saleen
Savage Rivale
Scion
SEAT
Shelby
Spada Vetture Sport
Spania GTA
Spyker
SSC
Subaru
Sunbeam
Talbot
Tamo
Terradyne
Tesla
Toyota
Triumph
TVR
Ultima
Vauxhall
Volkswagen
Volvo
VUHL
W Motors
Wiesmann
Zenvo
Feedback is always appreciated!
submitted by Cars_Forza_fan to gameideas [link] [comments]


2020.04.28 15:59 Xenosaurian Timeline of the Alien, Predator, Alien vs. Predator, and Prometheus Universe

Introduction
The following is the official in-universe timeline of events as they unfold throughout the shared continuity of the Alien, Predator, Alien vs. Predator, and Prometheus franchises. While the cinematic timeline begins with Predator in 1987 and ends with Alien Resurrection in 2381, the shared universe technically began with the 1989 comic Aliens vs. Predator by Dark Horse Comics (which takes place at an unknown date) and was cemented together with the release of the 2004 film Alien vs. Predator (which takes place in the same year) and has been further expanded upon ever since throughout various Alien, Predator, Alien vs. Predator and Prometheus media, notably through the Fire and Stone (2014–2015) and Life and Death (2016–2017) comics by Dark Horse Comics. Throughout this fictional history, we see the Weyland-Yutani Corporation (simply known as "the Company") and its ancestral companies, Weyland Corporation (a.k.a. Weyland Industries) and Yutani Corporation (a.k.a. Yutani Incorporated), and affiliate organizations, such as OWLF/Project Stargazer, in their persistent pursuit of capturing and studying the Aliens (a.k.a. Xenomorph) and the Predators (a.k.a. Yautja), with civilians and military personnel, such as the United States Colonial Marines Corps, trying to combat and survive these extraterrestrial threats while either attempting to stop or aid the Company in achieving their goals.
18th Century
20th Century
21st Century
22nd Century
23rd Century
24th Century
References
  1. Predator 2 (1990), feature film
  2. Predator: 1718 (1996), comic book
  3. Alien vs. Predator - Unrated Edition (2004), home video
  4. Alien vs. Predator (2004), novel
  5. Predator: Concrete Jungle (2005), video game
  6. Alien 3 (1992), feature film
  7. Predator (1987), feature film
  8. Weyland Industries Corporate Timeline
  9. Alien vs. Predator (2004), feature film
  10. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), feature film
  11. Predators (2010), feature film
  12. The Predator (2018), feature film
  13. Alien - Special Edition (1979), home video
  14. Alien: The Weyland-Yutani Report (2016), book
  15. Prometheus (2012), feature film
  16. Aliens: Colonial Marines Technical Manual (2012), book
  17. Alien: Covenant (2017), feature film
  18. Aliens: Apocalypse (1999), comic book
  19. Predator: Forever Midnight (2006), novel
  20. Alien: Isolation (2014), video game
  21. Alien (1979), feature film
  22. Alien: Out of the Shadows (2014), novel
  23. Aliens (1986), feature film
  24. Aliens: Colonial Marines (2013), video game
  25. Prometheus: Fire and Stone (2014), comic book
  26. Aliens: Fire and Stone (2014), comic book
  27. Alien vs. Predator: Fire and Stone (2014-2015), comic book
  28. Predator: Fire and Stone (2014-2015), comic book
  29. Prometheus: Fire and Stone - Omega (2015), comic book
  30. Predator: Life and Death (2016), comic book
  31. Prometheus: Life and Death (2016), comic book
  32. Aliens: Life and Death (2016), comic book
  33. Alien vs. Predator: Life and Death (2017), comic book
  34. Prometheus: Life and Death - Final Conflict (2017), comic book
  35. Alien Resurrection (1997), feature film
submitted by Xenosaurian to alienpredatoruniverse [link] [comments]


2020.04.17 19:18 ARKANGELISBEST the streetlamp le moose story

It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That's double the goodness of your ordinary name!
Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. 'Streetlamp?' She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet.
Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He's wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says 'Yes Miss?' - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God.
'Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,' the teacher will say, 'you sure have a unique name.'
'I'm a unique guy,' he'll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink.
Fade to black.
Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you.
He's earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he's becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha.
His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that's unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what's right, and does it well.
Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn't fight back, he doesn't wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He's beautiful.
The bullies aren't caring though - they're just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you're pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they're seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he's secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he's a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he's more attractive by bullying him.
So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they're going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity.
Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She's developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher's doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. 'Streetlamp... Le Moose?' she says.
He looks up from the discussion he's having with one of the buddies that he'd made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - 'Yes Miss,' he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again.
She giggles - blushing.
They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it's a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he's an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy.
Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn't because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she'd never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn't want to get serious so soon.
Streetlamp? He didn't mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist.
Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it's toll on his health, but it doesn't, he stays on top of it all.
By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there's a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He's the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it's well and truly over now.
Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he's handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn't drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn't want to damage it.
Senior's hanging by the staircase, she's wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. 'Hi Streetlamp,' she says.
'Well Hi There.'
'You want to come upstairs with me?'
Fade to black.
Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.
He's dating the tightbody. She's 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.
People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren't good people - she's good like that. He's studying pretty hard, and training too - it's a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.
He's turned into a natural born leader.
He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he's there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn't what he's used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy 'Forever 21' shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.
They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that's her.
Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she's a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfuckegood guy that he is doesn't care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she'll like.
He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn't go so well - they didn't get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn't a fan. She's getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what's up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.
Dilemma.
Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.
The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He's happy for them. He's proud.
Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he's been empowered and how he's lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn't hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.
A lot of people are crying along with him.
After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it's the finest speech that he has ever heard.
He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He's still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.
The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.
'No, dude, relax! Have a good time,' Streetlamp says.
He opens the door and who's there; Floral.
His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, 'H-hi,' he manages to spit out. He's never been tongue tied around a girl before. She's got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she's wearing a floral print dress.
'Nice dress, I haven't seen you in one like that since...' His thought trailed.
'Since Preschool, I know.'
She smiled at him.
Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.
He's got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he's really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he's being pressured into declaring for the draft. It's a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.
He's sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He's been asked by his professors to help TA'ing some of the first year classes. They're pretty boring; he didn't really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.
First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He's always wanted to pull the cliched 'Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer' move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.
'Well, you're a rare sight in a class like this,' he says, turning to her.
She turns to him, grinning. 'Streetlamp?'
'Abigail? I hardly recognised you.'
She laughed, 'It's been an interesting year.'
'I can tell.'
A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.
'You're taking first year law?' She asked.
'Something like that.'
The man took the podium, scanning the students. 'Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,' he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.
That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren't that far away from each other. Turns out that she'd gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She'd taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.
She'd changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.
As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they'd go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they'd gotten through.
That year, they win the BCS.
Third year, last year of Pre-Law.
Abigail and Streetlamp start dating. The Coach of the Cardinal's didn't like it to begin with. There was a lot of conflict - he thought that she was bad for him, that she was dangerous. The cropped spikey hair and leather she always wore - even in the dead of summer didn't help Streetlamp's case.
It was a Tuesday night that the sparks truly flew. Streetlamp was sitting in Coach's office, a combination of Mahogany and Red lush carpet (Coach had been given a raise after the BCS championship).
'It isn't acceptable Streetlamp. I can't have my star athlete going around dating somebody like that. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about your career, it's about the public perception, it's about our fans and the teams that are scouting you - that want you. Is it really worth risking all of that for -' he paused, a look of disgust on his face, 'her?'
'Quite frankly coach,' he said, staring him straight in the eyes, 'I couldn't care less. I try to always do what's right, and to always be honest, and that's what I'm going to do now. Abigail is the girl that I care about, that I love, her appearance be damned. She is the single most kind, caring, intelligent and brilliant girl that I have ever met, and if you were to ask me to give up either her or football. Well, I'd have to have a long think about that.'
'Boy, I've been where you are before. I've cared for, god damn - I've loved girls with more of me than I care to admit, but this is your future. This is the rest of your life. She isn't the type that you marry. She's the type that you fuck for a few years, spend your fortune on and then leaves you for your best buddy.' He inhaled, tearing up a little bit, 'I just don't want to see you hurt by her Streetlamp.'
'I understand Coach, but you have to understand me. I've known her for most of my life, I've trusted her with all that I am, and she hasn't betrayed me. Sure, we have rough patches, we drift apart sometimes, but we always come back. We. Always. Come. Back. Football is one thing coach, but a life without the girl that I love - that's something completely different.'
They sat in silence for a little while. Coach staring at his desk and Streetlamp, at his lap.
Streetlamp's voice croaked as he started to speak again; 'If you're asking me to choose between football and the love of my life, you know the answer.'
That season, they went undefeated again with Streetlamp starting every single game. His passing rating sat on 192.1 for the season, and the speculation surrounding his decision at the end of the year was making the news every single night.
A lot of the pro teams have been flying out their coaches to talk to him. He's not sure. He's conflicted; ambivalent.
It was late on a Friday that he decided to seek advice. He called his father; the rock of his life. The man that had always been there for him, loved and cared for him. The man that would give up everything for his son's happiness.
'Son,' his father had said, 'You've always loved Football, but you've always loved helping people too. I think that's the quality that I most admire in you. You're a special kid, the best son that a father can hope for, and one that I'm so very proud of.' Streetlamp could hear his father crying now, 'I don't know what decision you'll make, but I know you, and I know that whatever decision you come to is going to be the right one.'
Draft day 2032.
Streetlamp is paraded across the stage along with the rest of the speculated top draft picks. He wears a nice suit with a plain white shirt underneath and a crisp dark tie. Just looking at him, you can tell that behind those eyes lurks an incredible intellect.
The introductory proceedings stretch on for half an hour, but finally, they're backstage again. Streetlamp sighs, his nerves holding his chest in a vice.
'It's going to be fine honey.' She says, hugging him tight to her chest.
'I know. It's just. Wow.'
'Who would've thought, hey?'
'Who would've thought.'
'I always knew, I read a story about you once,' said his Father, joking to relieve the tension. 'Best god damn story ever written.'
Streetlamp laughed. 'That's ridiculous.'
'Loosened you up though, didn't it?'
'Sure did.'
There was a short silence. Streetlamp rubbed his eyes.
'Did you get much sleep last night?' His mother asked.
'Not enough.' Streetlamp said, 'the nerves, y'no.'
'First pick, I'm telling you son. LA Jaguars - your new home.'
The introductions are done - the elderly Peyton Manning stands in front of thousands of fans - millions watching live at home.
'The first pick of the 2032 draft goes to the LA Jaguars.'
A tense minute passes. Streetlamp watches the action on a small tv in the backstage area - a camera up in his face.
Another minute passes. He starts to panic. Abigail clutches his hand. Staring at her, he can't help but smile. Over the last year, she'd traded her cropped hair for a longer style, and her leather in for sweaters and blouses. She never did say why, but he suspected that word got back to her about his confrontation with the coach. He'd asked, but she just denied.
'... and with the first pick of the 2032 NFL draft, the LA Jaguars pick... Streetlamp Le Moose!'
His jaw drops, exhaling deeply, his eyes wide open. His mother and father are jumping up and down screaming, Abigail is clutching on to him tighter than ever. 'You did it,' she says, 'you did it.'
The day after, the contract had been drawn up, including the special circumstances. The news story broke that night 'Streetlamp Le Moose - Signed for $47 million over 7 years. Reported to also be attending Law School as well.'
He's taking the degree externally.
He'd told his father the day before the signing. He'd been accepted to Yale.
2036
He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.
'I do.'
'You may now kiss the bride.'
With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.
'I love you, you know.'
She smiled 'I know.'
In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he'd never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.
He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.
She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.
The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.
'I don't know very many of you,' he said, 'and that's a shame. I don't doubt that you're all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."
'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd 'we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.'
'I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn't look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn't discriminate.'
'I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.'
'That day, it struck me, there's a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don't care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.'
'It is our job now to fight for people who can't fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.'
'I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."'
'Thankyou.'
2041
His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. 'Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?' Streetlamp asked.
The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. 'I can't stand the stuff,' he said, 'if it's not real, it can't be good.'
'Ah, I'm a bit the same, I've been almost too careful since Chair came along.'
'Chair? Your son right?'
'Yes sir. Chair De'Burlap.'
'Interesting name. Strong name.' He said, his brow creased, nodding. 'You think he's going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?'
Streetlamp laughed, 'I'm not a legend yet sir.'
The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, 'Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league.' He shook his head. 'What're you going to do with all that money?'
'Good Sir, I'm going to do good.'
'I'm sure you will son.'
That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.
'Hey dad,' he said.
'Streetlamp! How're you going? How's Chair?'
'We're good dad. I signed the new contract today.'
'I saw - it's all over the news. $180 million, it's a lot of money.'
'That it is.'
'Any plans for what you're going to do with it?'
'I'm opening my own charity. I've been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,' he paused, 'these women dad. They're broken. They're violated and they're broken. It's like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.'
He paused.
His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.
'I can't make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.'
'That's very noble.'
'It's just the right thing to do.'
'You always do the right thing.'
Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.
'Hey babe, good day?' She'd shed the baby weight amazingly quick.
'It was great, I'm just on the phone with Dad.'
'Tell him I say hi.'
'Will do.'
'Was that Abi?' Streetlamp's Dad asked.
'Sure was. She says hi.'
'I'll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.'
'Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.'
'Love you too son.'
Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.
'I saw the news,' said Abigail.
'It's hard not to now-a-days.'
'$180 million is a lot of money.'
'I know.'
'How much are you pledging to the charity.'
'I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking...' his sentence trailed off.
'Yes?'
'I was thinking I'd pledge $170 million. If you're okay with that.'
'I'm more than okay. I'm proud of you.'
2046:
'Breaking news: Jaguars' star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.'
Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'I've never been more sure.'
'But, you love football.'
'I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can't lose you. I can't leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.'
'You're a good father.'
'You're the best mother.'
She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.
A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, 'Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?'
'Yes, I am Jessie.'
He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.
'And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,' said one news reporter.
'He's spent the last week flanked by reports that he's injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.' Another said.
Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.
'Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.'
A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.
'Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I'm sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I'm no longer a young man. I'm not in the same athletic shape as I once was.'
'I'm not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De'Burlap, who's starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.'
'My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he's still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don't think I'd be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn't for him.'
'I've been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I'm sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I'm sure the team will be more than safe with him.'
'I've achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I've opened my own charity, I've defended the rights of women who couldn't afford defending, I've raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I've always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I've always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.'
He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, 'In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.' He walked off stage.
2056: 'Ladies and gentleman,' Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, 'I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.'
'Today,' he paused, 'today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.'
An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.
'The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I'm sure it pains you too.'
'I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.'
'Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.'
'I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.'
With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively 'Hello Mr. President.'
He smiled at her, chuckling, 'Hello, First Lady,'
This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?
submitted by ARKANGELISBEST to copypasta [link] [comments]


2020.04.11 16:19 Kronag Turn 15 - November 2270

Turn 15 - November 2270
Those whom we sent south to Mexico finally returned to us. They also made a long and extremely difficult journey, faced with a sufficiently large number of dangers. But we can consider it good luck that most of travelers from both expeditions still returned to Vallejo.
First part of their journey was calm enough, they moved along already well-known places, moving south along coast. They were warmly received at Maxon, allowing replenishment. This city was built by Brotherhood of Steel after war with Master, in order to have a place where they can place refugees from all over California, that rushed to them, having heard stories about power of Brotherhood and its abilities comparable to Union of Atomic Workers. There, expedition was met by stands of city, who asked about our plans, but then said that, unfortunately, they could help little. Brotherhood did not go further south than Sonora, only east. However, it was possible to replenish supplies for a long enough and dangerous journey.
Pirates of Channel and Santa Catalina islands are well known to all those who travel along southern seas, so it was decided not to follow along the coast, but to go around them in a wide arc, surrendering to flow of the river, and try to pester right in Glow. There are few notes on this stage of the trip, mainly due to its uniformity, even aquatic nomads were rarely found.
But then Glow met expedition with a very cold welcome. As it turned out, she was suspected of being the next spies of General Lee. Day Glow is a fairly young settlement, founded only after destruction of Master, when a group of immigrants from Boneyard settled here. City became a real refuge, where all those who could not find a place to north in California, under control of Brotherhood, settled. Ghouls who do not want to return to destroyed Bakersfield, super mutants fleeing paladins, and rumored to even come from Enclave. City turned out to be rather strange, but at same time unified - it is ruled by dynasty of kings of Fredericksons, who rule city since its re-settlement. Unfortunately, we have few contacts with this city - cemetery was closed to it by Boneyard , and because of disputes over size of pass tax, a war broke out ten years ago.
San Diego Ruins
Our stay in city is extremely limited. However, Rangers simply could not stop it, and they entered where it should not be entered. As it turned out, city is slowly recovering from last war and is now preparing for a new one. Considering that General Lee is at head of Boneyard , it seems that nothing can stop the new war. Well, at least we went unnoticed.
Meanwhile, our ships moved further south. Bach was not very attractive to us, besides La Paz, where it was possible to replenish supplies and supplies of water. It was a land under the control of usuall raiders, where a few peasants were forced to fight for their lives and crops; which is most often same thing when comparing with a constant battle with a radioactive Wasteland. These raiders are just another rabble that does not deserve much attention.
But moving even further north along the coast, into territory of Sonora Wasteland, we found something interesting; our expedition came across a port belonging to a very well-armed group, and this immediately interested us. At same time, they turned out to be quite welcoming, especially by standards of Wasteland, and agreed to lead to their leader, who is simply called Generalissimo. It turned out to be a middle-aged man dressed in a uniform, with a rather pleasant appearance and soft baritone, as well as manners amazingly good for Wasteland. He friendly greeted everyone, saying that he was glad to welcome travelers from distant countries, and whether they would like to purchase his goods.
When asked what kind of goods he was, he simply indicated his armed guard - a weapon. As it turned out, huge weapons, whole hangars filled with canned weapons of American army from time before Great War. According to him, it was bought by everyone in vicinity: from Boneyard and Baja to Legion, paying for it with silver and slaves. This clarified some things, for example, from where Glow took weapons in its enmity with Boneyard. On one hand, we have now got potential contact on supply of weapons, on the other hand... rangers are turning him off. According to them, this is just another boss of Raiders, only better educated, but therefore no less deserving of death.
Generalissimo soldiers
Further, our movement to south revealed quite a few strange things. In Los Mochis, our fighters were met by tribes wearing strange masks. As one of Followers said, these are masks of luchadors, wrestlers, who once were part of Mexican culture during existence of Mexico itself. Two of their leaders warmly welcomed expedition, especially rangers were impressed by El Sante - who was even offered to enter corps, to which he answered with a polite refusal, citing a vow - and in honor of meeting they fought in public. Then expedition spent several weeks writing down legends of these tribes and sketching their masks, in which each pattern acquired its own meaning, which no one knew before. It is amazing how rich the culture they actually preserve.
Luchadors, more complex mask pattern, richer story of wearer.
Farther south was Mazatlan, where troops found a strange society, and Luchadore tribes discouraged our people from visiting them, calling these lands damned. Ghouls lived there, which was not unusual, but these are ghouls, which are still remembered in pre-war times and have preserved the pre-war organization in form of a criminal cartel. Only fact that they are on an expedition and, in general, overwhelmingly small in number, stopped rangers from completing the trial of these ghouls. People who are subordinate to them turned out to be much stranger. They are ordinary people, but at the same time they worship ghouls, like living saints, who are considered the earthly messengers of Santa Maria de Muerto. Unhappy and clogged people who, unfortunately, do not understand that ghouls were once the same people.
Santa Maria de Muerto
And finally, following even further south, our ship was intercepted by a pair of other ships sailing under same flag. They did not know English, so far an expedition climbed south, but among followers were those who knew Spanish. As it turned out, we were lucky to stumble upon a whole fleet of Nuevo Aztlan empire. But when they learned that our expedition had scientific and research goals, they decided not to detain us, but to carry us to the imperial port - Puerto Lazaro Cardenas. As it turned out, this port is not so big, unlike the main base of fleet - Acapulco, but it stands on river, along which you can get almost to capital. And there, our expedition was met by commander of fleet of empire - Admiral Gail Kincaid.
A restrained middle-aged man, in his appearance inspired inspiration and respect. He had the ability to have a certain aura around him, like Moore, which caused fear. He reservedly greeted your envoys, saying that the news about them had already reached the imperial court and the Speaker wished to see them. He volunteered to escort expedition to court, specifying that his position also requires a presence at such an event.
“Just be careful, people of Bear are in capital. We still have those who remember that Curachos came from north under banner of Eagle, and we had a war with them. You may not be right people, but their blood flows in you, " - He gave such an instruction before leaving for the capital. - "And... about Speaker, there is no need to focus... you yourself will understand."
Capital itself met travelers with a huge city, much larger than even Shady himself. It was evident that this is capital of empire, which surpasses Republic in everything. Palace itself was a giant pyramid, inside of which were the Speaker's chamber.
She turned out to be a very young and pretty swarthy girl, sitting on a throne too large for her. A mask was hidden over her face, hiding her eyes, and it was impossible to look through her. Everyone was silent, except for two men that quarreled among themselves, but no one paid attention to them. As soon as he went inside, Kincaid fell to his knee, starting to speak.
“Yes, Speaker, I brought them. Here they are, with me, wanderers from the far north. Yes, I agree, it’s your will."
It really looked weird, but then everything became even less normal. In head of everyone there was an angry voice of a woman, addressed to those two men:
"Leave your usual debate among themselves, and not in front of strangers. It is not worth empire to show itself weak in front of people of Bear" - as soon as they were silent, she turned to her guests and also said: “I am glad to welcome you in my possessions."
As one of Followers later suggested, this is strikingly similar to what was encountered about a century ago, at time of Master, and is called psionics. They have not seen this for decades, but as it turned out, whole country is under control of such a dynasty.
Surprisingly, our expedition was well received, it seems, treating them according to the principle "they are savages, what manners do you expect from them." For our sake, they even organized a whole parade, where there were both rather inexpressive special forces detachments, imperial army troops, and... warriors in power armor. Yes, far from as high-quality as Brotherhood of Steel, but it was still power armor.
Nevertheless, we managed to learn a lot about the southern lands. They turned out to be connected with all countries and told about their old enemy - Mayans from Yucatan Peninsula, with whom they have been waging a continuous war for generations. Worshiping bloody gods, they offer sacrifices to them to ward off misfortunes, as they themselves believe. In north are possessions of machine god - Tlaloc, who fifteen years ago destroyed Mexico City with a nuclear bomb, and his Aztecs clearly consider it a real evil in flesh. We heard stories that north of possessions of Tlaloc there is another democracy, whose name is Republic of Rio Grande. Well, in addition, we were met by a representative from another cartel, but this time under protection of Aztecs and supplying coffee; he told us that their cartel would be happy to supply us with the required amount of coffee.
Map of Mexico
Question is whether we will try to trade with inhabitants of southern seas. This path is much longer and therefore much more risky, but at same time it also promises much greater benefit. At moment, our quarterly surplus is 36 thousand dollars.
We also decided to take up expansion of our only port, and this will play an important role if we want to someday become a great maritime power. So far, at least, we have set about restoring city as a port.
It was not so difficult to find workers for cleaning bottom; Gunderson offered his workers, whom he sent practically for nothing to this ignoble work; for they were under a contract obliged to fulfill all orders that do not stand against laws. Crane aroused very solid interest, and it is unlikely to work like a real port crane, but we can even move ordinary boxes; in general, we were able to shift half costs to barons. Flynn agreed to fully pay for construction of road to Vallejo. For us, this, of course, is a great advantage, which allowed us to conduct this event on a budget, we just had to build a house and get down to dismantling the park. There just managed to find mechanisms that will lift the load on crane. In general, everything turned out to be much cheaper than it could.
As for the expeditions we sent, then... at shipyard, from there we managed to pull out a fairly large number of welding machines and other equipment, as well as to find several unfinished coast guard ships. Unfortunately, heavily unfinished, of weapons there should have been only machine guns, and they were not installed. But at least we managed to get a small part of machines and send it for sale.
Shipyard pre-war image
As for Hopeville. Yes, our expectations were met, there really was a military base. But, unfortunately, we managed to find not so much here. Reason is pretty banal - Nanjimi, or rather, our war with her. Yes, Wasteland armies are not so big, but in a few months of desperate resistance, sparing no ammunition, they managed to spend most of their weapons. Rest they quite understandably tried to take with them. But this is not a reason to lose heart! We still managed to find something. There are quite a few shoulder machine guns on this list, some army carbines and sniper rifles, US Army armor, and a pretty solid amount of explosives. Explosives partly settled in our warehouses, partly went to mines. As for rest, everything went to rearm first infantry, corps of the rangers and armament of Gamma squad, reducing cost of their equipment, but more on that later.
But here's what we did not hope to find - this is a whole missile base. As it turned out, there were nuclear warheads that had never been launched in China. Ultimate weapon in Wasteland, but... we never managed to find launch codes from it. However, perhaps it’s for better, all the same, control systems will not be able to crack even Brotherhood of Steel, it’s better to remain forever forgotten by Death of Old World.
https://preview.redd.it/ofybmd7727s41.png?width=807&format=png&auto=webp&s=000c9df07cace162d2de5cd8d848eeab8f72bc3f
And our infiltration in Mojave turned out... completely unsuccessful. Our scouts tried to come up with a standard story about how well we did when we made our way through raiders and drove them east, that we would free these lands too. That was problem. For inhabitants of these lands, this was by no means considered a threat. On contrary, before her appearance, raiders threatened Nipton and Novak, and her people helped to protect these cities. So this time, we turned out to be invaders who make themselves liberators, as Nanjimi said. As a result, rangers left Primm at point of sheriff’s rifle. Yes, they could have easily killed him, but that would only confirm her words.
And speaking of the Gamma squad, it is formed. We managed to collect two full battalions: one for ghouls, second for super mutants. Mixed units also tried to create, but all communication attempts were destroyed by second-generation super mutants who simply ignored them.
Moreover, it should be said that second-generation super mutants have become main problem in the organization of squads. They didn’t really want to obey te person, and this was a big enough problem until Ranger Burke decided to figure out methods that are clear to these not-so-smart mutants. Namely: during next speech, before an attempt was made to attack him, he simply made two shots from a revolver at mutant. But he did not kill him, but crushed his patella. And then he went up to him and said:
“Yes, big man, if you come up, you will easily beat me. But for two centuries no one has yet reached me."
With all rest, there were no more problems than with ordinary people, and in some cases even less. Moreover, he managed to assemble a good guard from ghouls, especially those who remember world before war. As it turned out, he was familiar with some of them from time when they served in American army together, and therefore they easily became a clique, which controls everyone else. However, he asks for time to continue uniting the unit and not throw him into battle.
And since we do not have the opportunity to get involved in a new political conflict, we are offered to send diplomats and try to resolve our issues and claims peacefully. Only question is where to send them.
Voting here: https://forms.gle/NMkxbeUEQriqFYu79
Statistic of Republic: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1UXYSccMrYalnw4Rw5Y8l0FeQga2nYKMY/edit#gid=1344410064
Please comment on post and communicate among themselves, saying - which option is best. Also please like this post. Longer he is at the top, more people will see him and take part in vote.
submitted by Kronag to OldWorldBlues [link] [comments]


2020.04.02 12:30 kittehgoesmeow What A Day: Take Away Florida's Keys by Sarah Lazarus & Crooked Media (04/01/20)

"It’s always cocktail hour in a crisis!" - Ina Garten, 9:30 AM

Flu's Blues

The CDC now estimates that around 25 percent of coronavirus carriers in the U.S. could be asymptomatic, highlighting why you cannot have a friend over even if you both feel terrific. Stay home, assume you’re infected, and enjoy this tale of how the government is making the crisis worse for no reason:
Meanwhile, Trump is trying to pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on America’s memory of the weeks he spent downplaying the virus.
Trump is flooding the airwaves with propaganda that rewrites recent history, and Democrats are up against absurd obstacles like Google’s COVID-19 ad policy, which thwart efforts to get the truth about Trump’s failures to the public. The results of the election may very well hinge on the country’s understanding of the administration’s response to this pandemic, and we can’t wait until the emergency is over to dismantle Trump’s false narrative.

Look No Further Than The Crooked Media

Tomorrow is What A Day the podcast’s 100th episode! Celebrate with them—listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts 💯

Under The Radar

Wisconsin plans to proceed with its primary election, scheduled for April 7, despite increasing calls for the state to delay it. Bernie Sanders joined the outcry today, calling for the primary to be postponed, along with the Democratic Party of Wisconsin, which has also signed on to a legal fight to expand voting by mail. Wisconsin’s Republican legislature has adamantly opposed expanding access to absentee voting, because of course they have, and the state is reluctant to delay the primary because it’s also the general election for key state and local offices. Nearly 60 percent of Wisconsin municipalities have reported a shortage of poll workers due to coronavirus fears—Gov. Tony Evers (D-WI) plans to call in the National Guard to staff polling sites, but the state may still come up short. Even if the polls are adequately staffed, it’s hard to imagine that everyone in the state who wishes to vote would feel safe doing so.

What Else?

Coronavirus Insider Trading Update: Sen. Kelly Loeffler (R-GA) also sold shares in retail stores and bought up stock in a company that makes COVID-19 protective garments. Seems like a nice day for her to resign!
The federal prison system will confine inmates to their cells for two weeks to fight the spread of coronavirus. As outbreaks spread in prisons and jails across the country, incarcerated people in Washington, DC, and Texas have sued their prison systems for better access to sanitary supplies.
The University of California announced it will suspend its admission testing requirements in response to the coronavirus crisis, but applicants do still need to make sure their personal essay about the coronavirus stands out from the 48769295 other coronavirus essays.
America First Action, the main Trump re-election super PAC, has launched a wave of anti-Biden ads in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg won’t stop working out with her trainer at the Supreme Court gym, continuing her devoted efforts to send us into a collective panic.
There was an unprecedented spike in U.S. gun sales last month, topping the buying surge that followed the Sandy Hook shooting. In this time of widespread illness, at least we know that the nation is in a great place psychologically.
Ten New Jersey residents have been charged with violating the state’s lockdown order after gathering for an engagement party. What are you doing! Show them the ring over Zoom and then spend so much time trapped alone with your fiancé that you change your mind, like everyone else!
Wimbledon has been canceled for the first time since World War II. If we know tennis players (really sorry about this one) they’ll bounce back (just no excuse).

Be Smarter

Five states have essentially banned abortion during the coronavirus crisis, and yesterday a court ruled that Texas’s ban can go into effect while a legal challenge plays out. Ohio, Alabama, Iowa, and Oklahoma have also categorized abortion as a non-essential procedure, and ordered clinics not to offer it until the crisis is over. This is all very likely headed up to the Supreme Court, where Chief Justice John Roberts will probably be the deciding vote on whether states can end abortion completely if they use a pandemic as cover. Roberts has previously sided with conservative justices in an opinion deferring to Trump’s judgement to make calls for the common good in times of crisis, and he could very well defer to GOP governors to ban abortion on the same pretense. (For more on this—tune in to tomorrow’s What A Day podcast featuring an interview with the head of Planned Parenthood.)

Is That Hope I Feel?

California plans to release 3,500 non-violent prisoners—a tiny fraction of the state’s incarcerated population, but one of the largest releases since the crisis began.
Blood-donation centers have ramped up efforts to collect plasma from recovered COVID-19 patients.
Facebook has expanded its Community Help feature to let neighbors request and offer assistance.
Dolly Parton announced she’ll donate $1 million to Vanderbilt University Medical Center to fund coronavirus research, and starting tomorrow she’ll be reading bedtime stories to children. (Also, to us.)
Girl Scout cookies are now available to buy online, and while you’re vastly improving the quality of your quarantine (or, quar-qual™), you can donate a few boxes to first responders.
Here’s a handy list of ongoing food and delivery strikes, to help avoid crossing a picket line.

Enjoy

Lucy Small on Twitter: "2 weeks of isolation and we're out here making picnic tables for squirrels because we're insane"
submitted by kittehgoesmeow to FriendsofthePod [link] [comments]


2020.01.29 22:45 devoted101 Undetermined Death of a Teenage Goth, Illinois - 1993

I am not sure if this is the correct forum/subreddit for this or not.
I was not sure if anyone here is interested in putting on their Sherlock hat here on this one or not, but this is something that happened back when I was a high school student and one of my closest friend's at that time died just weeks after moving back home.
This happened in 1993 so its been long enough that it no longer brings up tears but when I was 17 this was a devastating event that had a significant ripple effect that lasted years in most cases and lead to a divorce, a suicide attempt, and a suicide.
Although life has well moved on, every year on the anniversary of his death I think about him and his family and wonder what really happened that night. I decided to do a FOIA request this time around and I was expecting ... closure is not the right word, more like just an answer, was it suicide, accidental manslaughter?, or murder?
I am still biased just by the nature of the event but was wondering what non-biased people may think.
I will not say more here but I will add a *spoiler* with my thoughts from when I was a kid, now looking back as an adult, as well as a strange inaccuracy in the police report regarding when I was interviewed.
I am not overly reddit savvy nor do I fancy myself an armchair detective but I thought maybe there are people with an opinion that may lead to me becoming a little bit of a web sleuth - with a cyber scooby gang of others.

Before the police report just a quick non-biased (as best I can) summary with the information I had the day he died and space/time context.
On Tuesday 7 December 1993 I went to one of my closest friend's parents' home after school. He was at a party the night before which he mentioned to me but I was 17 and it was a Monday night (school night) and there would be no way. Additionally he had some new friends on whom I was never keen. His dad and stepmom came out and told another friend (who came with me after school) that Chris had died. I waited in the car in part because I was driving and I figured I would pick him up because he was not driving in part because he did not have a car but also his license was out of date. We planned to go to the local dmv next Wednesday to get that sorted. His parents came to the car told me to park and told me the following: while at the party Chris may have taken drugs, put a bag over his head, tied it around his neck and died from suffocation. It turns out that there was only one person at the party other than Chris that I knew. His name is Lee. I did not like him nor dislike him at the time but I having met him before Chris came back home from being in Indiana for the past 9 months it was no surprise that Chris would want to be friends with the guy (he was in our broader friend group at the time) but I never felt comfortable around him. He seemed too edgy and too into drugs for me to feel at ease. Despite being "goth" I was for all intents and purposes I was a naïve, nerdy, and nervous boy scout of a punk. Many of those qualities I'd say I still posses, haha. Ever since Chris started hanging out with Lee outside the friend group it was clear that Chris was smoking weed a lot and somewhat less ambitious than he was when he first returned though he still had goals that he was determined to achieve. Additionally it seemed that Lee was more an "alpha" friend between the two which for me was so strange because I've never seen Chris as the "passenger" friend, if you get my meaning. I'm not saying he was an alpha or beta male, but in his friendships he was more the leader or second in command to one of the girls in the friend group in question. Again I am using simile and metaphor here but I hope it conveys what I am trying to describe accurately.
This party was in DeKalb, Illinois which was 20 minutes from where we lived. Chris also had a quasi-girlfriend at this time with whom he would stay overnight sometimes but I would not say he was living with her. He was a notorious couch-surfer with friends as long as I knew him, even when he was in high school with me.
Despite DeKalb being the home of Northern Illinois University, it is the university in the center of a corn field and especially in 1993 the home of barbed-wire was not very culturally diverse. Though notably improved in 2020, if a cursory google search hints that the city still has some issues with over zealous white cops *seemingly* disproportionately targeting minorities.
Our friend group and extended friend groups were fairy eccentric. Think goth-chic before it was altered by manson or combined with metal; mixed with vintage mid-century and classic "oddball."
Here is Chris 3 months before he died:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/q29t1t6y4kpslbq/last.jpg?dl=0
His Bowie gender-bending influenced look may or may not have colored the perception of rural investigators. Again, it was 1993.
More of Chris:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/16b3y4oadyrihyo/shave02.jpg?dl=0
https://www.dropbox.com/s/6mslvlztwxmxjxs/spare%20roomwq.jpg?dl=0
https://www.dropbox.com/s/ert04dc9ua78x6e/chris2.jpg?dl=0
https://www.dropbox.com/s/4u9xnzi8xoj1tss/fallen.jpg?dl=0

Here is the police report, the part I redacted is with red bars and my user name here-which is obvious-
https://www.dropbox.com/s/nyffepwymuxvpgv/93deathreport_Redacted_2.pdf?dl=0
If i have posted this in the wrong sub let me know where would be a more appropriate place. Thank you for checking this out if you made it this far. I am sorry for any breeches of protocol here on reddit but I am a noob at this.
Now my takes...
First my interview.
I do not remember the guitar thing whatsoever. I am not saying that I did not say it but I have no idea where that came from, who said it to me, why I would have repeated it, and I absolutely do not remember that.
Next, when I said Chris was "less fun" or acting differently I ALSO said that it was ONLY when he was around Lee and high on cannabis. Obviously that is not in the report for some reason. I also mentioned that Lee seemed to have an odd hold over Chris. I remember once while hanging out all together Lee was sketching himself with a leash on Chris who had a collar around his neck as we sat sipping tea and/or coffee sharing a plate of french fries. I found that strange, but I also found it strange that Chris had no comment on it either.
Yes we would sometimes talk of emotionally morbid topics but we were teenagers, goths, listening to Morrissey/The Smiths, The Cure, Depeche Mode.. you get the picture. And Chris may have bragged about having taken LSD but whether or not he actually did use it "20 times" I have no idea. In retrospect knowing how teen guys talk it could have been Chris talking complete shite. I am sure he probably at least tried it but more than that I do not know.
On Chris:
Yes he was a little wild, made some bad choices BUT he was also exceptionally bright and very well read with goals and ambitions that were not just pipe-dreams. To some all of us at that time could have looked scary, strange, wasted, a waste of space or whatever but we were not, he was not, and EVEN IF he was, he was only 19 years old, he was a caring son, brother, and compassionate friend who was also a lot of fun. He was an avid skateboarder with ironically weak ankles - which is neither here nor there but just to render more of his character sketch here. Drugs was almost never a part of the equation when hanging out with Chris. He had a strong sense of wanderlust at the best of times or a couch-surfing rolling stone at the worst of times.
If you know the original run of the American sitcom Roseanne, think somewhere between Mark and Darlene. One time he and I were sent to the principal's office because of our eye-liner and eye-shadow which was against the rules for boys (after that incident) and both of us got detention from wearing a simple black headband to keep our hair back.
He saw me, the new kid at high school, and saw I clearly did not fit in with the farmers' kids of the area (I was a transplant from the Chicago suburbs) and had one of his other skateboarding friends approach me and say "Chris Brucki would like you to have lunch with him and some friends" on my second day of this new school in a new town. I said "who is Chris Brucki." He said, "the skater with the hair" I knew what he meant and that weekend I spent the night at his house, which at this time for some reason he was living with a friend of his' family - to this day I do not know why and never asked him or his dad about it.
On the interview after mine in the report:
That was done with our friend that I will call M. Although he was one of our friends all the rest of us knew that he never seemed able to speak the truth despite the importance of the topic. To reference television once again, but think James Buckley's character Jay on British sitcom The Inbetweeners. And M's interview reflects that fact.

From the police report as a whole:
I should point out, he was a serial dater but never had a falling out with any girlfriend even after he had moved on to the next, even when there may have been a little overlap at times. He was a charmer like that. That said there was some sexual fluidity, but even the gay friends in the group had some sexual fluidity. Maybe its a teen thing - especially in that subculture.
Note the behavior of the girl come lately - I did not know her nor do I think I even ever met her just to give better context to how close Chris could have possibly been with her.
She states she was so tired at 1am, 3am, that she was going to leave Chris at the scene so she could go home and sleep but then drives around 2 hours to her friend's place at U of I.
Note that one group of people there that night say Chris scored LSD, 2 hits, and certainly try to imply that the LSD brought him to suicide. Yet in the autopsy report you can see that the only drug in his system at the time was THC.
One can see that this report has inconsistent redactions - though the name redacted the most oddly seems to be Lee. Page 22 about 1/3rd down I am rather certain Lee's name is redacted.
"She said as everyone was leaving, Chris said "I love you Lee(?) I love you Lee(?)" If you look at the shortness of the redacted name and also the bottom of the letters the second time it's redacted I'm rather sure it is Lee.
MORE ON LEE:
Before Chris even met him, I remember meeting him with the group and when he eventually became a part of it. He was frequently high on something and rather quick witted and cunning. I learned about drugs secondhand through his usage, including ketamine, ghb, and mdma. Or at least that is what he claimed he was high on at certain times and would show us and even offer from time to time. I was frankly scared shitless of this fact but as long as I was sober and either was one of the drivers who drove out to DeKalb that night OR with a more reliable friend I felt safe to leave if things got too seedy for me. I particularly remember he would smokes joints that were dipped in one of those drugs - but I cannot remember which one. And one he had in a clear canister or vile one night. It was a clear liquid that he said tasted like sweat. He treated that one like it was liquid ambrosia.
LEE 1 YEAR AFTER CHRIS'S DEATH:
It was no secret that I considered Lee at the very least responsible for Chris's death. Our friend group splintered and we did not hang out all together anymore. One of the group killed himself (not knowing at the time he was to be a father). I avoided Lee any time our paths would accidentally cross. One night for reasons to this day I do not know I accepted an invitation to meet with Lee. It was cold, maybe Jan or Feb 1995. I drove my parent's van to see him that night. He suggested we got high. We parked somewhere discreetly and smoked in the body of the conversion van. I did not want to smoke much but thought a single hit or two would be good because I was incredibly nervous and I wanted to confront him. He had this elaborate gothed-out pipe with a fine chain mail or something similar on it and offered it to me. I passed it and he refused and told me to take another hit. He then pulled out an average weed pipe and smoked from it. I asked why he had two pipes on him and he said something about me being the guest (though it was in my vehicle -my parents' but still) he never once smoked from the pipe he handed me. He said "I know you think I killed him." He motioned for me to smoke more but I could sort of feel it and did not want to smoke past it so I took a couple microhits or would let it into my mouth but not my lungs but tried to make it seem like I was smoking more BUT he kept staring at me. Anyway he continued "I would never kill him. He is still alive, he is in this crystal. I put his soul in this crystal, you can see him." He pulled a necklace out from under his shirt that had a small black crystal on it, somewhat common in the 90s but still seen from time to time today- but also one I know Chris used to wear before he died but was not on his body when the detective went to the scene, nor did it surface in his belongings from that night. He said, "You can live in there too if you want. I'm going to put my soul in here too. We can all live in this crystal." Yes he was smoking and yes he was strange but this was different. Lee always seemed prone to what I now know is called "magical thinking" but when I was a teen I assumed it was due to the drugs. He seemed very intense, very sincere. Then the right half of my body went totally numb. I could not feel nor move my right arm, leg, or even that side of my mouth. I was scared. He told me to smoke more, I did not. He said it would help and I said I was plenty high and would have to be sober enough to drive before it got too late anyway so I could not. I then said that my parents were super strict and since it was their van if i did not return it at some arbitrary time they could call the police. That was not true but I was scared. Not to get too personal, but I know the feeling of victim scared from childhood and it was that type of fear - remember I was half paralyzed too. He said he would drive the van .. somewhere - I honestly do not remember the rest of this night. Needless to say at some point I got home safe. I know he did drive the van somewhere where I sobered up and drove home. I am certain I did not leave the van at any time. Other than that I don't remember anything else.
Shortly after this he moved away. He got a girl pregnant and moved again and again and again and recently through some cyber-stalking I see that he is in California now.

I could go on and on about this report but I have gone on and on already. If anyone would like to discuss more I can and will.
submitted by devoted101 to UnresolvedMysteries [link] [comments]


2020.01.14 10:20 subreddit_stats Subreddit Stats: wikipedia posts from 2019-11-01 to 2020-01-13 07:06 PDT

Period: 72.40 days
Submissions Comments
Total 917 5432
Rate (per day) 12.67 74.08
Unique Redditors 365 2607
Combined Score 86807 50799

Top Submitters' Top Submissions

  1. 21590 points, 35 submissions: Tokyono
    1. When Alexander the Great’s dearest friend Hephaestion died, Alexander threw him a lavish funeral worth around £1,500,000,000. He also had a 60-metre-high pyre commissioned, with 7 layers of golden objects. Hephaestion was also worshipped as a divine hero. Shrines were erected in his memory. (1601 points, 128 comments)
    2. Miki Endo, a Japanese emergency worker who gave her life during the 2011 Tohoku earthquake and tsunami, by continuing to broadcast warnings and alerts over the community loudspeaker as the tsunami overwhelmed the town of Minamisanriku. She was credited with saving many lives. (1540 points, 12 comments)
    3. During the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake, a 10-year-old girl named Tilly Smith helped save lives by recognising the signs of an oncoming tsunami at a beach. 2 weeks earlier, she had learned about them in a geography lesson. The beach was one of few on Phuket with no reported casualties (1400 points, 34 comments)
    4. In 1890, two lawyers wrote an article titled “The Right to Privacy". It is regarded as the first publication in the USA that advocated a right to privacy. It describes the right as the "right to be let alone".) (1127 points, 50 comments)
    5. Karl P. Schmidt, a herpetologist who documented his own death after he was bitten by a juvenile boomslang snake. He made detailed notes on the symptoms he experienced, almost right up to the end. He died 24 hours after the bite, bleeding in his lungs, kidneys, heart, and brain. (1100 points, 21 comments)
    6. The Inca Road system was at least 40,000 kilometres (25,000 mi) long. The roads were carefully planned and maintained. They were paved where necessary, had stairways, bridges and constructions such as retaining walls and a drainage system. Only 25% of the system remains visible today. (1100 points, 43 comments)
    7. When the HMS Guardian was struck by an iceberg in 1789, its captain decided to remain on board with 62 people. 259 left in boats. However, the captain was able to save the ship and sail back to land. It took 9 weeks, but everyone on the ship made it. Of the 259 that had left, only 15 survived.) (1095 points, 21 comments)
    8. The Hays code had a rule only allowing kissing to go on for 3 seconds in movies. Alfred Hitchcock got around this rule for his 1946 film, Notorious, by two actors break off every three seconds. The whole sequence lasts two and a half minutes. (1042 points, 20 comments)
    9. In 1687, the Parthenon in Athens exploded when it was hit by a Venetian mortar round. The building was being used by the Ottoman Turks to store gunpowder, and the round blew it up. One account says the Turks did not expect the Venetians to target such a historic monument. 300 people died. (992 points, 28 comments)
    10. Pedro Rodrigues Filho, a Brazilian serial killer who killed other criminals. He even killed his father, as payback for him having murdered his mother. After 34 years in jail, he was released. He was imprisoned again, but is now a youtuber who advises young people away from crime. (967 points, 37 comments)
  2. 5265 points, 13 submissions: blue_strat
    1. Christian socialism based on the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth identifies the cause of inequality now to be greed associated with capitalism. The 4th-Century bishop Basil of Caesarea wrote a sermon called The Rich Fool in which he asked, "Who is the covetous man? One for whom plenty is not enough." (1215 points, 321 comments)
    2. The Gospel of Wealth is an 1889 article by the industrialist Andrew Carnegie which urges philanthropy by the new upper class of self-made rich. He argues against wasteful extravagance or self-indulgence, encourages reducing inequality between the rich and poor, and praises high inheritance taxes. (1157 points, 64 comments)
    3. Israel Shahak (1933–2001) was an Israeli professor of organic chemistry, Holocaust survivor, and civil rights activist. His public support for a secular state, criticism of Jewish fundamentalism and reporting on the persecution of non-Jewish people by the Israeli government earned him death threats. (1017 points, 11 comments)
    4. "Three men make a tiger" (Chinese: 三人成虎; pinyin: sān rén chéng hǔ) is a Chinese proverb or chengyu (four-character idiom). It refers to an individual's tendency to accept absurd information as long as it is repeated by enough people. (785 points, 21 comments)
    5. Wellington R. Burt (1831–1919) was a lumber baron and politician from Saginaw, Michigan. His will specified to wait 21 years after his children and grandchildren were dead, beyond small annuities he also paid to staff. After the 1989 death of his last grandchild, 12 descendants shared $100 million. (571 points, 30 comments)
    6. The Reichskonkordat is a treaty negotiated between the Vatican and the emergent Nazi Germany, signed on 20 July 1933. It's been described by some as a Roman Catholic attempt to give moral legitimacy to the Nazi regime, though Nazi breaches of the agreement began almost as soon as it had been signed. (312 points, 42 comments)
    7. Robert Skidelsky (b. 1939) is a British economic historian and author of a three-part biography of J.M. Keynes. First a Labour Party member, he co-founded the Social Democratic Party, sat in the House of Lords as a Conservative then a cross-bencher, and endorsed Jeremy Corbyn for leader of Labour. (97 points, 2 comments)
    8. The Hanseatic League was a confederation of merchant guilds and market towns in northwestern and central Europe. From a few north German towns in the late 1100s to dominating Baltic maritime trade for 300 years, its trading routes stretched from England to Russia; the busiest from London to Hamburg. (35 points, 3 comments)
    9. Sit-in street protests called the Umbrella Revolution (雨傘革命) occurred in Hong Kong from September to December 2014, in reaction to a decision which allowed the Chinese Communist Party to pre-screen candidates for the Chief Executive of Hong Kong. Genuine universal suffrage had been promised in law. (26 points, 0 comments)
    10. List of the oldest known surviving free-standing buildings, before and including the Colosseum of Rome in 70–80 CE. The oldest three are in France and date from 4850–4500 BCE. (19 points, 1 comment)
  3. 3631 points, 18 submissions: Rollakud
    1. René Descartes was a French philosopher, mathematician, and scientist. One of the most notable intellectual figures of the Dutch Golden Age, Descartes is also widely regarded as one of the founders of modern philosophy. (727 points, 54 comments)
    2. Byron Looper was a Republican politician. In order to advance his political career, he legally changed his middle name from "Anthony" to "Low Tax". After being convicted for the October 1998 murder of his election opponent, incumbent Senator Tommy Burks, he was given a life sentence in prison. (672 points, 16 comments)
    3. Ros Serey Sothea was a Cambodian singer. She sang in a variety of genres; romantic ballads emerged as her most popular works. She disappeared during the Khmer Rouge regime of the late 1970s but the circumstances of her fate remain a mystery. (601 points, 27 comments)
    4. Jodi Huisentruit was a television news anchor for KIMT, based in Mason City, Iowa, in the United States. She went missing in the early morning hours of June 27, 1995, soon after telling a colleague that she was on her way to work. (518 points, 21 comments)
    5. Edward Low was a notorious English pirate during the latter days of the Golden Age of Piracy, in the early 18th century. The New York Times called him a torturer, whose methods would have "done credit to the ingenuity of the Spanish Inquisition in its darkest days". (487 points, 6 comments)
    6. Location hypotheses of Atlantis are various proposed real-world settings for the fictional island of Atlantis, described as a lost civilization mentioned in Plato's dialogues Timaeus and Critias, written about 360 B.C. (400 points, 27 comments)
    7. Luke Short was an American Old West gunfighter, cowboy, U.S. Army scout, dispatch rider, gambler, boxing promoter and saloon owner. He survived numerous gunfights, the most famous of which were against Charlie Storms in Tombstone, Arizona Territory and against Jim Courtright in Fort Worth, Texas. (67 points, 1 comment)
    8. Daisy and Violet Hilton were English entertainers, who were conjoined twins. They were exhibited in Europe as children, and toured the United States sideshow, vaudeville and American burlesque circuits in the 1920s and 1930s. (63 points, 4 comments)
    9. John Singer Sargent was an American expatriate artist, considered the "leading portrait painter of his generation" for his evocations of Edwardian-era luxury. He created roughly 900 oil paintings and more than 2,000 watercolors, as well as countless sketches and charcoal drawings. (16 points, 1 comment)
    10. Sharon Rina Lopatka was an Internet entrepreneur in Hampstead, Maryland, United States, who was killed in a case of apparent consensual homicide. (15 points, 1 comment)
  4. 2664 points, 8 submissions: nsfwdreamer
    1. The Burj Khalifa cost only $US 1.5 billion because workers were only paid around 5 pounds per day. (1185 points, 75 comments)
    2. "In 2002, Bembenek either fell or jumped from a second-story window, breaking her leg so badly that it had to be amputated below the knee.[38] Bembenek claimed that she had been confined in an apartment by handlers for the Dr. Phil television show and was injured while attempting to escape." (498 points, 6 comments)
    3. "Heidnik was one of six real-life murderers upon whom author Thomas Harris based Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb, the villain of his 1988 novel The Silence of the Lambs.[26][27]" (334 points, 15 comments)
    4. "After the original natural grass playing surface died, the Astrodome became the first major sports venue to install artificial turf, which became known as AstroTurf." (246 points, 2 comments)
    5. ""Come Together" started as Lennon's attempt to write a song for Timothy Leary's campaign for governor of California against Ronald Reagan, which promptly ended when Leary was sent to prison for possession of marijuana:[5]" (213 points, 6 comments)
    6. "Originally titled "Brown-Skinned Girl",[11] Morrison changed it to "Brown Eyed Girl" when he recorded it. Morrison remarked on the title change: "That was just a mistake. It was a kind of Jamaican song. Calypso. It just slipped my mind [that] I changed the title."[12]" (98 points, 5 comments)
    7. "Franklin, according to his later account, used a Ruger .44 caliber semi-automatic rifle[16] to ambush Hustler publisher Larry Flynt in Lawrenceville, Georgia. In his confession, Franklin said this was in retaliation for an edition of Hustler displaying interracial sex.[7]" (63 points, 0 comments)
    8. "OneCoin is a Ponzi scheme[1][2] promoted as a cryptocoin with a private blockchain, by offshore companies OneCoin Ltd (Dubai) and OneLife Network Ltd (Belize), both founded by Ruja Ignatova in concert with Sebastian Greenwood.[3]" (27 points, 1 comment)
  5. 2386 points, 21 submissions: slinkslowdown
    1. Metamathematics is the study of mathematics itself using mathematical methods. This study produces metatheories, which are mathematical theories about other mathematical theories. (712 points, 47 comments)
    2. On December 6, 1989, Marc Lépine entered a mechanical engineering class at the École Polytechnique. He stated that he was "fighting feminism" and shot the women. Lépine then moved through corridors, the cafeteria, and another classroom, targeting women for 20 minutes before killing himself. (603 points, 77 comments)
    3. Aphantasia is a condition where one does not possess a functioning mind's eye and cannot voluntarily visualize imagery. (518 points, 84 comments)
    4. Cats and the Internet: Images and videos of domestic cats make up some of the most viewed content on the web, particularly image macros in the form of lolcats. ThoughtCatalog has described cats as the "unofficial mascot of the Internet". (214 points, 4 comments)
    5. List of last words: ""Ow, fuck!" Roald Dahl "I have not told half of what I saw." Maco Polo "I am mortally wounded … I think." Stephen Decatur (132 points, 6 comments)
    6. Voyager 1 is expected to reach the theorized Oort cloud in about 300 years. In about 40,000 years, it will pass within 1.6 light-years of the star Gliese 445, which is at present in the constellation Camelopardalis. (41 points, 3 comments)
    7. The 1927 Liberian general election: The elections were referred to as "the most rigged ever". Despite there being fewer than 15,000 registered voters, one candidate received around 243,000 votes. (37 points, 2 comments)
    8. Christine Chubbuck was an American television news reporter and the first person to commit suicide on a live television broadcast. A week before her suicide, she told Rob Smith, the night news editor, that she had bought a gun and joked about killing herself on air. (28 points, 2 comments)
    9. A cancer syndrome is a genetic disorder in which inherited genetic mutations predispose the affected individuals to the development of cancers and may also cause the early onset of these cancers. (21 points, 0 comments)
    10. The egg and wine diet is a fad diet that advocated the consumption of 3-5 eggs per day plus a 24-oz bottle of wine. (15 points, 4 comments)
  6. 2028 points, 20 submissions: Pupikal
    1. There have been several cases of exploding whales, both from gas buildup and actual explosives. Oregon used 20 cases of dynamite to dispose of a whale, showering a great area with blubber. In Taiwan, a carcass being transported spontaneously combusted, spraying whale across storefronts and people. (735 points, 17 comments)
    2. Bazooka (instrument): The bazooka is a brass musical instrument several feet in length which incorporates telescopic tubing like the trombone. It is an extension of the word "bazoo," slang for "mouth" or "boastful talk." The anti-tank weapon got its name from its resemblance to the instrument. (506 points, 14 comments)
    3. The Public Universal Friend was an American preacher born in Cumberland, Rhode Island. The Friend suffered a severe illness in 1776 and reported having died and been reanimated as a genderless evangelist named the Public Universal Friend, and afterward shunned both birth name and gendered pronouns. (413 points, 20 comments)
    4. Ytterby, Sweden: Ytterby is perhaps most famous for being the single richest source of elemental discoveries in the world; the chemical elements yttrium (Y), ytterbium (Yb), erbium (Er) and terbium (Tb) are all named after Ytterby. (142 points, 8 comments)
    5. Stephen Hopkins, Governor of Rhode Island and a founding father of the United States: He signed the Declaration of Independence in the summer of 1776 with worsening palsy in his hands. He signed it by holding his right hand with his left and saying, "My hand trembles, but my heart does not." (68 points, 0 comments)
    6. The origin of the Basques is a controversial topic that has given rise to numerous hypotheses. Modern Basque, is the only Pre-Indo-European language that is extant in western Europe. The Basques have therefore long been supposed to be a remnant of a pre-Indo-European population of Europe. (28 points, 0 comments)
    7. A distributary, or a distributary channel, is a stream that branches off and flows away from a main stream channel. Distributaries are a common feature of river deltas. The phenomenon is known as river bifurcation. The opposite of a distributary is a tributary. (27 points, 0 comments)
    8. Hessian (soldier): Although characterized in America as mercenaries during the American Revolution, Hessians were distinguished by jurists at the time as auxiliaries serving their prince sent to the aid of another prince, while mercenaries served a foreign prince as individuals.) (24 points, 0 comments)
    9. War Is a Racket is a speech & 1935 short book, by Smedley D. Butler, a retired United States Marine Corps Major General and two-time Medal of Honor recipient. Based on his career military experience, Butler discusses how business interests commercially benefit, such as war profiteering from warfare. (19 points, 1 comment)
    10. Operation London Bridge: Codename for the plan for what will happen in the days after the death of Queen Elizabeth II. The plan was originally devised in the 1960s and is updated several times each year. (9 points, 0 comments)
  7. 1981 points, 9 submissions: bdog556
    1. Armin T. Wegner was a German human rights activist who documented the Armenian Genocide through photographs and publicly voiced his opposition to the anti-Semitic policies of the Nazis. (741 points, 3 comments)
    2. "Ratlines" were a system of escape routes for Nazis and other fascists fleeing Europe in the aftermath of World War II.) (649 points, 36 comments)
    3. Erich Mielke- German who killed two Berlin police officers, fled to the Soviet Union, joined the NKVD, participated in the Great Purge, then retured to Soviet occupied Germany, serving as the head of the Stasi secret police for 32 years. (536 points, 9 comments)
    4. Estimates of the number of dead due to Japanese war crimes during World War II range from 3-24 million (13 points, 0 comments)
    5. During the famine, about one million people died and a million more emigrated from Ireland, causing the island's population to fall by between 20% and 25%.?wprov=sfti1) (12 points, 10 comments)
    6. Franklin Roosevelt’s Second Bill of Rights (10 points, 0 comments)
    7. Excessive mortality in the Soviet Union under Joseph Stalin (8 points, 0 comments)
    8. Babi Yar is a ravine in the Ukrainian city of Kiev. It was the sight of a German led massacre in 1941 that killed over 33,000 Jews in 2 days. (7 points, 1 comment)
    9. P. G. T. Beauregard- Confederate general, railroad executive, and advocate for black civil rights (5 points, 0 comments)
  8. 1936 points, 8 submissions: Boardallday
    1. The Moscow theater hostage crisis, where 40 to 50 Chechens armed with guns and large explosives seized a crowded theater, taking 850 hostages. It ended when the Russians pumped a strong fentanyl derivative into the room, causing the deaths of 170 people. (754 points, 33 comments)
    2. Louis Slotin was a Manhattan Project scientist. He took dangerous risks like diving into the operating Clinton Pile to repair a sensor. His colleague was killed doing a risky experiment on a bomb core. A year later, Slotin was killed doing the same type of experiment, when his screwdriver slipped. (688 points, 41 comments)
    3. The ARGUS-IS is a persistent surveillance system that tracks every moving object within a 15 sq mile area using drones and blimps with a 1.8 Gigapixel video system. It allows investigators to rewind it and track movements. They hover for months undetected and produce 1.8 exabytes of HD video a day. (233 points, 29 comments)
    4. Crush, Texas, was a temporary "city" set up for a one day publicity event in 1896 where two steam locomotives were crashed into each other. 40,000 people attended. They exploded, the crowd panicked, and debris came down among the spectators, killing two and seriously injuring at least six others. (217 points, 11 comments)
    5. Choanocyte cells line the interior of sea sponges, they create the water flow through the sponge. Sponges were one of the first large multicellular organisms, and these cells closely resemble the single cell protist the Choanoflagellate, the closest related protists to the animal kingdom. (14 points, 1 comment)
    6. Nuclear and radiation accidents and incidents. Descriptions and links to articles of hundreds of serious accidents and incidents involving nuclear technology and radiation. (14 points, 1 comment)
    7. A whale fall is when the carcass of a cetacean falls to the deep ocean floor. They provide sustenance for decades and form complex mini ecosystems which harbor chemosynthetic animals and bacteria. (10 points, 1 comment)
    8. Art of the Upper Paleolithic (40,000 - 35,000 years ago) (6 points, 0 comments)
  9. 1834 points, 5 submissions: sdsanth
    1. Ken Warby who dreamed of breaking the world speed record since child hood, built his record-breaking boat, Spirit of Australia in his backyard with wood and jet engines bought for just $69 and Broke water speed record in 1978 by reaching 511.1 kmph.The record still stands. (696 points, 15 comments)
    2. The Dionne quintuplets are the first quintuplets known to survive the infancy.They were seperated from the parents and placed on display multiple times a day at Quintland.They became Ontario's biggest tourist attraction of the era, surpassing the Canadian side of Niagara Falls (539 points, 17 comments)
    3. Max Planck was advised by a professor not to go into physics, saying, "in this field, almost everything is already discovered" Planck replied that he didn't wish to discover new things, only to understand the fundamentals of Physics.Plank won the Nobel Prize in Physics for discovering energy quanta. (474 points, 6 comments)
    4. Hippopotamuses produce "sweat" made of two pigments. the "red pigment" contains an antibiotic, while "the orange" absorbs UV rays. So the two pigments work together to protect the African mammals from both bacterial infections and sun damage. It also explains the misconception that they sweat blood. (97 points, 3 comments)
    5. Wikipedia references now include book previews hosted by the Internet Archive (28 points, 0 comments)
  10. 1820 points, 27 submissions: casapulapula
    1. The overthrow of the Hawaiian Kingdom began on January 17, 1893, with a coup d'état against Queen Liliʻuokalani. The revolutionaries established the Republic of Hawaii, but their ultimate goal was the annexation of the islands to the United States, which occurred in 1898. (587 points, 52 comments)
    2. The gympie gympie of Australia is the most toxic of the Australian species of stinging trees. The sting is famously agonizing and can last for months or years. (583 points, 43 comments)
    3. The El Mozote Massacre took place in and around the village of El Mozote, in Morazán department, El Salvador, on December 11, 1981 when the US-backed Salvadoran Army killed more than 800 civilians (319 points, 15 comments)
    4. The bony-eared assfish holds the record for the smallest brain-to-body weight ratio of all vertebrates. (62 points, 11 comments)
    5. An animal glue is an adhesive that is created by prolonged boiling of animal connective tissue. Stereotypically, the animal in question is a horse, and horses that are put down are often said to have been "sent to the glue factory". However, other animals are also used, including rabbits and fish. (52 points, 6 comments)
    6. German East Africa included present-day Burundi, Rwanda, and the mainland part of Tanzania. The colony was organised when the German military in the 1880s put down a revolt against the activities of the German East Africa Company. It ended with Imperial Germany's defeat in World War I. (27 points, 0 comments)
    7. The Blue Ridge Mountains are noted for having a bluish color when seen from a distance. Trees put the "blue" in Blue Ridge, from the isoprene released into the atmosphere, thereby contributing to the characteristic haze on the mountains and their distinctive color. (27 points, 2 comments)
    8. Involvement of the United States in regime change in Latin America most commonly involved US backed Coup 'd' etats aimed at replacing left-wing leaders with right-wing, usually military and authoritarian regimes. (24 points, 0 comments)
    9. Secretary of Defense Mark Esper was vice president of government relations at Raytheon, a major U.S. defense contractor. During his time at Raytheon, Esper was recognized as a top corporate lobbyist by The Hill in 2015 and 2016. (18 points, 1 comment)
    10. The Great Pacific garbage patch is a gyre of marine debris particles in the north central Pacific Ocean. Despite the common public perception of the patch existing as giant islands of floating rubbish, its low density prevents detection by satellite imagery, or even by casual boaters or divers. (18 points, 0 comments)

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  15. i_eat_babies666 (282 points, 6 comments)
  16. softinseattle (282 points, 2 comments)
  17. De_Stekke (280 points, 2 comments)
  18. stergro (274 points, 5 comments)
  19. AlGeee (272 points, 33 comments)
  20. Papacoolie (267 points, 23 comments)
  21. Slapbox (256 points, 11 comments)
  22. RobertAPetersen (256 points, 10 comments)
  23. InksPenandPaper (246 points, 4 comments)
  24. DirtyDanTheManlyMan (244 points, 2 comments)
  25. mjc500 (238 points, 1 comment)
  26. Boardallday (231 points, 12 comments)
  27. BillabobGO (230 points, 15 comments)
  28. BussySundae (228 points, 12 comments)
  29. verynormal400 (218 points, 3 comments)
  30. FartingBob (216 points, 11 comments)
  31. SlipSlamMammaJamma (216 points, 6 comments)
  32. widgettwidget (205 points, 4 comments)
  33. rohitbarar (205 points, 2 comments)
  34. BFreeFranklin (204 points, 2 comments)
  35. MaceotheDark (198 points, 2 comments)
  36. cooper12 (193 points, 42 comments)
  37. molluskus (193 points, 5 comments)
  38. shimieme (193 points, 1 comment)
  39. stuttgart_flugart (190 points, 16 comments)
  40. Llamaa3 (190 points, 4 comments)
  41. DSMalhotra (183 points, 1 comment)
  42. Titanosaurus (182 points, 4 comments)
  43. Direwolf202 (178 points, 7 comments)
  44. Firebrand777 (178 points, 2 comments)
  45. LSU_Tiger (177 points, 1 comment)
  46. against-cops (175 points, 20 comments)
  47. Dr_Winston_O_Boogie (174 points, 1 comment)
  48. thedailyrant (169 points, 20 comments)
  49. jayman419 (168 points, 3 comments)
  50. PrincessWinterX (163 points, 2 comments)

Top Submissions

  1. When Alexander the Great’s dearest friend Hephaestion died, Alexander threw him a lavish funeral worth around £1,500,000,000. He also had a 60-metre-high pyre commissioned, with 7 layers of golden objects. Hephaestion was also worshipped as a divine hero. Shrines were erected in his memory. by Tokyono (1601 points, 128 comments)
  2. Miki Endo, a Japanese emergency worker who gave her life during the 2011 Tohoku earthquake and tsunami, by continuing to broadcast warnings and alerts over the community loudspeaker as the tsunami overwhelmed the town of Minamisanriku. She was credited with saving many lives. by Tokyono (1540 points, 12 comments)
  3. During the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake, a 10-year-old girl named Tilly Smith helped save lives by recognising the signs of an oncoming tsunami at a beach. 2 weeks earlier, she had learned about them in a geography lesson. The beach was one of few on Phuket with no reported casualties by Tokyono (1400 points, 34 comments)
  4. Christian socialism based on the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth identifies the cause of inequality now to be greed associated with capitalism. The 4th-Century bishop Basil of Caesarea wrote a sermon called The Rich Fool in which he asked, "Who is the covetous man? One for whom plenty is not enough." by blue_strat (1215 points, 321 comments)
  5. Impeachment of Donald Trump by thestickystickman (1212 points, 155 comments)
  6. The Burj Khalifa cost only $US 1.5 billion because workers were only paid around 5 pounds per day. by nsfwdreamer (1185 points, 75 comments)
  7. The Gospel of Wealth is an 1889 article by the industrialist Andrew Carnegie which urges philanthropy by the new upper class of self-made rich. He argues against wasteful extravagance or self-indulgence, encourages reducing inequality between the rich and poor, and praises high inheritance taxes. by blue_strat (1157 points, 64 comments)
  8. In 1890, two lawyers wrote an article titled “The Right to Privacy". It is regarded as the first publication in the USA that advocated a right to privacy. It describes the right as the "right to be let alone".) by Tokyono (1127 points, 50 comments)
  9. The Inca Road system was at least 40,000 kilometres (25,000 mi) long. The roads were carefully planned and maintained. They were paved where necessary, had stairways, bridges and constructions such as retaining walls and a drainage system. Only 25% of the system remains visible today. by Tokyono (1100 points, 43 comments)
  10. Karl P. Schmidt, a herpetologist who documented his own death after he was bitten by a juvenile boomslang snake. He made detailed notes on the symptoms he experienced, almost right up to the end. He died 24 hours after the bite, bleeding in his lungs, kidneys, heart, and brain. by Tokyono (1100 points, 21 comments)

Top Comments

  1. 627 points: RubberDuckKeychains's comment in The Burj Khalifa cost only $US 1.5 billion because workers were only paid around 5 pounds per day.
  2. 455 points: agent_bitchpudding's comment in When Alexander the Great’s dearest friend Hephaestion died, Alexander threw him a lavish funeral worth around £1,500,000,000. He also had a 60-metre-high pyre commissioned, with 7 layers of golden objects. Hephaestion was also worshipped as a divine hero. Shrines were erected in his memory.
  3. 387 points: cp5184's comment in I thought That the last wikipedia donation “event” (not sure what else to call it) was so successful That Wikipedia could last off the donations for 10+ years? Why are they asking again?
  4. 343 points: bttrflyr's comment in This Iranian man planned on flying to the UK to live with one of his parents. His luggage containing his citizenship paperwork was lost en route, and thus was not allowed to board his connecting flight. He spent 1988 to 2006 living in terminal 1 of Charles de Gaulle airport in France.
  5. 297 points: elven_mage's comment in CTVT, a a transmissible dog cancer tumor from a dog that died 6,000 years, but the tumor is still around today, making the original dog virtually immortal
  6. 294 points: Kayvanian's comment in I thought That the last wikipedia donation “event” (not sure what else to call it) was so successful That Wikipedia could last off the donations for 10+ years? Why are they asking again?
  7. 289 points: 1regit's comment in Wikipedia releases its image compilation of the most defining moments of the 2010s.
  8. 283 points: shponglespore's comment in I genuinely feel bad for literally not even having $2.75 to my name to donate at the moment...
  9. 269 points: De_Stekke's comment in I genuinely feel bad for literally not even having $2.75 to my name to donate at the moment...
  10. 260 points: softinseattle's comment in Female scientists' pages keep disappearing from Wikipedia- what's going on?
Generated with BBoe's Subreddit Stats
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2020.01.02 11:30 TrumpSupportersRisis A short list of Republicans that are convicted and accused of sexual assault and pedophilia.

No surprise a sub that loves to hate pedos downvoting based on partisan beliefs , #SAD!!!
Here is a SHORT list of Republicans accused and or convicted of sex crimes /domestic crimes against children and adults.
I encourage anyone out there to do their own list on democrats
Off the top of my head I can only think of Wiener
Lets dive into it with the head honcho himself
Donald Trump is accused of sexual assault by multiple women. His wife said he raped her before she decided to describe it differently [He is accused of raping a 13-year-old girl with Jeffrey Epstein](https://radaronline.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/jeffrey-epstein-lawsuit-docs-signed.pdf) and walking in on teens in the Miss Teen USA pageant. [He bragged of walking in on naked women at pageants](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-former-miss-arizona-tasha-dixon-naked-undressed-backstage-howard-stern-a7357866.html) and of course, of grabbing women “by the pussy.” Judge Roy Moore is accused of sexual assault and dating underage women. Rep Jim Jordan is seeking to step into Speaker Ryan’s shoes even though he is accused of ignoring sexual assault of young men while a coach, dismissing it as locker room talk Former Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert convicted of sex abuse Former Cobb County COP Chairman Joseph Russell Dendy - child molesting So-called "pro-life"/ antigay activist Howard Scott Heldreth was convicted of raping a child GOP Richland County Commissioner David F. Swartz convicted of sexually abusing a girl from age 6 upwards - released after only 8 years!!!! Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to molesting his 10-year-old daughter. Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor. Republican Speaker of the House in Puerto Rico Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter between the ages of 9 and 17. Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls. Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl. Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child. She was underage. It was rape. Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile. Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl. Republican Congressman Donald "Buz" Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail. ONE MONTH!!!!! Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos. Republican of the Year Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children. Keep reading, it’s half-way down the page. Republican state senator Ralph Shortey from Oklahoma admitted to being involved in sodomy with a 17 year old male prostitute and transporting child pornography. He was sentenced to 15 years. Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child. Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a page. To be fair, Dem Congressman was Gerry Studds was also caught for the same thing. The Congressional Page scandal. Republican Congressman Mark Foley abruptly resigned from Congress after "sexually explicit" emails surfaced showing him flirting with a 16-year old boy. GOP Congressman Jim Kolbe - suspected of being too “close” to underage pages. Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his stepdaughter. Republican congressman and anti-gay activist *Robert Bauman** was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar. 26 Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped and notice, they agreed his record could be expunged in THREE YEARS! 27 Republican legislative aide *Howard L. Brooks** was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography. 28 Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old babysitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media. 29 Republican preacher *Stephen White**, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced to jail after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him. 30 Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl. 31 Republican anti-gay activist Earl "Butch" Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her. 32 Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison. 33 Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl. 34 Republican politician *Andrew Buhr** was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy. 35 Republican politician Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16. He committed suicide 36 Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was charged with sexual misconduct involving a 15-year old girl. 37 Republican County Councilman *Keola Childs** pleaded guilty to molesting a male child. 38 Republican activist, McCain office manager Jeffrey Claude Bartleson, was arrested for molesting the child of a campaign volunteer. 39 NYC councilman, Republican-Queens, Dennis Gallagher - rape 40 Republican Mayoral Candidate and pastor - Rambler was accused of having sex with an underage boy and was convicted of soliciting explicit photos from a swingers' group & using the pics to extort money 41 Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15-year-old girl and served 6-months in prison. 42 Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000. 43 GOP Sen aide Ryan Loskarn committed suicide after child porn arrest 44 Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession. 45 Faith and Family Alliance director, Republican strategist, and lobbyist Robin Vanderwall was convicted in of five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet. It's at the end or article, after all his illegal lobbying schemes https://t.co/gVbGFfAtZe 46 Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter 47 Republican director of the "Young Republican Federation" Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison 48 Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr. rape. Dasen has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women 49 Republican Judge and campaign official Tim Nolan for President Donald Trump indicted for human trafficking and forcing a minors (9) to engage in sexual activity 50 Republican County Board Candidate Brent Schepp was charged with molesting a 14-year old girl. 
51 Randall Casseday, HR Director for right-wing Washington Times - caught in an underage sex sting - "The Washington Times is the only newspaper where the moral issues of family and faith are proudly reported on the front page on a regular basis"
52 Republican chairman of the Oregon Christian Coalition Lou Beres confessed to molesting a 13-year old girl
53 Republican County Constable Larry Dale Floyd was arrested on suspicion of soliciting sex with an 8-year old girl. Authorities say Floyd also was interested in a 3-year-old girl and 16-month-old boy.
54 Republican Party leader Bobby Stumbo was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy, in other words, rape.
55 Republican petition drive manager Tom Randall pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 14, one of them the daughter of an associate in the petition business.
56 Republican County Chairman Armando Tebano was arrested for sexually molesting a 14-year-old girl.
57 Republican teacher and former city councilman John Collins pled guilty to sexually molesting 13 and 14-year-old girls.
58 Republican campaign worker Mark Seidensticker was found guilty of offering alcohol and cigarettes to a 14-year-old boy. Authorities accused him of having offered beer and cigarettes to a boy while driving a car with a trunk stocked with blankets, duct tape, rope, and a lubricant. Seidensticker worked on NH Republican state executive councilor Burton campaigns for more than a decade. Burton knew he was convicted of assault when he hired him.
59 Republican Mayor Tom Adams was arrested for distributing child pornography over the internet.
60 Republican Mayor John Gosek was arrested on charges of soliciting sex from two 15-year old girls.
61 Republican Committeeman John R. Curtin was charged with molesting a teenage boy and unlawful sexual contact with a minor
62 Republican zoning supervisor, Boy Scout leader, Lutheran church president, and BTK killer Dennis L. Rader pleaded guilty to performing a sexual act on an 11-year old girl he murdered.
63 GOP ad consultant Carey Lee Cramer who created an anti-Gore ad modeled on LBJ's "Daisy" ad convicted of sexual assault of 2 8-year-old girls, including his daughter who appeared in the ad.
64 Republican Lobbyist Craig Spence - running call-boy prostitution ring, killed himself. While I am not posting people arrested for soliciting a prostitute, someone who runs a prostitution ring is a whole different kettle of fish.
65 Republican Judge Ronald C. Kline was placed under house arrest for child molestation and possession of child pornography
66 GOP state Rep Jim Knoblach of St. Cloud, MN ended his re-election campaign Friday amid detailed accusations from his adult daughter of what she described as his inappropriate behavior toward her since childhood
67 Steve Aiken(82), campaign manager for a Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, former Quakertown, PA, police officer, and self-proclaimed reverend, was convicted of having sex with two underage girls
68 Republican president of the New York City Housing Development Corp. Russell Harding pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer
69 Republican state representative Bob Allen charged with soliciting oral sex from a male undercover cop. Normally, I would ignore a gay man being arrested for being gay, but he claimed Fear of Black men made him do it
70 Republican prosecutor John David Roy Atchison arrested on charges of flying across the country to try and have sex with a five-year-old girl. Committed suicide.
71 Republican chairman & radio show host E Ozwald Balfour arrested on four counts of forcible sex abuse/groping
72 Clifton Bennett, 18, son of Arizona Republican state senator Ken Bennett plead guilty to assaulting 3 boys, aged 11-15 with broomsticks up their rectal areas. They sodomized 18 boys and were not charged with sexual assault
73 Republican preacher Hewart Lee Bennett arrested for soliciting sex from 16-year-old boys while claiming that he did so to gain their trust and then teach them the love of Jesus
74 Republican commission candidate Wilton Frederick Bland sentenced to 80 years in prison for various sex crimes including 45 counts of first-degree rape of an 11-year-old
75 Republican councilman John Bryan resigned from office and committed suicide several hours later, just a few minutes before police arrived at his home to question him about his alleged rape of his two adoptive daughters, ages 12 and 15
76 Garrett Ventry-Judiciary Committee communications aide coordinating GOP messaging on Christine Blasey Ford’s allegation forced to resign due to sexual harassment claims. He denies them 77 Republican staffer and long-term director of financial operations for Seattle Republicans Larry Corrigan pleaded guilty for attempted rape of a 13-year-old girl 78 Republican talk show host Scott Eller Cortelyou plead guilty on charges of using the Internet to try and lure a child into a sexual relationship with him 79 Republican constable Joshua Dickens sentenced to five years in prison for torture-related activities against a young woman. 80 Republican spokesman Brian Doyle arrested for trying to seduce a 14-year-old girl over the Internet. He was later sentenced to 5 years in prison 81 Republican campaign official and former Romney staffer Matthew Joseph Elliott convicted of sexual exploitation of a child Got a great deal, but really went astray, ending up murdering a child. 82 Republican party chair Donald Fleischman was charged with two counts of child enticement and one count of exposing himself to a child 83 Republican Michael Flory, former head of the Michigan Young American Foundation, raped a colleague at convention 84 Richard Gardner, a Nevada State Representative (R), admitted to molesting his two daughters and 34% of voters still voted for him. That 7 over the Keyes Constant! 85 George Roche III resigned as president of conservative Hillsdale College in Michigan after accusations of a quasi-incestuous relationship with his daughter-in-law, Lissa. This is an exception to my no adultery rule because yuck, his daughter-in-law. How could he do that to his son? 86 Bishop Paprocki is not a sexual predator, but he protects them. He protected and enabled pedophile priests. He engages in partisanship to order Democratic politicians be denied communion by all priests in his diocese, including Dick Durbin 87 Republican high-level Bush appointee Dr. David Hager sodomized his wife while she slept. She divorced him for it. 88 Republican sheriff Don Haidl used his office to try to smear the victim that was gang raped. The main perpetrator was Haidl’s son, who poisoned the victim. Sheriff Haidl claims that the girl deserved it because she was a "slut." The original story I linked is now 404, but here is another one. 89 Republican activist Neal Horsley admits to having had sex with a mule. Horsley also wants all homosexuals arrested and solicited murders of abortion providers on his Nuremberg files site. 90 Conservative Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston covered up thousands of instances of sexual molestation by fellow conservative members of the clergy. 91 Republican congressman Joseph McDade charged with exposing his genitalia to two women on a public beach 92 Republican delegate Robert McKee resigns after police seized two computers and videotapes from his home pertaining to child pornography 93 Republican blowhard TV personality Bill O’Reilly paid several million dollars to settle a sexual harassment suit with Andrea Mackris. 94 Republican mega-preacher Marshal Seymour arrested on charges of having sex with underage boys. Seymour had been jailed almost a decade earlier for similar charges in a different state 95 White supremacist National Vanguard leader Kevin Alfred Strom arrested and charged with child pornography 96 Daniel Dean Thompson founded a family-values film company that removed all the "bad parts" from films to make them family-friendly front for child porn, arrested for having sex with 14-year-old 97 Wharton prof & conservative consultant on media effects on children Lawrence Scott Ward had video of himself having sex with children. Sex tourist 98 Spokane Republican homophobic mayor Jim West recalled after evidence surfaced that he molested little boys 99 Focus on the Family's Steve Wilsey - molesting an 8-year-old boy 100 Republican Southern Baptist megachurch pastor Paul Williams faces charges of molesting his son 101 Chairman of the Young Republican National Federation, Glenn Murphy Jr., from Indiana was busted for assaulting another man. Not the first time it's happened. 102 Republican Township Supervisor Robert Holland pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a 92-year-old nursing home resident in 2006. He was given a two-to-four-year sentence. 103 Antigay pastor Leonard Ray Owens told a woman who had miscarriage she was possessed by a sex spirit and lesbian demon so he raped her. 104 GOP State Rep & House Minority Leader Galen Fox convicted of molesting a woman who was a flight with him from Honolulu to Los Angeles 105 Albert Andre Zimmerman, a GOP-appointed spokesperson for the State of Florida Department of Children and Families, producing child porn. See also The Wrong Voice 106 The Republican Mayor of Collins Missouri, and Pastor of the Temple Lot Church in Collins, Allen D. Kauffman caught in internet sting by an adult pretending to be 13 107 Dana Rorabacher's aide Jeffrey Nielson, sex with underage boys 108 SD State GOP Rep Ted Klaudt: rape, sexual exploitation of a minor, witness tampering, stalking. Five victims, three foster children who lived with Klaudt. 109 Elyria Ohio city councilman, Republican Joseph Monteleone Jr. was found guilty of fondling underage girls 110 GOP County Commissioner Patrick Lee McGuire child molestation 111 Republican Mayor Jeffrey Kyle Randall was sentenced nine months in jail and six years on probation on charges that he molested two boys 112 Republican Judge Donald Thompson from Oklahoma, was found guilty on four counts of indecent exposure after using a penis pump while presiding over court cases. 113 Ohio GOP Caucus lawyer Stephen Linne - "Naked Photographer" a moniker suggesting his snapping pics of women in the nude was harmless. It was not 114 OP Sheriff candidate Eddie Frankum indicted for sexual harassment and illegally detaining women while police chief. 115 GOP campaign volunteer and national convention delegate Ted Bundy - kidnapping, rape, murder 116 Gun activist Cody Williams - child sexual assault 117 Christian Television Network entertainer Ronald William Brown convicted for child porn, the rest is just too disturbing to go into 118 GOP state Senate aide Alan Berlin - internet child sex. I don't care about him being a furry. I know a few furries who are lovely people, including one of my nephews. They are not pedophiles and the headline is offensive. 119 Trump White House aide Rob Porter - domestic violence 120 Roger Ailes, Republican propagandist, sexual harassment 121 Jason Miller, Trump campaign staffer and Trump advocate on CNN - poisoned ex with abortion pill It's not the sex, it's not the desire for abortion, it's the doing it against her will 122 GOP megadonor Steve Wynn - sexual harassment 123 Former Republican Michael Cohen used threats and money to silence women and reporters who could expose sexual predator 124 GOP Sen Patrick Meehan - sexual harassment 125 GOP Congressman Blake Farenthold - sexual harassment 
127 KY GOP state legislator Dan Johnson accused of sexual assault of 17-year-old. Killed himself
128 OR GOP state senator, Jeff Kruse, subjected two women senators to unwanted sexual touching
129 Pennsylvania Republican state rep Nick Miccarelli - domestic violence
130 Republican CO state senator Randy Baumgardner - sexual harassment,
131 OH state representative, Republican Wes Goodman — inappropriate behavior
He was also accused of fondling an underage boy
132 MN state rep Tony Cornish - sexual harassment
133 AZ state rep Don Shooter - sexual harassment
134 FL state senator Jack Latvala - sexual harassment, assault
135 KY state rep Jeff Hoover — sexual harassment
136 Idaho GOP state rep Brandon Hixon - child molestation, committed suicide
137 Republican Ohio state senator Cliff Hite — sexual harassment
138 Cumberland County Commissioner Bruce Barclay is not included because he hired male and female prostitutes every week. He’s included because he taped them without their knowledge.
139 GOP Congressional candidate Derek Walker - broke into ex’s house to tape her having sex
140 Franklin Graham, partisan religious leader, uses his family name & father’s credibility to protect child molesters and sexual predators, including Trump, Roy Moore, and Kavanaugh
141 Republican Judge Alex Kozinski, Brett Kavanaugh’s mentor: sexual harassment
142 Trump Deputy Chief of Staff for Communication Bill Shine - an expert at protecting and covering up sexual harassment and abuse.
143 How did I forget GOP Sen. Bob Packwood - serial sexual misconduct
144 Republican Columbus Mayor Dana Rinehart was never indicted for molesting 13-year-old babysitter, but years later it was discovered cop spied on her and family and worked to protect him from an indictment
145 Samuel Barstow Kent Republican Judge - sexual assault. By the way, he thinks prison is unfair
146 MO Gov Eric Greitens - consensual affair, BUT he took nude photos and threatened to publicize them. Yes, charges dropped, but only because the prosecutor was also a witness which is not allowed. Also, stealing from charity
147 Montgomery Co GOP Chair Robert Kerns - rape pled to indecent sexual assault
148 Edison Misla Aldarondo, Republican Speaker of the House in Puerto Rico, rape of 17-year-old girl, molesting stepdaughter, plus corruption
149 Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas - sexual harassment. He lied to the Senate. Senate Judiciary did not allow other accusers to testify.
150 GOP Candidate for ME House, James Tracey, Jr.
indicted for rape in Rhode Island, stayed in the race, won the primary, lost general, pled no contest and got probation. These were taken from Newsbank, a subscription service through my library so the links would not work for many. I took screenshots of the articles.
151 Alabama RW religious leader - Ralph Lee Aaron - child molesting 152 NV Governor Jim Gibbons - accused of assaulting a woman, settled a civil suit 153 PA GOP Congressman Don Sherwood - not for having an affair, but for assaulting and choking the woman he had an affair with 154 Republican Judge Mark Fuller - domestic violence 155 GOP Rep Trent Franks - harassment of his office staff - to serve as a surrogate for him and his wife, this makes me feel sad, actually 156 GOP Congressional aide Matthew Pennell - child molesting plea deal to 2 or 17 charges 157 GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain - sexual harassment 158 Tennessee GOP state rep Scott DesJarlais - OK, these are consensual affairs, but with PATIENTS!!!! 159 GOP Rep John Schmitz - John Birch Society member had two families (one he did not support) - and obviously there was some sickness going on because one of his daughters is Mary Kay LeTourneau the child-raping teacher. 160 California GOP Rep Ernie Konnyu - sexual harassment 161 Styles Bridges - R-MA - This man was filth. He extorted Dem Sen Hunt of WY that he would reveal his son’s homosexuality unless Hunt resigned so the R’s could get his seat. Hunt refused, but then killed himself. This headline is from a citizen’s jury, not a real one 162 Joe McCarthy, R-WI, started the Lavender Scare, a purge of gays from government. Many other Republicans joined in. Technically not a crime, but surely an immoral act 163 Pastor Roy D. Bolden, Providence RI GOP Chair child molestation and sexual assault 164 Ron P Broussard, Jr of TRUMP UNIVERSITY - sex with 8-year-old 165 Republican state senate candidate Sherman Lee Criner - molesting a 6-year-old girl. Prosecutors used an unusual standard of enough evidence to convict rather than probable cause, possibly because he is a popular lawyer. NOT CLEARED, just not indicted 166 Wenatchee Republican Michael T McCourt molested children for 30 years behind a civic front as a utilities commissioner, political operative and community volunteer, Then asked judge for leniency because of all his community activism 167 Unsuccessful Republican candidate William C Mach - child molestation. Ironically, he ran on a campaign to fight child molestation and was endorsed by related organizations Dn61JpVUUAAh619.jpg-large.jpeg 168 Republican Sheriff Perry Grogan continued to campaign despite indictment for child molestation, probably because of disgraceful coverage like this in the screenshot. He was convicted. Dn65azvV4AEabLA.jpg-large.jpeg 169 Republican campaign consultant and Baptist pastor Kenneth Adkins - child molestation. By the way, he said Pulse victims got what they deserved. So should he. 170 GOP candidate for OH legislature James E. Dutschke = child molestation, also investigated for ricin letters to Obama 171 Brian O'Toole, Republican Sunnyvale mayor convicted of child molestation. See screenshot as the newspaper is on NewsBank, accessible with some library cards, but not for everyone. Dn69oLGUwAEfpET.jpg 172 Last month Indianapolis Republican City Councilman Jeff Miller resigned/plea deal for child molestion 173 While Douglas Marks was a teacher, he was probably able to abuse two generations of children because of his wealthy Republican family. His brother was Speaker of the House. 174 Vermont Republican state senator Norman McAllister who's one of the Legislature's most outspoken conservatives charged with sexual assault, human trafficking, and prohibited acts. Made a plea deal 
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2019.12.09 19:34 Donald_John-Trump A comprehensive list of the many Republican sex offenders.

Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile.
Republican County Constable Larry Dale Floyd was arrested on suspicion of soliciting sex with an 8-year old girl. Floyd has repeatedly won elections for Denton County, Texas, constable.
Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation.
Republican Party leader Bobby Stumbo was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy. Republican teacher and former city councilman John Collins pleaded guilty to sexually molesting 13 and 14 year old girls.
Republican campaign worker Mark Seidensticker is a convicted child molester.
Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.
Republican Mayor John Gosek was arrested on charges of soliciting sex from two 15-year old girls.
Republican County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.
Republican legislator Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter between the ages of 9 and 17.
Republican Committeeman John R. Curtain was charged with molesting a teenage boy and unlawful sexual contact with a minor.
Republican anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth is a convicted child rapist in Florida.
Republican zoning supervisor, Boy Scout leader and Lutheran church president Dennis L. Rader pleaded guilty to performing a sexual act on an 11-year old girl he murdered.
Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.
Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl. Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child.
Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.
Republican advertising consultant Carey Lee Cramer was charged with molesting his 9-year old step-daughter after including her in an anti-Gore television commercial.
Republican activist Lawrence E. King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s. Republican Congressman Donald “Buz” Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail.
Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos.
Republican activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children. Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child.
Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a female minor working as a congressional page.
Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.
Republican Judge Ronald C. Kline was placed under house arrest for child molestation and possession of child pornography.
Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.
Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.
Republican activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. “Republican Marty”), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with an underage girl and one count of delivering the drug LSD.
Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.
todd-akin-quote1Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.
Republican preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced to jail after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.
Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl.
Republican anti-gay activist Earl “Butch” Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.
Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.
Republican politician Andrew Buhr was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.
Republican politician Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).
Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was found guilty of molesting a 15-year old girl.
Republican County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a male child.
Republican activist John Butler was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl.
Republican candidate Richard Gardner admitted to molesting his two daughters.
Republican Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner was convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl.
Republican County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.
Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison.
Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.
Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.
Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.
Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter.
Republican director of the “Young Republican Federation” Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.
Republican president of the New York City Housing Development Corp. Russell Harding pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer.
Republican Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld authorized the rape of children in Iraqi prisons in order to humiliate their parents into providing information about the anti-American insurgency.
Republican serial killer Ted Bundy was hired by the Republican Party
Republican activist Matthew Glavin, who preached family values, was caught masturbating in public and fondling an undercover park ranger
Republican Party Chairman Sam Walls, who is married, was urged to drop his candidacy for Congress when it was found he likes to dress up in women’s clothing
Republican Congressman Edward Schrock resigned from Congress after he was caught searching for sex on a gay telephone service
Republican Mayor Jim West Republican voter Timothy McVeigh bombed Oklahoma City championed an anti-gay agenda, but was later found to be gay himself
Republican preacher Jimmy Swaggart preached fidelity, but cheated on his wife with a prostitute
Republican Congressman Bob Livingston was about to vote for impeaching President Clinton for sexual improprieties until it was disclosed he was an adulterer
Republican Congressman Henry Hyde denounced President Clinton’s extramarital affair, but was later found to be an adulterer himself
Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.
Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was found guilty of raping a 15-year old girl. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women.
Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a “good military man” and “church goer,” was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.
Republican anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth is a convicted child rapist in Florida.
Republican County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.
Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation.
Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.
Republican legislator Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter between the ages of 9 and 17.
Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girl.
Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.
Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child.
Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile.
Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.
Republican activist Lawrence E. King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
Republican Congressman Donald “Buz” Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail.
Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos.
Republican activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children.
Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child.
Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a female minor working as a congressional page.
Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.
Republican governor Arnold Schwarzenegger allegedly had sex with a 16 year old girl when he was 28.
Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.
Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped.
Republican activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. “Republican Marty”), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with an underage girl and one count of delivering the drug LSD.
Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.
Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.
Republican preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced to jail after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.
Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl.
Republican anti-gay activist Earl “Butch” Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.
Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.
Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.
Republican politician Andrew Buhr was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.
Republican politician Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).
Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was charged with sexual misconduct involving a 15-year old girl.
Republican County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a male child.
Republican activist John Butler was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl.
Republican candidate Richard Gardner admitted to molesting his two daughters.
Republican Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner was convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl.
Republican County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy.
Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison.
Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.
Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.
Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.
Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a “good military man” and “church goer,” was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison.
Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter.
Republican director of the “Young Republican Federation” Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.
Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was charged with rape for allegedly paying a 15-year old girl for sex. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women.
Republican Mayor John Gosek, 58, of 275 West 7th Street, Oswego, was arrested for the federal offense of “using a facility in inte-state commerce (a telephone) to knowingly attempt to persuade, induce, entice, and coerce an individual under the age of 18 years to engage in sexual activity for which he could be charged with criminal offenses, that is, rape in the third degree and criminal sexual act in the third degree” in violation of the New York State Penal Code.
Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child.
Republican activist Lawrence E. King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.
Republican Congressman Donald “Buz” Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a minor and sentenced to one month in jail.
Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges.
Republican activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children.
Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child.
Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a minor working as a congressional page. Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter.
Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.
Republican activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. “Republican Marty”), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with a juvenile and one count of delivering the drug LSD.
Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks, an advisor to a California assemblyman, was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.
Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.
Republican preacher Stephen White was arrested after allegedly offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.
Republican talk show host Jon Matthews of Houston was indicted for indecency with a child, including exposing his genitals to a girl under the age of 17.
Republican anti-gay activist Earl “Butch” Kimmerling confessed to molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.
Republican Party leader Paul Ingram of Thurston County, Washington, pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.
Republican St. Louis Election Board official Kevin Coan was arrested and charged with trying to buy sex from a 14-year-old girl whom he met on the Internet.
Republican politician Andrew Buhr, former committeeman for Hadley Township Missouri, was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.
Republican politician Keith Westmoreland, a Tennessee state representative, was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to minors under 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children).
Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was charged with sexual misconduct involving a 15 year old girl.
Republican legislator, Richard Gardner, a Nevada state representative, admitted to molesting his two daughters.
Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.
Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.
Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet.
Republican anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth is a convicted child rapist in Florida.
Republican County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison.
Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation. Of course it’s no contest! How could he even get a fair fight against those activist judges!
Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor. – That’s the culture of life we all know and love!
Defense contractor, Mitchell Wade, admitted that he paid California Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham (republican) more than $1 million in bribes in exchange for millions more in government contracts.
Republican legislator Edison Misla Aldarondo sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his 9 yr old daughter.
Republican Mayor Philip Giordano serving a 37-year sentence for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.
Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge sentenced to 3 years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl. I’m sure he had a good explanation. Republican racist pedophile and esteemed US Senator Strom Thurmond fathered a chiled with a 15-year old black girl. Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to sexual relations with a juvenile. Praise George!
Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having inappropriate relations with a 13-year-old girl.
Republican activist Lawrence E King, Jr. organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s.
Republican Congressman Donald “Buz” Lukens found guilty of sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail.
Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos.
Republican activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on 6counts of child sex crimes.
Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child. Look, he didn’t actually do anything. He only TRIED! You can’t fault a republican for trying!
Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a female minor working as a congressional page.
Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter. Prai$e the lord!
Republican governor Arnold Schwarzenegger allegedly had sex with a 16 year old girl when he was 28. I love this country!
Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar. Now I’m sure he can give us a good explanation for this.
Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped. Obviously a liberal conspiracy!
Republican activist Marty Glickman (a.k.a. “Republican Marty”), was taken into custody by Florida police on four counts of unlawful sexual activity with an underage girl and one count of delivering the drug LSD. He was obviously trying to help this woman! Do you liberals no shame!Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography. Look! It was his own son. Geez you liberals are SICK!
Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway accused of having sex with his 12-year old baby sitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media. He was trying to explain to her what NOT to do when in a difficult situation!
Republican preacher Stephen White, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced to jail after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.
Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl. She could have turned away.
Republican anti-gay activist Earl “Butch” Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her. Liberal jury of course.
Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison. Now how could anyone rape their daughter 6 times! Can you say Liberal psycologist!
Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl. Obviously set up by a liberal computer hacker. These hackers no NO SHAME!
Republican politician Andrew Buhr was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.
Republican politician Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children). You see, actually he happened to be changing out of his bathing suit when these kids walked by.
Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was charged with sexual misconduct involving a 15-year old girl.
Republican County Councilman Keola Childs pleaded guilty to molesting a male child. He pleaded guilty only to keep his family out of the liberal media’s spotlight.
Republican activist John Butler was charged with criminal sexual assault on a teenage girl. She was eighTEEN. That’s still a teenager!
Republican candidate Richard Gardner admitted to molesting his two daughters. He only had their interests in mind. Why don’t you liberals see that!
Republican Councilman and former Marine Jack W. Gardner was convicted of molesting a 13-year old girl. No comment.
Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr., was charged with rape for allegedly paying a 15-year old girl for sex. Dasen, 62, who is married with grown children and several grandchildren, has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women. Philanthrapy at it’s finest!
Republican County Commissioner Merrill Robert Barter pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual contact and assault on a teenage boy. That boy was a liberal trying to corrupt his mind. He did the right thing.
Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15 year-old girl and served 6-months in prison. He did the honorable thing and did his time.
Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000. Lies. Lies! All liberal lies!
Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession. Obviously set up by that liberal media!
Republican strategist and Citadel Military College graduate Robin Vanderwall was convicted in Virginia on five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet. Who said republicans were sexist!
The deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was arrested Tuesday, April 04, 2006, for using the Internet to seduce what he thought was a teenage girl, authorities said. Rep. Brian J. Doyle, 55, was arrested in Maryland where he lives on charges of use of a computer to seduce a child and transmission of harmful material to a minor. The charges were issued out of Polk County, Fla.
Republican anti-abortion activist Neal Horsley admitted to having sex with a mule.
A judge on Wednesday, 04-05-06, allowed a lawsuit to proceed against Jessica Cutler, the former Senate aide who posted details of her sex life on the Internet. The case brought by REPUBLICAN Sen. Mike DeWine’s former counsel to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Robert Steinbuch, alleges that Cutler engaged in an invasion of his privacy in 2004 by publishing sexually explicit facts about a relationship with Steinbuch. REPUBLICAN Otis O’Neal Horsley (born 1944) is an American political figure of the far REPUBLICAN right. He is the author of christiangallery.com, a website devoted to his advocacy of militant anti-abortion, secessionist, and anti-gay views. Last night, May 09, 2005, anti-abortion extremist Neal Horsley was a guest on The Alan Colmes Show, a FOX News radio program. The topic was an interesting one – whether or not an internet service provider should allow Horsley to post the names of abortion doctors on his website. Horsley does that as a way of targeting them and one doctor has been killed. In the course of the interview, however, Colmes asked Neal Horsley about his background, including a statement that he had admitted to engaging in homosexual and bestiality sex, including having sex with a MULE! Republican city councilman Mark Harris, who is described as a “good military man” and “church goer,” was convicted of repeatedly having sex with an 11-year-old girl and sentenced to 12 years in prison. If you do the crime, you do the time + 1.
Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter. He just wanted to keep an eye out for those girls…and his daughter. He even had pictures to prove it!
Republican director of the “Young Republican Federation” Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison.
Rev. C. Stephen White — better known on Penn’s campus as “Brother Stephen” — will face trial on charges of soliciting sex from a 14-year-old boy, according to the West Chester District Attorney’s office. At a preliminary hearing held Aug. 12, White pleaded not guilty to charges of criminal solicitation, criminal attempt to lure a child into a motor vehicle and corruption of minors. All charges will be held for court, according to West Chester Assistant District Attorney Kimberly Callahan, who will prosecute the case. White is married and has three sons and republican fundraiser in the area.
Republican Jack Burkmana reportedly has been caught allegedly offering to pay $1,000 for sex with two homosexuals … Republican operative Jack Burkmana former lobbyist for “Family Research Council” The council and Mr. Burkmana support and donate money to the Bush administration and the GOP.
(June 28, 2006)–A South Texas jury has found a 44-year-old REPUBLICAN political consultant guilty of four counts involving the sexual molestation of children. The 44-year-old CARY LEE CRAMER was convicted of one count of aggravated sexual assault of a child, two of indecency with a child by contact and one of indecency with a child by exposure. Cramer, who now lives in Tucson, Ariz., gained national attention during the 2000 presidential election. His McAllen company created a TV ad accusing the Clinton-Gore administration of giving away nuclear technology to China in exchange for campaign contributions. Cramer faces a maximum of 149 years in prison for the four felony charges.
Republican Lou Beres denied sexual-molestation allegations when the Oregonian newspaper first reported them in October.
Beres acknowledged sexually touching a 16- or 17-year-old friend of his daughter in 1976 or 1977. But a local Police Department report released as part of a lawsuit said Beres “readily admitted sexually touching” one girl when she was 13 or 14 years old.
The longtime leader of the Oregon Christian Coalition and staunch opponent of gay rights admits in a newly released police report that he sexually touched three underage girls.
August 30, 2006 A Texas pastor accused of raping a church member after telling her she was possessed by a lesbian demon at his house last year has been indicted. Republican, Leonard Ray Owens, 63, who is free on $25,000 bail, is now awaiting trial on a charge of sexual assault, a second-degree felony punishable by two to 20 years in prison. He was arrested in November, 2005.
Police began investigating Owens last year after a 22-year-old woman reported that Owens raped her twice at his Fort Worth home. The woman told police that in July, several months after she began attending the Prayer House of Faith, she went to Owens’ home for counseling following a miscarriage. Owens told her that a sex spirit and lesbian demon were inside her and needed to be cast out, police said. The pastor then asked her to lie on the floor and began yelling at her as if she were a demon, saying, “Loose her in the name of Jesus,” according to an arrest warrant affidavit.
Christian bookstore owner, cop admit sex with boy Pittsburgh, PA, August 30, 2006
A former college administrator, a former Christian bookstore owner and a former policeman admitted to sexual misconduct with a teenage boy.They were among five men arrested in March as part of an ongoing investigation of men who meet boys through Internet chat rooms, authorities said.William Gillin, 53, republican and Paul Skiles, 63, republican, both of Johnstown, pleaded guilty yesterday to corruption of minors, indecent assault and unlawful communications with minors. Mr. Gillin is the former alumni relations director at the University of Pittsburgh at Johnstown. Mr. Skiles owned the now-closed B&K Christian Bookstore in Richland Township.Some of the incidents occurred when the boy was 16, prosecutors said. He is now 17.
Donald Lukens, Republican Congressman, was found guilty of having sex with a minor – a girl he was accused of sleeping with since she was 13. Time Article
Pat McPherson, Douglas County Election Commissioner. Arrested for fondling a 17-year-old girl. Article
Jon Matthews, Republican talk show host in Houston, was indicted for indecency with a child, including exposing his genitals to a girl under the age of 17. Source: ABC News
Jeff Miller, (R-Cleveland), Senate Republican Caucus Chairman in Tennessee and the sponsor of Tennessee’s Marriage Protection act, getting divorced (as of April 2005) because of an affair he was having with an office aid. Miller described the Tennessee Marriage Protection Act as a means of preserving the sanctity of marriage. He opposed an amendment, however, which stated that “Adultery is deemed to be a threat to the institution of marriage and contrary to public policy in Tennessee.” <8> <9>
Jim Wesr, Spokane Mayor. Supported a bill, which failed, would have barred gays and lesbians from working in schools, day-care centers and some state agencies. Voted to bar the state from distributing pamphlets telling people how to protect themselves from AIDS. Proposed that “any touching of the sexual or other intimate parts of a person” among teens be criminalized. Had a sexual affair with an 18 year old boy.Source: Spokesman review
Keith Westmoreland, a Tennessee state representative (R), was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to minors under 16 (i.e. exposing himself to children). Tennesean Article
Stephen White, Republican preacher. Was arrested after allegedly offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him. Daily Pennsylvanian article Daily yale News Article
Nicholas Morency, Republican anti-abortion activist, pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor The Dallas Morning News article.
Sue Myrick, Congresswoman (R-NC), describes herself as a “devout Christian.” Committed adultery with a married man.
Bill O’Reilly, Right-wing conservative talk show host on Fox News, sued for sexual harrassment by his producer.
Bob Packwood, Senator (R-Ore.), resigned in 1995 under a threat of public senate hearings related to 10 female ex-staffers accusing him of sexual harassment.
Jeffrey Patti, Republican Committee Chairman, was arrested for distributing what experts call “some of the most offensive material in the child pornography world” – a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped. Daily Record News Article
John Paulk, lied about prowling for gay sex while running a fundamentalist group to cure gays.
Brent Parker Utah State Representetive. Arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer posing as a male prostitute. KSL News Article Deseret News Article
John Peterson, Congressman (R-Pa), accused of sexual harassment and creation of a hostile work environment by six women. Peterson has refused to admit a crime, saying only “I may have been an excessive hugger.”
Harvey Pitt, SEC Chief under George W. Bush until he was forced to resign in 2002. Worked for New Frontier Media, a firm which distributed teen sex videos.
Mark Pazuhanich, Republican judge, pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation. Pocono Record article
George Roche III, carried on a 19 year affair with his son’s wife, while serving as president of Hillsdale College, which “emphasizes the importance of the common moral truths that bind all Americans, while recognizing the importance of religion for the maintenance of a free society.”
Beverly Russell, County Chairman of the Christian Coalition, sexually molested his step-daughter, Susan Smith, who later drowned her two children. Herald-Journal Article Commentary on Newsweek Article
Jack Ryan, 2004 Republican nominee for US Senate from Illinois, pressured his wive, actress Jeri Ryan, to have sex with other men. Tricked her into visiting sex clubs, where he asked her to have sex with him while others watched.<10>
Joe Scarborough, former Republican Congressman, currently a conservative talk show host. Resigned his congressional seat abruptly to spend more time with his family, amidst allegations of an affair. His intern, Lori Klausutis, was soon after found dead in his office. The medical examiner, who had his license revoked in Missouri for falsifying information in an autopsy report, and suspended in florida for six years, ruled the case an accident, after giving conflicting information about her injuries. He said he lied about them because “The last thing we wanted was 40 questions about a head injury.”
Ed Schrock, two-term republican congressman, with a 92% approval rating from the Christian Coalition. Cosponsor of the Federal Marriage Amendment, consistently opposed gay rights. Married, with wife and kids. Withdrew his candidacy for a third term after tapes of him soliciting for gay sex were circulated.
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2019.11.02 05:38 AlMyUsrnamesWereTakn Streetlamp Le Moose from https://www.reddit.com/jlao6

It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That's double the goodness of your ordinary name!
Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. 'Streetlamp?' She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet.
Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He's wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says 'Yes Miss?' - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God.
'Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,' the teacher will say, 'you sure have a unique name.'
'I'm a unique guy,' he'll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink.
Fade to black.
Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you.
He's earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he's becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha.
His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that's unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what's right, and does it well.
Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn't fight back, he doesn't wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He's beautiful.
The bullies aren't caring though - they're just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you're pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they're seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he's secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he's a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he's more attractive by bullying him.
So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they're going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity.
Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She's developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher's doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. 'Streetlamp... Le Moose?' she says.
He looks up from the discussion he's having with one of the buddies that he'd made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - 'Yes Miss,' he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again.
She giggles - blushing.
They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it's a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he's an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy.
Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn't because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she'd never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn't want to get serious so soon.
Streetlamp? He didn't mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist.
Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it's toll on his health, but it doesn't, he stays on top of it all.
By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there's a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He's the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it's well and truly over now.
Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he's handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn't drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn't want to damage it.
Senior's hanging by the staircase, she's wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. 'Hi Streetlamp,' she says.
'Well Hi There.'
'You want to come upstairs with me?'
Fade to black.
Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.
He's dating the tightbody. She's 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.
People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren't good people - she's good like that. He's studying pretty hard, and training too - it's a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.
He's turned into a natural born leader.
He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he's there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn't what he's used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy 'Forever 21' shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.
They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that's her.
Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she's a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfuckegood guy that he is doesn't care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she'll like.
He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn't go so well - they didn't get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn't a fan. She's getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what's up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.
Dilemma.
Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.
The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He's happy for them. He's proud.
Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he's been empowered and how he's lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn't hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.
A lot of people are crying along with him.
After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it's the finest speech that he has ever heard.
He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He's still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.
The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.
'No, dude, relax! Have a good time,' Streetlamp says.
He opens the door and who's there; Floral.
His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, 'H-hi,' he manages to spit out. He's never been tongue tied around a girl before. She's got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she's wearing a floral print dress.
'Nice dress, I haven't seen you in one like that since...' His thought trailed.
'Since Preschool, I know.'
She smiled at him.
Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.
He's got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he's really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he's being pressured into declaring for the draft. It's a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.
He's sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He's been asked by his professors to help TA'ing some of the first year classes. They're pretty boring; he didn't really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.
First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He's always wanted to pull the cliched 'Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer' move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.
'Well, you're a rare sight in a class like this,' he says, turning to her.
She turns to him, grinning. 'Streetlamp?'
'Abigail? I hardly recognised you.'
She laughed, 'It's been an interesting year.'
'I can tell.'
A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.
'You're taking first year law?' She asked.
'Something like that.'
The man took the podium, scanning the students. 'Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,' he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.
That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren't that far away from each other. Turns out that she'd gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She'd taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.
She'd changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.
As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they'd go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they'd gotten through.
That year, they win the BCS.
Third year, last year of Pre-Law.
Abigail and Streetlamp start dating. The Coach of the Cardinal's didn't like it to begin with. There was a lot of conflict - he thought that she was bad for him, that she was dangerous. The cropped spikey hair and leather she always wore - even in the dead of summer didn't help Streetlamp's case.
It was a Tuesday night that the sparks truly flew. Streetlamp was sitting in Coach's office, a combination of Mahogany and Red lush carpet (Coach had been given a raise after the BCS championship).
'It isn't acceptable Streetlamp. I can't have my star athlete going around dating somebody like that. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about your career, it's about the public perception, it's about our fans and the teams that are scouting you - that want you. Is it really worth risking all of that for -' he paused, a look of disgust on his face, 'her?'
'Quite frankly coach,' he said, staring him straight in the eyes, 'I couldn't care less. I try to always do what's right, and to always be honest, and that's what I'm going to do now. Abigail is the girl that I care about, that I love, her appearance be damned. She is the single most kind, caring, intelligent and brilliant girl that I have ever met, and if you were to ask me to give up either her or football. Well, I'd have to have a long think about that.'
'Boy, I've been where you are before. I've cared for, god damn - I've loved girls with more of me than I care to admit, but this is your future. This is the rest of your life. She isn't the type that you marry. She's the type that you fuck for a few years, spend your fortune on and then leaves you for your best buddy.' He inhaled, tearing up a little bit, 'I just don't want to see you hurt by her Streetlamp.'
'I understand Coach, but you have to understand me. I've known her for most of my life, I've trusted her with all that I am, and she hasn't betrayed me. Sure, we have rough patches, we drift apart sometimes, but we always come back. We. Always. Come. Back. Football is one thing coach, but a life without the girl that I love - that's something completely different.'
They sat in silence for a little while. Coach staring at his desk and Streetlamp, at his lap.
Streetlamp's voice croaked as he started to speak again; 'If you're asking me to choose between football and the love of my life, you know the answer.'
That season, they went undefeated again with Streetlamp starting every single game. His passing rating sat on 192.1 for the season, and the speculation surrounding his decision at the end of the year was making the news every single night.
A lot of the pro teams have been flying out their coaches to talk to him. He's not sure. He's conflicted; ambivalent.
It was late on a Friday that he decided to seek advice. He called his father; the rock of his life. The man that had always been there for him, loved and cared for him. The man that would give up everything for his son's happiness.
'Son,' his father had said, 'You've always loved Football, but you've always loved helping people too. I think that's the quality that I most admire in you. You're a special kid, the best son that a father can hope for, and one that I'm so very proud of.' Streetlamp could hear his father crying now, 'I don't know what decision you'll make, but I know you, and I know that whatever decision you come to is going to be the right one.'
Draft day 2032.
Streetlamp is paraded across the stage along with the rest of the speculated top draft picks. He wears a nice suit with a plain white shirt underneath and a crisp dark tie. Just looking at him, you can tell that behind those eyes lurks an incredible intellect.
The introductory proceedings stretch on for half an hour, but finally, they're backstage again. Streetlamp sighs, his nerves holding his chest in a vice.
'It's going to be fine honey.' She says, hugging him tight to her chest.
'I know. It's just. Wow.'
'Who would've thought, hey?'
'Who would've thought.'
'I always knew, I read a story about you once,' said his Father, joking to relieve the tension. 'Best god damn story ever written.'
Streetlamp laughed. 'That's ridiculous.'
'Loosened you up though, didn't it?'
'Sure did.'
There was a short silence. Streetlamp rubbed his eyes.
'Did you get much sleep last night?' His mother asked.
'Not enough.' Streetlamp said, 'the nerves, y'no.'
'First pick, I'm telling you son. LA Jaguars - your new home.'
The introductions are done - the elderly Peyton Manning stands in front of thousands of fans - millions watching live at home.
'The first pick of the 2032 draft goes to the LA Jaguars.'
A tense minute passes. Streetlamp watches the action on a small tv in the backstage area - a camera up in his face.
Another minute passes. He starts to panic. Abigail clutches his hand. Staring at her, he can't help but smile. Over the last year, she'd traded her cropped hair for a longer style, and her leather in for sweaters and blouses. She never did say why, but he suspected that word got back to her about his confrontation with the coach. He'd asked, but she just denied.
'... and with the first pick of the 2032 NFL draft, the LA Jaguars pick... Streetlamp Le Moose!'
His jaw drops, exhaling deeply, his eyes wide open. His mother and father are jumping up and down screaming, Abigail is clutching on to him tighter than ever. 'You did it,' she says, 'you did it.'
The day after, the contract had been drawn up, including the special circumstances. The news story broke that night 'Streetlamp Le Moose - Signed for $47 million over 7 years. Reported to also be attending Law School as well.'
He's taking the degree externally.
He'd told his father the day before the signing. He'd been accepted to Yale.
2036
He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.
'I do.'
'You may now kiss the bride.'
With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.
'I love you, you know.'
She smiled 'I know.'
In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he'd never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.
He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.
She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.
The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.
'I don't know very many of you,' he said, 'and that's a shame. I don't doubt that you're all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."
'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd 'we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.'
'I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn't look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn't discriminate.'
'I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.'
'That day, it struck me, there's a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don't care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.'
'It is our job now to fight for people who can't fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.'
'I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."'
'Thankyou.'
2041
His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. 'Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?' Streetlamp asked.
The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. 'I can't stand the stuff,' he said, 'if it's not real, it can't be good.'
'Ah, I'm a bit the same, I've been almost too careful since Chair came along.'
'Chair? Your son right?'
'Yes sir. Chair De'Burlap.'
'Interesting name. Strong name.' He said, his brow creased, nodding. 'You think he's going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?'
Streetlamp laughed, 'I'm not a legend yet sir.'
The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, 'Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league.' He shook his head. 'What're you going to do with all that money?'
'Good Sir, I'm going to do good.'
'I'm sure you will son.'
That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.
'Hey dad,' he said.
'Streetlamp! How're you going? How's Chair?'
'We're good dad. I signed the new contract today.'
'I saw - it's all over the news. $180 million, it's a lot of money.'
'That it is.'
'Any plans for what you're going to do with it?'
'I'm opening my own charity. I've been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,' he paused, 'these women dad. They're broken. They're violated and they're broken. It's like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.'
He paused.
His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.
'I can't make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.'
'That's very noble.'
'It's just the right thing to do.'
'You always do the right thing.'
Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.
'Hey babe, good day?' She'd shed the baby weight amazingly quick.
'It was great, I'm just on the phone with Dad.'
'Tell him I say hi.'
'Will do.'
'Was that Abi?' Streetlamp's Dad asked.
'Sure was. She says hi.'
'I'll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.'
'Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.'
'Love you too son.'
Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.
'I saw the news,' said Abigail.
'It's hard not to now-a-days.'
'$180 million is a lot of money.'
'I know.'
'How much are you pledging to the charity.'
'I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking...' his sentence trailed off.
'Yes?'
'I was thinking I'd pledge $170 million. If you're okay with that.'
'I'm more than okay. I'm proud of you.'
2046:
'Breaking news: Jaguars' star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.'
Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'I've never been more sure.'
'But, you love football.'
'I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can't lose you. I can't leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.'
'You're a good father.'
'You're the best mother.'
She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.
A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, 'Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?'
'Yes, I am Jessie.'
He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.
'And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,' said one news reporter.
'He's spent the last week flanked by reports that he's injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.' Another said.
Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.
'Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.'
A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.
'Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I'm sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I'm no longer a young man. I'm not in the same athletic shape as I once was.'
'I'm not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De'Burlap, who's starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.'
'My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he's still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don't think I'd be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn't for him.'
'I've been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I'm sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I'm sure the team will be more than safe with him.'
'I've achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I've opened my own charity, I've defended the rights of women who couldn't afford defending, I've raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I've always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I've always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.'
He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, 'In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.' He walked off stage.
2056: 'Ladies and gentleman,' Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, 'I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.'
'Today,' he paused, 'today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.'
An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.
'The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I'm sure it pains you too.'
'I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.'
'Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.'
'I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.'
With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively 'Hello Mr. President.'
He smiled at her, chuckling, 'Hello, First Lady,'
This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?
submitted by AlMyUsrnamesWereTakn to repost [link] [comments]


2019.10.01 09:09 TinTin003 Streetlamp Le Moose

ORIGINAL BY u/6point8

It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That's double the goodness of your ordinary name!
Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. 'Streetlamp?' She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet.
Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He's wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says 'Yes Miss?' - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God.
'Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,' the teacher will say, 'you sure have a unique name.'
'I'm a unique guy,' he'll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink.
Fade to black.
Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you.
He's earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he's becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha.
His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that's unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what's right, and does it well.
Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn't fight back, he doesn't wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He's beautiful.
The bullies aren't caring though - they're just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you're pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they're seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he's secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he's a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he's more attractive by bullying him.
So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they're going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity.
Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She's developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher's doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. 'Streetlamp... Le Moose?' she says.
He looks up from the discussion he's having with one of the buddies that he'd made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - 'Yes Miss,' he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again.
She giggles - blushing.
They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it's a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he's an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy.
Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn't because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she'd never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn't want to get serious so soon.
Streetlamp? He didn't mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist.
Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it's toll on his health, but it doesn't, he stays on top of it all.
By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there's a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He's the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it's well and truly over now.
Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he's handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn't drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn't want to damage it.
Senior's hanging by the staircase, she's wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. 'Hi Streetlamp,' she says.
'Well Hi There.'
'You want to come upstairs with me?'
Fade to black.
Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.
He's dating the tightbody. She's 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.
People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren't good people - she's good like that. He's studying pretty hard, and training too - it's a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.
He's turned into a natural born leader.
He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he's there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn't what he's used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy 'Forever 21' shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.
They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that's her.
Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she's a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfuckegood guy that he is doesn't care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she'll like.
He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn't go so well - they didn't get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn't a fan. She's getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what's up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.
Dilemma.
Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.
The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He's happy for them. He's proud.
Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he's been empowered and how he's lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn't hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.
A lot of people are crying along with him.
After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it's the finest speech that he has ever heard.
He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He's still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.
The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.
'No, dude, relax! Have a good time,' Streetlamp says.
He opens the door and who's there; Floral.
His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, 'H-hi,' he manages to spit out. He's never been tongue tied around a girl before. She's got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she's wearing a floral print dress.
'Nice dress, I haven't seen you in one like that since...' His thought trailed.
'Since Preschool, I know.'
She smiled at him.
Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.
He's got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he's really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he's being pressured into declaring for the draft. It's a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.
He's sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He's been asked by his professors to help TA'ing some of the first year classes. They're pretty boring; he didn't really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.
First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He's always wanted to pull the cliched 'Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer' move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.
'Well, you're a rare sight in a class like this,' he says, turning to her.
She turns to him, grinning. 'Streetlamp?'
'Abigail? I hardly recognised you.'
She laughed, 'It's been an interesting year.'
'I can tell.'
A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.
'You're taking first year law?' She asked.
'Something like that.'
The man took the podium, scanning the students. 'Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,' he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.
That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren't that far away from each other. Turns out that she'd gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She'd taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.
She'd changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.
As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they'd go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they'd gotten through.
That year, they win the BCS.
Third year, last year of Pre-Law.
Abigail and Streetlamp start dating. The Coach of the Cardinal's didn't like it to begin with. There was a lot of conflict - he thought that she was bad for him, that she was dangerous. The cropped spikey hair and leather she always wore - even in the dead of summer didn't help Streetlamp's case.
It was a Tuesday night that the sparks truly flew. Streetlamp was sitting in Coach's office, a combination of Mahogany and Red lush carpet (Coach had been given a raise after the BCS championship).
'It isn't acceptable Streetlamp. I can't have my star athlete going around dating somebody like that. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about your career, it's about the public perception, it's about our fans and the teams that are scouting you - that want you. Is it really worth risking all of that for -' he paused, a look of disgust on his face, 'her?'
'Quite frankly coach,' he said, staring him straight in the eyes, 'I couldn't care less. I try to always do what's right, and to always be honest, and that's what I'm going to do now. Abigail is the girl that I care about, that I love, her appearance be damned. She is the single most kind, caring, intelligent and brilliant girl that I have ever met, and if you were to ask me to give up either her or football. Well, I'd have to have a long think about that.'
'Boy, I've been where you are before. I've cared for, god damn - I've loved girls with more of me than I care to admit, but this is your future. This is the rest of your life. She isn't the type that you marry. She's the type that you fuck for a few years, spend your fortune on and then leaves you for your best buddy.' He inhaled, tearing up a little bit, 'I just don't want to see you hurt by her Streetlamp.'
'I understand Coach, but you have to understand me. I've known her for most of my life, I've trusted her with all that I am, and she hasn't betrayed me. Sure, we have rough patches, we drift apart sometimes, but we always come back. We. Always. Come. Back. Football is one thing coach, but a life without the girl that I love - that's something completely different.'
They sat in silence for a little while. Coach staring at his desk and Streetlamp, at his lap.
Streetlamp's voice croaked as he started to speak again; 'If you're asking me to choose between football and the love of my life, you know the answer.'
That season, they went undefeated again with Streetlamp starting every single game. His passing rating sat on 192.1 for the season, and the speculation surrounding his decision at the end of the year was making the news every single night.
A lot of the pro teams have been flying out their coaches to talk to him. He's not sure. He's conflicted; ambivalent.
It was late on a Friday that he decided to seek advice. He called his father; the rock of his life. The man that had always been there for him, loved and cared for him. The man that would give up everything for his son's happiness.
'Son,' his father had said, 'You've always loved Football, but you've always loved helping people too. I think that's the quality that I most admire in you. You're a special kid, the best son that a father can hope for, and one that I'm so very proud of.' Streetlamp could hear his father crying now, 'I don't know what decision you'll make, but I know you, and I know that whatever decision you come to is going to be the right one.'
Draft day 2032.
Streetlamp is paraded across the stage along with the rest of the speculated top draft picks. He wears a nice suit with a plain white shirt underneath and a crisp dark tie. Just looking at him, you can tell that behind those eyes lurks an incredible intellect.
The introductory proceedings stretch on for half an hour, but finally, they're backstage again. Streetlamp sighs, his nerves holding his chest in a vice.
'It's going to be fine honey.' She says, hugging him tight to her chest.
'I know. It's just. Wow.'
'Who would've thought, hey?'
'Who would've thought.'
'I always knew, I read a story about you once,' said his Father, joking to relieve the tension. 'Best god damn story ever written.'
Streetlamp laughed. 'That's ridiculous.'
'Loosened you up though, didn't it?'
'Sure did.'
There was a short silence. Streetlamp rubbed his eyes.
'Did you get much sleep last night?' His mother asked.
'Not enough.' Streetlamp said, 'the nerves, y'no.'
'First pick, I'm telling you son. LA Jaguars - your new home.'
The introductions are done - the elderly Peyton Manning stands in front of thousands of fans - millions watching live at home.
'The first pick of the 2032 draft goes to the LA Jaguars.'
A tense minute passes. Streetlamp watches the action on a small tv in the backstage area - a camera up in his face.
Another minute passes. He starts to panic. Abigail clutches his hand. Staring at her, he can't help but smile. Over the last year, she'd traded her cropped hair for a longer style, and her leather in for sweaters and blouses. She never did say why, but he suspected that word got back to her about his confrontation with the coach. He'd asked, but she just denied.
'... and with the first pick of the 2032 NFL draft, the LA Jaguars pick... Streetlamp Le Moose!'
His jaw drops, exhaling deeply, his eyes wide open. His mother and father are jumping up and down screaming, Abigail is clutching on to him tighter than ever. 'You did it,' she says, 'you did it.'
The day after, the contract had been drawn up, including the special circumstances. The news story broke that night 'Streetlamp Le Moose - Signed for $47 million over 7 years. Reported to also be attending Law School as well.'
He's taking the degree externally.
He'd told his father the day before the signing. He'd been accepted to Yale.
2036
He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.
'I do.'
'You may now kiss the bride.'
With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.
'I love you, you know.'
She smiled 'I know.'
In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he'd never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.
He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.
She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.
The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.
'I don't know very many of you,' he said, 'and that's a shame. I don't doubt that you're all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."
'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd 'we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.'
'I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn't look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn't discriminate.'
'I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.'
'That day, it struck me, there's a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don't care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.'
'It is our job now to fight for people who can't fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.'
'I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."'
'Thankyou.'
2041
His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. 'Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?' Streetlamp asked.
The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. 'I can't stand the stuff,' he said, 'if it's not real, it can't be good.'
'Ah, I'm a bit the same, I've been almost too careful since Chair came along.'
'Chair? Your son right?'
'Yes sir. Chair De'Burlap.'
'Interesting name. Strong name.' He said, his brow creased, nodding. 'You think he's going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?'
Streetlamp laughed, 'I'm not a legend yet sir.'
The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, 'Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league.' He shook his head. 'What're you going to do with all that money?'
'Good Sir, I'm going to do good.'
'I'm sure you will son.'
That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.
'Hey dad,' he said.
'Streetlamp! How're you going? How's Chair?'
'We're good dad. I signed the new contract today.'
'I saw - it's all over the news. $180 million, it's a lot of money.'
'That it is.'
'Any plans for what you're going to do with it?'
'I'm opening my own charity. I've been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,' he paused, 'these women dad. They're broken. They're violated and they're broken. It's like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.'
He paused.
His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.
'I can't make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.'
'That's very noble.'
'It's just the right thing to do.'
'You always do the right thing.'
Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.
'Hey babe, good day?' She'd shed the baby weight amazingly quick.
'It was great, I'm just on the phone with Dad.'
'Tell him I say hi.'
'Will do.'
'Was that Abi?' Streetlamp's Dad asked.
'Sure was. She says hi.'
'I'll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.'
'Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.'
'Love you too son.'
Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.
'I saw the news,' said Abigail.
'It's hard not to now-a-days.'
'$180 million is a lot of money.'
'I know.'
'How much are you pledging to the charity.'
'I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking...' his sentence trailed off.
'Yes?'
'I was thinking I'd pledge $170 million. If you're okay with that.'
'I'm more than okay. I'm proud of you.'
2046:
'Breaking news: Jaguars' star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.'
Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'I've never been more sure.'
'But, you love football.'
'I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can't lose you. I can't leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.'
'You're a good father.'
'You're the best mother.'
She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.
A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, 'Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?'
'Yes, I am Jessie.'
He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.
'And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,' said one news reporter.
'He's spent the last week flanked by reports that he's injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.' Another said.
Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.
'Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.'
A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.
'Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I'm sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I'm no longer a young man. I'm not in the same athletic shape as I once was.'
'I'm not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De'Burlap, who's starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.'
'My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he's still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don't think I'd be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn't for him.'
'I've been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I'm sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I'm sure the team will be more than safe with him.'
'I've achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I've opened my own charity, I've defended the rights of women who couldn't afford defending, I've raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I've always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I've always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.'
He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, 'In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.' He walked off stage.
2056: 'Ladies and gentleman,' Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, 'I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.'
'Today,' he paused, 'today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.'
An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.
'The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I'm sure it pains you too.'
'I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.'
'Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.'
'I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.'
With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively 'Hello Mr. President.'
He smiled at her, chuckling, 'Hello, First Lady,'
This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?
submitted by TinTin003 to DecreasinglyVerbose [link] [comments]


2019.09.02 12:02 SaveMeFromMyBrother My brother is hemorrhaging money, and it's hurting my family, and future.

Title says it all.
That's the short version.
I grew up in a (upper) middle class home, raised by a single parent, my dad, after my mom passed away when I was seven. Today, my family consists of just my dad, myself, and my brother. I'm thirty four years old, and my brother is four years older than me. I've always been the "baby" of the family.
Because of the loss of my mother, my dad was determined give us every opportunity and experience he could think of. We had Disneyland annual passes basically all throughout my childhood (it helped my mom relax, and my dad is a Disney geek himself), dad was very active in our school, scouting, etc. activities throughout (and was a proud girl scout dad), and when we were older, he sent us overseas a few summers in a row during our middle school and high school years, then later he set us up so we could focus purely on college. He retired from his job while I was still in my first year of high school, and he was living quite comfortably with my brother in college and picking up his first job at Disneyland, and me as a very easy going teenager.
I share this part of the backstory because I think in spoiling us rotten, my dad created a monster in my brother.
My brother is obsessed with taking trips, and travel, multiple times a year. Every year. We live in California, though, this summer my brother has moved out of state to take on a national park job for a year. But before this happy occasion, here's what we've been up against--- Almost every year, he goes to: Disney World in Florida, any of the Disney Parks in Asia, New York, and spends anywhere from two to five days in either location before flying back. A handful of weekend long distance trips. Basically using whatever vacation time he has, whatever funds he earns, doesn't really save up, and for the last ten years or more, our dad has foot the bill of his other costs of living. It's one bad decision after another, sometimes several at a time. While I moved out a few years ago, I still come back fairly often and see my dad several times a week. And and that time since after I have found my own starter place with my fiance, I have seen my childhood home deteriorate worse than it started to when I was very young.
I grew up in hoarder-like situations off and on. Not full blown hoarder, but it was definitely very "pack rat", especially amid my mom's health crisis as she turned to retail therapy. After her passing, while we were kids, my dad had friends (and us) help clear and sort the place up as much as possible. In my life, I have never seen the back bathroom work. I've also never seen my dad sleep in my parent's room; he has always slept on the couch. Despite making my parent's room perfect at the time (this clean up effort was after my mother passed away), my dad still chose to sleep on the couch.
Now today mom's room is storage again. So is the back bathroom. So is my old bathroom, as plumbing just apparently decided to stop working in there over the last ten years, and my dad has never agreed to have any repairs done... My dad has a long history of resisting change for the better ("we already have a insert broken/older-than-me item title here, why replace it??"), and for that reason, off and on through and shortly after college, I spent as little time at home as possible. My dad wouldn't let me help, so, I stayed away. The clutter got much, much worse after my grandmother passed away and we brought in her things.
Today, since my move, it has become increasingly worse as utilities have stopped functioning. Our kitchen sink doesn't work, and hasn't for years. Neither does our dishwasher. Our clothes washer.....is special, but it more or less functions. (I never wash anything I don't want to risk be ruined at home, I always go to a laundromat. And even then it's a risk.) Different light fixtures still need work. We could really stand to hire a gardener at least for a month. Our doorknob and mail slot are busted. And lastly, our last shower was on it's last legs this year.
I more than suspect my brother's spending habits are part of why. Or so my dad claims. Between his trips, his vitamin quack doctor, his eating habits, Philippine girlfriends, and his psychics... I don't know how much of this disaster is him, or how much is dad. But of what I do know for sure about my brother's spending habits, they are excessive, and no amount of reason can get through to him! He claims he pays for his trips, then charges up to $35 a day on food to a family credit card account I refuse to use. He's gained a worrying amount of weight, I suspect he has a food addiction as he is almost constantly snacking.
Early this spring I watched in horror as my dad, now in his mid 70's, came down with pneumonia and couldn't so much as bathe easily, and my brother, who tried to make himself available, was still very hard to rely on. I took dad to the hospital. I stayed home with him and endured the horrible coughing that lessened as the antibiotics did their work. Shortly after dad's recovery, my brother got the national park job, and set out to drive across the country.
Then, and only then, did my dad agree to have the shower fixed. He told me last winter that he was delaying repairs on purpose to motivate my brother to move out, but I'm not sure I buy that excuse, as my dad has notoriously resisted change in general in the last many years. But, it's been over a month later after the shower, and we're getting to the kitchen sink next.
At my job, I'm currently living paycheck to paycheck. I spend no more than $11-15 (closer to $12) a day on food, and since they have cut my hours, I have dedicated just about all of my off time to staying with dad and attacking the house full speed. Vacuuming, mopping, lawn work, de-dusting whatever surface I can get my hands on at a pace my carpal tunnel won't yell at me for working. I've been re-organizing, sanitizing, and even rebuilding. My dad won't let me get rid of anything, but I can at least dress it up well enough. I've grown to swear by Clorox wipes. Liking my efforts, and persuaded by the better argument of his sciatica, my dad finally agreed to replace his couch with a bed. I'm doing everything I can to make dad comfortable in his own home until my second (seasonal) job starts later this month.
Progress is slow, but progress is still progress--- and then my brother messages me today about his plans to go to Disney World, visit here, and then possibly Disneyland Paris in the next month.
I have tried to tell him to hold off. I sent him pictures of my efforts, and of the fixed, clean shower. I've told him that if he holds off, I can afford to fix the sink- maybe even install a dishwasher. If he holds off a year and saves his income, I can in all likelihood arrange more repairs in our other bathroom. I have tried to tell our dad to stop paying for his food as he now makes at least 35-37k, so that way hopefully he'll be less inclined to go on said holiday trips. Neither of them will listen to me. I can't control their free will. But this spiraled out of control long ago and I was in denial. I'm really starting to fear for my dad's ability to reason. I know he doesn't want to throw his son under the bus, but if my brother learns to spend wisely, NOT travel, then on his current income, he can pull it off. (But if he hasn't learned that yet after after having a master's degree I don't know if he ever will) Dad still isn't convinced to cut him off. My fiance seems to be the only person who can kind of talk sense into him, but on this, he won't budge.
Is this elder abuse? Am I in trouble? I have been seeing a therapist recently, and I'm terrified to mention any of this to her for fear of starting a major legal battle of some kind that I absolutely cannot have a snowball's chance in Texas of affording. I'm trying to save for my wedding, and for my own future. But I don't know what to do. My brother is likely going to be spending more than he makes (again), and he has power of attorney. He pays psychics for "protection" so his Philippine girlfriend doesn't find out about the other international girls he was talking to. And he has power of attorney.
My dad can barely rinse a dish at home, and I don't know who is more at fault, because I blame myself, too.
I'm terrified. I'm terrified to get help but it's desperately needed. I'm terrified of being slapped with elder abuse, as this happened to a friend of ours who actually went to jail for it. I'm terrified my brother will have more control than he should ever be trusted with over our finances in the future and do something stupid.
I don't know what to do, if anything can be done at all.
*EDIT*
I wrote this after basically not sleeping for almost a full day. So perhaps it was hard to get everything out. I will try to be more clear:
I don't live at my dad's. I have taken it upon myself to spend almost all my off time from work there to help him and clean the place, run errands fowith him, and keep him company. I hate seeing him live on antihistamines to breathe while he lives among the dust.
Last November, I needed to have an emergency surgery. I was put on medical leave from my full time job for three months (and was put on part time after I came back as I needed to move to a different department, also for medical reasons).
Just before that happened, my brother took a tour of the Asia Disney Parks with his mail order girlfriend. He went to Disney Tokyo, Hong Kong and Shanghai.
He blows through just about all his finances. Our dad picks up the slack and pays his credit card bills. But because of my brother's NON STOP spending, over the holidays he has driven our dad into credit card debt for the first time in our dad's life. And dad and is STILL IN DEBT after six months.
My brother, who now lives out of state, is about to declare bankruptcy, is not even past his probation period at his new year-long contract job (which could turn into a career if he proves himself reliable and stays put), and is ALREADY planning to go on three trips in October-November, including Disney World and Disneyland Paris. While our dad is in debt (paying my brother's credit card bills), and can't afford to make basic repairs at his own home.
Is THAT financial elder abuse?
My brother also has power of attorney. I was terrified that I was going to lose my dad this year when he had pneumonia. If that happened, my brother would have been in charge of our dad's will and estate, and would likely squander it fast without me to keep him in check, which I'm beginning to believe isn't possible.
My dad's home is barely functioning while my brother is in credit card debt, is about to declare bankruptcy, and is still traveling internationally.
Is that elder abuse? What the hell can be done?
submitted by SaveMeFromMyBrother to legaladvice [link] [comments]


2019.08.31 14:31 Dancing_Rain28 My sister (18F) has gone off the rails and I (30M) feel powerless to help her or my parents (50s M/F)

tldr; My sister managed to get mixed up in gang activity, the stress is destroying my parents and we all fear she is going to wind up dead or worse. She has refused all attempts at help / outreach because she thinks people are trying to manipulate her. What can I do besides let her fall so hard that she realizes she needs help?

Background:
The makings of this go back about 1.5 years, but the worst of it has been over the last few months, so apologies for the wall of text. Since I have been living out of state since graduating college, I have seen very little of this firsthand, so much of this is just what I have heard being a sounding board for my parents and my sister. My family is middle class, parents raised us in a nice neighborhood. Good schools, low crime community, and all of the luxuries and comforts that kind of situation affords. We have different fathers as my mom divorced my bio-dad before I was born, but her bio-dad is the only father I have ever had.
Early on in high school, my sister started a relationship with a guy 1 year older than her (currently 19M). He seemed polite and well behaved at the time (what can you really expect out of kids?). During her second year he transferred to a different school in a more inner-city/rough neighborhood trying to get noticed for D1 college basketball scouts. During this, he still lived with his mom in my home town, so his relationship with my sister continued. There was a bunch of on-again off-again nonsense that could probably just be chalked up to teenage love/drama. Things seemed fine though.
The train wreck:
Now early last summer is where things seem to be going haywire. My whole family flew out to visit me for two weeks and my parents trusted her boyfriend enough to have him bring in the mail / take care of the dog while they were gone. During this trip, he abused that access to:
HUGE red flags. They had a falling out. My parents, justifiably so, tell her she has to end her relationship and that her boyfriend isn't allowed back in the house. She does at first. But after a little while she gets involved with him again secretly. This evolves into being out in the open once she's not as sneaky as she thought he was. My parents after some resistance eventually decide that no matter how strict they are about it, she's going to keep seeing him somehow, so they begrudgingly accept it and decide to fight the battle with boundaries instead (curfew, he's not allowed in the house without them present, etc.) Teens will be teens though because constant boundary violation was the source of much tension between my parents and my sister from this point forward.
Having gone back to said boyfriend, this alienated my sister from her social circle. Her friends (rightfully so) did not want to associate with a rapist. One by one they each had the same kind of conversation with her 'it's him or us'. And she picked him every time. So my sister spends the entirety of her senior year with no friends except this boyfriend and whoever he associates with (surprise, they're criminals).
A few months ago is where this gets beyond any realm of rebellious teenage behavior into a place where I don't know what I can do. My dad caught her boyfriend leaving my sister's room at 5 AM on a school day. He tried to play it off as her agreeing to give him a ride somewhere but it's pretty obvious that's not what happened. My sister had been missing a lot of school and it turns out she was cutting to basically spend the day with this guy in her bed smoking weed. Cue furious parents, disciplinary measures, my dad physically removing the boyfriend from the property and telling him he is not welcome on the property anymore.
A few days later my dad catches my sister coming home as he is leaving for work at about 6:30 AM. She says she was just giving her boyfriend a ride to the train. Turns out she got arrested the previous night! She was out a few towns away with her boyfriend and one of his associates. An officer driving by caught her sitting at the wheel ready to be the getaway driver while the other two were canvassing the house. All three of them got arrested. She basically admitted to doing everything to the police followed by vehemently denying any wrongdoing to my parents and spinning a third story to the lawyer my parents hired with her college fund. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in between all of those versions but the fact of the matter is there had been a string of burglaries and this arrest caused my parents to start going through her stuff with a fine-tooth comb. They found a done of stuff (electronics, handbags, shoes, drugs) that were not hers and she definitely couldn't afford. They found a pair of shoes she has with duct tape on the bottom to obfuscate the prints left behind when walking. They found a bunch of gloves and a crowbar in the back of her car...you get the idea. She looks guilty AF. My parents start weighing the same struggle I put in the TLDR. For now they are still firmly in the 'help her despite herself' mode.
So this all goes to preliminary hearings. My sister can't take a plea deal because the charge was conspiracy to commit burglary and I guess all three of them needed to take the deal for it to be valid. Who doesn't want to plea - surprise, the boyfriend. Apparently he has family high up in the court system and is confident he'll walk (he's been through this 6 other times already).
Since it's her first offense, they put her in a pre-trial intervention program which as I understand it is basically just probation where if you meet all the terms they'll expunge the charge, and she wouldn't have to go to court or prison. So she has that going for her, I guess. Part of this is forcing her to go to therapy, and they diagnosed her as manic depressive. From that end, my mom's side of the family does have a history of mental illness. This gets all of us very eager to attribute this whole thing to mental illness, but I'm not sure it's so simple.
Through all of this my sister somehow miraculously graduates high school. I went to town for this, got to see her, gave her a chance to talk but she didn't really take me up on it. But it's a small moment of happiness in that storm. She still had a scholarship to start college and essentially have a free ride to a four year degree in anything she wanted. I think in the back of our minds we were hoping she took that opportunity because it would ensure a great financial start for her adult life and she'd have some forced distance away from the influence of her criminal boyfriend and his associates. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like that was meant to be anymore.
One day my dad comes home from work to have lunch. He hears a noise downstairs (my childhood home is a split level, my parents are generally on the top floor and the bottom floor is my sisters) and figures it's my sister so he goes down to say hello to her. Nobody answers. He hears another noise. Goes to the bathroom, door is locked. He knocks, her boyfriend answers. My dad busts down the door at this and tells him he needs to leave, or that he's going to call the police. Boyfriend insists he needs to get something from my sister's room before he leaves and my dad is very insistent that he can get whatever it is from my sister later (I heard later, that these were stolen goods he was trying to sell to someone that he was keeping in my sister's room - this intervention made that deal go sour). This tension escalates to physical violence. In the span of a few seconds my dad finds himself on the ground. He calls the police. They give my dad the option to press charges but he basically winds up with an order that says if the boyfriend ever comes on the property again, it's considered criminal trespassing.
You'd think that your boyfriend assaulting your father in his own home would be some kind of wake up call but no, teenage love has other plans. My sister then proceeds to get into a fight with my dad about the stolen goods her boyfriend was trying to get (not saying they were stolen, just that they had sold the bags for a few thousand dollars and needed them ASAP to give to the buyer because the buyer already paid). My dad had already turned the bags in to the police when they came earlier. She goes nuclear tantrum, hits my dad. He tries to de-escalate the situation by leaving the room and closing the door to the lower floor. He leans up against it to try to keep her from following him. She ends up kicking down the door with such force that the frame tears off the wall. My dad gets hurt in the process of this. She runs away and throws up the front door so hard that there's now a fist sized hole in the wall where the knob hit it.
At this point, my dad could have called the police and had a domestic violence charge against her. But he didn't. I think he feels that if he took that step, she would be gone forever and never have a chance to reconcile with her. I can't claim to know what it feels like to be a father but when he told me about this I told him it was his decision, but it seemed they were running out of options.
Over the last few weeks my parents keep finding more stolen goods popping up around the house. She withdrew her enrollment to college before the first semester even started because it would take her too far away from her boyfriend and she needs money 'now'. She's talking about this big grand fantasy of running away to California with him and a few of his friends (based on Cost of Living I understand that California is probably not the place you want to be without a solid career and education). It's very apparent to me (and it seems like my parents might finally be coming around to this too) that the shock of being arrested and having her life thrown sideways by bad decision making did not serve as a proper wake-up call.
Cue a few days ago, my mom mentions to me on the phone that my sister noticed someone following her. The same car was at their house early in the morning, her work during the day, and she saw it outside of her friend's house that she stayed at that night. We think it's probably an undercover police officer given the circumstances. Two nights ago, my sister was out at night and was attacked. Her car got destroyed, she got assaulted. The police said the pattern is consistent with a 'warning' attack from a huge regional gang. Last night, my parents found enough drugs in her room that look like they'd last 3 months for even the most heavy pot smoker. They're worried she's trying to become a dealer (or already is). They were going to confront her when she came home next, but I haven't heard anything since about 10 PM last night.
At this point I don't see anything I can really do to help. I'm beside myself. My parents are afraid that she's going to turn up dead. We're concerned that whatever gang she's gotten mixed up with will target the house (and anyone in it) next. My parents have been communicating with the police but I don't think they'll be able to step in until it's too late. Do we just let her fall further? I feel like she's gone beyond rock-bottom as far as shock value to someone with our upbringing. But she's the only sister I have in the world, it feels wrong to let this happen.
Any perspective you all could give would be very much appreciated
submitted by Dancing_Rain28 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2019.08.19 17:07 HipMicrobe39293 The story of Streetlamp Le Moose

It works for both a GIRL and a BOY. That's double the goodness of your ordinary name!
Imagine this, your son - Streetlamp Le Moose - classy motherfucker. He turns 5, starts going to Preschool - the fisrt day, his teacher is doing roll call and gets to his name. She looks up, creases her brow and reads again, sure that she made a mistake. 'Streetlamp?' She says. Her brow still furrowed, looking around at the collection of eager kids cross-legged at her feet.
Enter, Mr Streetlamp, is he wearing a Sesame Street shirt? No. He's wearing a shirt, tie too - he looks at the teacher and says 'Yes Miss?' - classy. The whole class is looking at him now, admiring his fashion sense, his awesome name, his doubley good name. The rest of them - their name is only good for a girl or a boy, but for both - this kid surely must be a God.
'Oh my, Mr Streetlamp,' the teacher will say, 'you sure have a unique name.'
'I'm a unique guy,' he'll reply. Turning to the cutie decked out in her floral dress next to him and shooting her a wink.
Fade to black.
Third grade, Streetlamp starts making ripples through his Primary School. People have a problem? Streetlamp will sort them. Lost a ball? Streetlamp has got your back. Skip rope gone missing? Streetlamp got you.
He's earning the admiration and respect of those in the years above him, and soon enough, he's becoming this local legend - Streetlamp, the man that gets things done. His unique, amazing name has pushed him to be a unique, amazing gentleman - kind hearted - check, brave - check, athletic - check, intelligent - you betcha.
His reputation precedes him, the kids graduating that year are going to go to their middle schools, and the legend of Streetlamp Le Moose will spread further. The kid that's unstoppable. The classy motherfucker that does what's right, and does it well.
Seventh Grade - Time to start middle school. Hormones start to kick in. By now, there are some overdeveloped dickish guys teasing him. You know what Streetlamp does? He doesn't fight back, he doesn't wage warfare against them, he just grins. Every night he runs, every night he works out - his muscles are starting to develop - his facial structure, impeccable. He's beautiful.
The bullies aren't caring though - they're just continuously ripping into him, day after day. So what do you do when you're pushed, repeatedly, Snap? Not Streetlamp. Streetlamp waits until they're seperated from one another, approaching and befriending each one on their own. Gets to know them, finds out that the bigger one - George, he's secretly in love with this girl, and been trying to rip on Streetlamp because he's a baller and the girls love him, trying to prove that he's more attractive by bullying him.
So Streetlamp, the good guy that he is, goes and approaches the girl, starts talking George up, telling her what a great guy he is really. Soon enough, they're going on a date - the kind of cheesy date that 7th graders go on, that trip to the movies where they gingerly hold hands half way into the movie and she blushes and his breath increases in pace, nerves racing, heart pumping with such ferocity.
Fastforward, Streetlamp the Freshman (Fresh Man) - His rep has spread through the HighSchool already. You remember that cute girl in the floral from Preschool? Yeah, she goes to the same one. She's developed pretty well - looking beautiful. First day of class, the teacher's doing roll call, she looks at the list, furrows her brow - looking up. She lowers her head, reading again. 'Streetlamp... Le Moose?' she says.
He looks up from the discussion he's having with one of the buddies that he'd made through George - talking about cologne or something like that - 'Yes Miss,' he says. He looks around, catching the eye of floral girl - winking at her once again.
She giggles - blushing.
They start dating a few weeks later, her names Abigail, it's a good relationship - he treats her well, not needy - not clingy, but just enough attention for her to feel loved, for her to spread the rumour that he's an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing guy.
Junior Year, Streetlamp and Abigail have broken up - it was mutual. It wasn't because there were problems in the relationship, Floral girl just started thinking that they should see other people, she didn't feel like she was good enough for him. He always treated her so well, and she'd never dated a guy before. It was feeling too serious, and she didn't want to get serious so soon.
Streetlamp? He didn't mind, he made sure they remained friends - they still eat lunch together most days, take the same classes and talk a lot. He started playing football, Quarterback - Coach is saying that his AP Calc and Physics classes are really helping him with his arch, and his AP classes in Ancient history have made him a master strategist.
Nobody quite knows how he does it - 8 AP classes in Junior year while being the Quarterback of the #7 ranked team in the country. He practices incessantly, studies even more. It should take it's toll on his health, but it doesn't, he stays on top of it all.
By now, the whole school knows who he is, and there's a non stop stream of Sophmores and Juniors approaching him in the hallway asking if he wants to come to this or that party. He's the sweetheart of the school, and the sort of boy that every girl in the school fantasises about. George? Linebacker on the team, best buddies by now - him and the girl dated for a while but it's well and truly over now.
Enter Friday night; House party in the suburbs. Streetlamp rocks up with buddies late, 10 or 11 at night. Everyone is well and truly drunk. A huge cheer erupts when they walk in - he's handed a beer as soon as he enters. He offers it to George - he doesn't drink, his mind is his best instrument, he doesn't want to damage it.
Senior's hanging by the staircase, she's wearing an olive miniskirt and one of those ripped tees. Her hard body, tightly encased. 'Hi Streetlamp,' she says.
'Well Hi There.'
'You want to come upstairs with me?'
Fade to black.
Senior year, Streetlamp and Abigail have drifted apart.
He's dating the tightbody. She's 18 months older, going to college nearby. He thought there might be some issue due to her being college, him senior year, but no such issue. He was a local hero by now - the football team was speculated to be #1 in the country this year with him as the QB - Schools all over the country were scouting him.
People latched onto her to be friends by association, she filters all the ones that aren't good people - she's good like that. He's studying pretty hard, and training too - it's a big year for him. He spends half his time at the college taking classes, the other half is at the school, a few classes being taken, but the majority spent devising new plays for the Football team.
He's turned into a natural born leader.
He goes out to one of the girlfriends college parties. While he's there, he gets introduced to this girl - Amber. Now, Amber isn't what he's used to - the girls that surround him are the typical preppy 'Forever 21' shoppig silicon clones of one another. Amber though, she was witty, dry, ironic and twisted.
They become friends, no romantic inclinations. The girlfriend gets worried. Streetlamp tells her not to, Streetlamp only has loving enough for one girl - and that's her.
Few weeks later, Amber and Streetlamp are becoming pretty tight - Amber reveals she's a lesbian. Streetlamp, being the classy motherfuckegood guy that he is doesn't care. Instead, he puts some feelers out and finds a few girls around her age that he thinks she'll like.
He sets up a few blind dates. The first one, didn't go so well - they didn't get along. The second, it seemed to go great, but Amber wasn't a fan. She's getting pretty distant with him, he asks her what's up - she reveals she actually is in love with Tightbody.
Dilemma.
Streetlamp Le Moose, being deserving of the good guy name, sets up the threesome. Amber gets to live out her desires, Tightbody gets to experience the typical lesbian phase in College, and he sits back.
The news of his sexual prowess spreads. Tightbody ends up falling for Amber, and they start dating. Streetlamp Le Moose, Angry? Nope. He's happy for them. He's proud.
Graduation. Valedictorian, #1 Football Team in the Country, Accepted a Place at Stanford doing Pre-Law. He gives his speech and talks about his life, how he's been empowered and how he's lucky to have such a loving and caring family. How his dad is his hero. He starts crying - he doesn't hide it. He keeps his chin up and lets the tears roll down his face as he tells them about all that his mother and father gave up for him, how they taught him to be the person that he is today.
A lot of people are crying along with him.
After the ceremony, the principal shakes his hand, telling him that it's the finest speech that he has ever heard.
He throws a party that night, he asks his mother and father to stay home and celebrate with him. He's still not drinking, but he lets everyone around him drink. Nobody gets too wasted out of mutual respect for him.
The doorbell rings. One of his buddies starts to get up to answer it.
'No, dude, relax! Have a good time,' Streetlamp says.
He opens the door and who's there; Floral.
His voice catches in his throat, he stammers for a second, 'H-hi,' he manages to spit out. He's never been tongue tied around a girl before. She's got long auburn hair now, it goes past her shoulders, and she's wearing a floral print dress.
'Nice dress, I haven't seen you in one like that since...' His thought trailed.
'Since Preschool, I know.'
She smiled at him.
Second year of College, Starting QB of the Stanford Cardinal.
He's got a passing rating of 176.4 over the season. His coach says that he's really become a leader in the team. A lot of the pro teams are looking at him, he's being pressured into declaring for the draft. It's a dilemma, Streetlamp loves Football, but he also loves learning.
He's sharp witted in his Law classes; topping the yeargroup. He's been asked by his professors to help TA'ing some of the first year classes. They're pretty boring; he didn't really enjoy them the first time around, but Streetlamp has never been one to turn down an opportunity.
First day as a TA - Introduction to Corporate Law. He turns up about 20 minutes early and takes a seat in the third row back. He's always wanted to pull the cliched 'Talk to student, Make comments about the Lecturer, Walk up and become lecturer' move. He sits down next to a girl - cropped brunette hair spiked up at the back, a biker jacket on.
'Well, you're a rare sight in a class like this,' he says, turning to her.
She turns to him, grinning. 'Streetlamp?'
'Abigail? I hardly recognised you.'
She laughed, 'It's been an interesting year.'
'I can tell.'
A middle aged man walked in, heading down the stairs towards the front of the stage.
'You're taking first year law?' She asked.
'Something like that.'
The man took the podium, scanning the students. 'Ah, Streetlamp, just who I wanted to see. Get on up here,' he says - the attention of the whole lecture theatre suddenly on him.
That year, him and Abigail get close again, friends - they talk most nights. It turns out their dorms aren't that far away from each other. Turns out that she'd gotten into pre-med at Harvard, but dropped out during her first semester. She'd taken to goign out every night, partying hard enough to make most college students envious.
She'd changed. She was no longer a sweet girl, but she was an amazing one. She never acted like an idiot around him, or sucked up to him, or tried to be cute - she was just who she was.
As the year progressed, the football season wore on. They were going undefeated in their division. Two other teams were undefeated too though, it was uncertain whether or not they'd go to the BCS. When they were selected, there was an uproar. Everyone just presumed it was because of Streetlamp that they'd gotten through.
That year, they win the BCS.
Third year, last year of Pre-Law.
Abigail and Streetlamp start dating. The Coach of the Cardinal's didn't like it to begin with. There was a lot of conflict - he thought that she was bad for him, that she was dangerous. The cropped spikey hair and leather she always wore - even in the dead of summer didn't help Streetlamp's case.
It was a Tuesday night that the sparks truly flew. Streetlamp was sitting in Coach's office, a combination of Mahogany and Red lush carpet (Coach had been given a raise after the BCS championship).
'It isn't acceptable Streetlamp. I can't have my star athlete going around dating somebody like that. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about your career, it's about the public perception, it's about our fans and the teams that are scouting you - that want you. Is it really worth risking all of that for -' he paused, a look of disgust on his face, 'her?'
'Quite frankly coach,' he said, staring him straight in the eyes, 'I couldn't care less. I try to always do what's right, and to always be honest, and that's what I'm going to do now. Abigail is the girl that I care about, that I love, her appearance be damned. She is the single most kind, caring, intelligent and brilliant girl that I have ever met, and if you were to ask me to give up either her or football. Well, I'd have to have a long think about that.'
'Boy, I've been where you are before. I've cared for, god damn - I've loved girls with more of me than I care to admit, but this is your future. This is the rest of your life. She isn't the type that you marry. She's the type that you fuck for a few years, spend your fortune on and then leaves you for your best buddy.' He inhaled, tearing up a little bit, 'I just don't want to see you hurt by her Streetlamp.'
'I understand Coach, but you have to understand me. I've known her for most of my life, I've trusted her with all that I am, and she hasn't betrayed me. Sure, we have rough patches, we drift apart sometimes, but we always come back. We. Always. Come. Back. Football is one thing coach, but a life without the girl that I love - that's something completely different.'
They sat in silence for a little while. Coach staring at his desk and Streetlamp, at his lap.
Streetlamp's voice croaked as he started to speak again; 'If you're asking me to choose between football and the love of my life, you know the answer.'
That season, they went undefeated again with Streetlamp starting every single game. His passing rating sat on 192.1 for the season, and the speculation surrounding his decision at the end of the year was making the news every single night.
A lot of the pro teams have been flying out their coaches to talk to him. He's not sure. He's conflicted; ambivalent.
It was late on a Friday that he decided to seek advice. He called his father; the rock of his life. The man that had always been there for him, loved and cared for him. The man that would give up everything for his son's happiness.
'Son,' his father had said, 'You've always loved Football, but you've always loved helping people too. I think that's the quality that I most admire in you. You're a special kid, the best son that a father can hope for, and one that I'm so very proud of.' Streetlamp could hear his father crying now, 'I don't know what decision you'll make, but I know you, and I know that whatever decision you come to is going to be the right one.'
Draft day 2032.
Streetlamp is paraded across the stage along with the rest of the speculated top draft picks. He wears a nice suit with a plain white shirt underneath and a crisp dark tie. Just looking at him, you can tell that behind those eyes lurks an incredible intellect.
The introductory proceedings stretch on for half an hour, but finally, they're backstage again. Streetlamp sighs, his nerves holding his chest in a vice.
'It's going to be fine honey.' She says, hugging him tight to her chest.
'I know. It's just. Wow.'
'Who would've thought, hey?'
'Who would've thought.'
'I always knew, I read a story about you once,' said his Father, joking to relieve the tension. 'Best god damn story ever written.'
Streetlamp laughed. 'That's ridiculous.'
'Loosened you up though, didn't it?'
'Sure did.'
There was a short silence. Streetlamp rubbed his eyes.
'Did you get much sleep last night?' His mother asked.
'Not enough.' Streetlamp said, 'the nerves, y'no.'
'First pick, I'm telling you son. LA Jaguars - your new home.'
The introductions are done - the elderly Peyton Manning stands in front of thousands of fans - millions watching live at home.
'The first pick of the 2032 draft goes to the LA Jaguars.'
A tense minute passes. Streetlamp watches the action on a small tv in the backstage area - a camera up in his face.
Another minute passes. He starts to panic. Abigail clutches his hand. Staring at her, he can't help but smile. Over the last year, she'd traded her cropped hair for a longer style, and her leather in for sweaters and blouses. She never did say why, but he suspected that word got back to her about his confrontation with the coach. He'd asked, but she just denied.
'... and with the first pick of the 2032 NFL draft, the LA Jaguars pick... Streetlamp Le Moose!'
His jaw drops, exhaling deeply, his eyes wide open. His mother and father are jumping up and down screaming, Abigail is clutching on to him tighter than ever. 'You did it,' she says, 'you did it.'
The day after, the contract had been drawn up, including the special circumstances. The news story broke that night 'Streetlamp Le Moose - Signed for $47 million over 7 years. Reported to also be attending Law School as well.'
He's taking the degree externally.
He'd told his father the day before the signing. He'd been accepted to Yale.
2036
He hesitated briefly, enough time for a grin to stretch ear to ear.
'I do.'
'You may now kiss the bride.'
With that, he removed the veil from over Abigails face. She smiled back at him. Her hair was well past her shoulders now, and stuck a little to the veil. He wiped it off, tucking it behind her ear.
'I love you, you know.'
She smiled 'I know.'
In that moment, during that kiss, he felt like he'd never kissed a girl before, like this was the beginning of a lot of firsts.
He slipped the ring onto her finger, it was simple - plain. White gold with an inlay of diamonds.
She slipped his on, plain gold. It contrasted beautifully with the 2 over-designed superbowl rings on his right hand.
The same year, he stood in front the graduation class of Yale Law School.
'I don't know very many of you,' he said, 'and that's a shame. I don't doubt that you're all wonderful people, and it pains me to have not had the opportunity to meet and spend time with you all. We have all had a tough few years, struggling through Corporate Law and the intricacies of Civil Procedure, but, we made it."
'Today," he started, staring out at the crowd 'we stand not students, but Lawyers. We stand as the guardians of justice. We stand as the defenders of good. We stand as the people that can make a physical, tangible change to the world for the better.'
'I want to tell you all a story. In middle school, I fell in love with a girl. I ran into her again in my second year of pre-law. She didn't look like she used to, or act like the person she once was, but love doesn't discriminate.'
'I had to make on of the hardest decisions of my life that year. My coach asked me to choose between playing football and being with the person that I love. He asked me to choose because of how she looked, of how she was perceived, of the person that he believed that she was judging only on the superficial. I chose her.'
'That day, it struck me, there's a lot of people in this world that judge and believe based solely off the superficial. There are a lot of people that don't care to take the time to get to know somebody, to care for them and understand them. I ask everybody here today to remember this, and hold it as tightly as I do.'
'It is our job now to fight for people who can't fight anymore, it is not our job to judge them for how they got there. It is our job to create permanent, lasting change - not to make our world appear better, to make it actually better.'
'I would like to leave you today with a quote; “The real judges of your character aren't your neighbors, your relatives, or even the people you play bridge with. The folks who really know you are waiters, waitresses, and clerks."'
'Thankyou.'
2041
His office overlooked the field. Deep, white lines punctuated the lush grass. 'Ever going to upgrade to astroturf Sir?' Streetlamp asked.
The franchise owner laughed. It was a deep laugh, jolly even - he was the type of man that could make a child believe there was Santa for a few more years. 'I can't stand the stuff,' he said, 'if it's not real, it can't be good.'
'Ah, I'm a bit the same, I've been almost too careful since Chair came along.'
'Chair? Your son right?'
'Yes sir. Chair De'Burlap.'
'Interesting name. Strong name.' He said, his brow creased, nodding. 'You think he's going to become a legendary quarterback like his father?'
Streetlamp laughed, 'I'm not a legend yet sir.'
The owner, suddenly taking a stern tone, 'Son, you will be after you sign this. You do understand what this makes you, right?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league?'
'The highest paid quarterback in the league.' He shook his head. 'What're you going to do with all that money?'
'Good Sir, I'm going to do good.'
'I'm sure you will son.'
That night, Streetlamp picked up his phone. He went to speeddial and pressed 1. His fathers voice met him on the other end of the line.
'Hey dad,' he said.
'Streetlamp! How're you going? How's Chair?'
'We're good dad. I signed the new contract today.'
'I saw - it's all over the news. $180 million, it's a lot of money.'
'That it is.'
'Any plans for what you're going to do with it?'
'I'm opening my own charity. I've been doing a bit of pro-bono work with sexually assaulted women,' he paused, 'these women dad. They're broken. They're violated and they're broken. It's like somebody has reached inside and stolen all that is theirs. Removed any safety in their life.'
He paused.
His father remained silent on the other end of the line. He knew by now when Streetlamp just needed to compose his thoughts.
'I can't make it all better for them dad, but I can try to help them.'
'That's very noble.'
'It's just the right thing to do.'
'You always do the right thing.'
Streetlamp heard the doorknob jiggle, and watched as Abigail got home.
'Hey babe, good day?' She'd shed the baby weight amazingly quick.
'It was great, I'm just on the phone with Dad.'
'Tell him I say hi.'
'Will do.'
'Was that Abi?' Streetlamp's Dad asked.
'Sure was. She says hi.'
'I'll let you go then. Tell her I say hi back.'
'Okay, Bye Dad. I love you.'
'Love you too son.'
Streetlamp leaned back in the chair. His head throbbing.
'I saw the news,' said Abigail.
'It's hard not to now-a-days.'
'$180 million is a lot of money.'
'I know.'
'How much are you pledging to the charity.'
'I wanted to talk to you about that. I was thinking...' his sentence trailed off.
'Yes?'
'I was thinking I'd pledge $170 million. If you're okay with that.'
'I'm more than okay. I'm proud of you.'
2046:
'Breaking news: Jaguars' star quarterback Streetlamp Le Moose has called a press conference.'
Abigail stood opposite him, adjusting his tie. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'I've never been more sure.'
'But, you love football.'
'I love my family more. Last week was too close for comfort, I can't lose you. I can't leave you to look after Chair and Annie alone.'
'You're a good father.'
'You're the best mother.'
She smiled at him, and pecked him on the lips.
A thin blonde woman pokes her head out from the corridor, 'Mr Streetlamp, Sir. Are you ready?'
'Yes, I am Jessie.'
He reached into his pocket, making sure that his palm cards were there. Adjusted his suit jacket, inhaled and exhaled exactly once and walked out, making his way on stage.
'And here he is, moving surprisingly well considering last weeks accident,' said one news reporter.
'He's spent the last week flanked by reports that he's injured and unable to play for the rest of the season, looking at him now, I feel confident in speculating that those reports are false.' Another said.
Taking the lecturn, Streetlamp sighed, pulling out his palm cards and scanning the first one before he began speaking.
'Ladies and Gentleman, Reporters, Sportsfans, the American Public, today, I stand in front of you with two things to tell you. It is with great sadness that I must announce my retirement from the NFL.'
A wave of frenzied whispers crashed over the crowd.
'Last week, as you all know, I was on the recieving end of a high tackle, and as I'm sure you all know, it rendered me unconscious. Funnily enough, it was being knocked unconcious that woke me up to the fact that I'm no longer a young man. I'm not in the same athletic shape as I once was.'
'I'm not going to lie to you, it was scary for me. I have an amazing son, Chair De'Burlap, who's starting preschool this year, and the most beautiful daughter any man could hope for. I could not bear to lose either one of them, or have them grow up without a father.'
'My father was the lynchpin of my childhood, really, he's still the lynchpin of my life now. He is the most caring, passionate, loving person in my life, mark my mother, and I don't think I'd be one tenth of the person I am today if it wasn't for him.'
'I've been blessed with an amazing career, and a team full of the best people I could ever hope to meet, and I apologise to them for putting them in this position. I'm sorry, but my family will always come first. Marcus Delroy is a brilliant quarterback, and I'm sure the team will be more than safe with him.'
'I've achieved a lot of things over the last few years. I've opened my own charity, I've defended the rights of women who couldn't afford defending, I've raised money for cancer awareness and for lower-income neighbourhoods. I've always had the desire to make the world a better place, and I've always aspired to live up to this desire. It is with this in mind that I make my second announcement.'
He looked down at his cards, breathing in and out deeply, 'In the next election, I will be running as Governor of California. Thankyou.' He walked off stage.
2056: 'Ladies and gentleman,' Streetlamp said, his voice poised, his back straight, 'I would like to thank you all for your ongoing support over the last two years. I would like to thank you all for your faith in me, and for the faith in my party.'
'Today,' he paused, 'today is the beginning of a new day. The start of a new people. We have experienced economic hardship, political insecurity, civil unrest and abuse of powers in this century, and I am proud to say that I will the be the one to bring an end to this.'
An eruption of applause encapsulated the room.
'The United States was once a great country. It was once a nation that stood for the very fundamental rights of Freedom, Liberty and Justice. It pains me, as an American, that our fine country was sullied by the irresponsible and reckless actions of a minority put in a position of power, and I'm sure it pains you too.'
'I ran in this election to give a voice to the people that have never had a voice. To restore the country to a place that judged not on what is presented superficially, but on the quality of their ideas, the strength of their convictions, and on the greatness of their character.'
'Citizens of the United States, Citizens of the World, today, we have made the first step towards a tangible change for the better. We have made the first step to the enablement of our people. We have made the first step towards restoring our country to the greatness that it once was.'
'I am thankful, and I am grateful to all who voted for me. I look forward to creating a better country, and creating a better world.'
With that, Streetlamp existed the stage. Abigail waited in the wings for him, embracing him she whispered seductively 'Hello Mr. President.'
He smiled at her, chuckling, 'Hello, First Lady,'
This is what happens if you call your son Streetlamp Le Moose. Are you really going to deprive him of that?
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